Rah Times

I went searching for love. When I thought I had it I was extremely excited, But became gravely disappointed. It turned into all I was afraid of. It appeared to be incapable of. Returning or showing any affection for me. It did not seem to exist among the men, I wanted to love me or was attracted to. It was my own affection Deflecting on those horrible beings, That first caused joy to arise with me. Then from awareness I became guarded. Even the precise one I was in search of. Believed was apart of me was not. How could I have been so wrong? Why did I not listen except I felt, They appeared to have welcomed me, As though, they were also interested, Not only in me but also my wellbeing. Then in sickness, the truth became evident. Sadly, I found that none of it was true. It devastated me, and crushed my spirit. I had allowed those demons to deceive me. Wondered why things had to go that far, Before I learned I believed untruth. Never again will I trust those devi...

She is delightfully romantic! And he, dashingly charismatic! The pair that fits like a hand in a glove. The lovely lady is adorned With her most precious possession. The silkiest of skin that is not in need of anything, Merely the arms of her beloved; Draped by her most ardent desire. The soft flow of the soothing melody of satisfaction. The delight that glows so freely from her face. For at last, she is in a serene place where she can rest.

Dare they speak,criticize! Who or what gave them voice? Their interest, disbelief, Or the talk of the day. Should I insist! Have I not said what was required? Contributed all that was necessary! Why force love on them? Give away a precious gem! They fail to see worth. Surely, they deserved Such love and knowledge. I shared, and they complained.

By the end, of the day, I still love. My concern rests, as if pushed aside. My spirit still burns with longings, For resolution, my heart desire, Is still blazing within my chest, For the things, I am zealous about, Desire to move beyond, complete, Capture and never let go of, Is all remarkably a live as I breathe. My disappointments and my pride At times stifles me but if I could Get pass the things that bind me, One would know the truth, and see my love.

Every marriage has it ups and downs, highs and lows. Oddly enough because I had taken on a monstrous of a task, the things that damage mine had quite a bit to do with that. Whatever caused my heart to become broken were the things that impacted my children’s future. It was enough that I had to battle society to do the right thing. It was horrendous that I had moments where I was engaged in battle with my spouse for the exact reason. I can recall an instant when a star war movie was premièring in May 1999. It was on the same day as my daughter's preschool graduation. As I sought my husband’s support to attend the graduation, he defiantly told me, our daughter would have many more significant miles stones. At those moments, he would be there, but that graduating from preschool was not one of them. He added that it was not every day, however, that a Star War movie opens, so that was what he chose to attend. Even at that early age that particular child had struggles. I did not view t...

I wrote to you today, then discarded it. I mentioned a few new things. Perhaps I did not repeat anything. I talked about the things I had seen. Gave details of a particular scene. One in which you were fighting with me. I expressed my thoughts to you. My wonderings of what we fought about. I did say I did not want to write to you again. Thought about the future, my passion and propensity. My wanting to be loved, my conclusion, and confusion. Remembered the girl, I once was. What she would have done. Momentarily she would have looked then calmly walked away. I liked that kind of attitude, I wish I was still like that.

I was invited, but I will not attend the party. I had become too focus on my struggles. Sacrificing and pushing aside desire, Had become all too familiar and difficult. When one was in his own element He is inclined to inflict me for the purpose, Of painting him as being superior or better. Simply to lather in his own glory. I cringe at the thought, had endured too much of that. Considered the importance of honoring another. But no one knows of the things I endure. It is none other than for those things, I refrain.

Why anyone would want to marry me, Save my own husband, but not even he, For he choose to be with another woman. She bears his title and is seen as wife to him As his bride and I am his queen. That has caused me to feel forsaken. Identify with every uncared for forgotten child. This may sound confusing and crazy Because this, he has denied but has precisely Claimed that I imagined it, and it is my imagination. No concern given as to the impact his word bore, But goes on living, as though, he did not inflict me. All this after he delivered his venomous message Then after I've had some success will come as if, he has always loved. And this was all apart of God's plan to judge men. Them, he’ll save, while me, he already caused to live in hell. I can’t imagine, why I would allow him to humiliate me until the end. Then again, that is all he ever did. Love and care was all I ever wanted. By my experience of him, and them, that, they are all incapable of.

So few saw, and they that did, Did not know what they’d seen. So best explain it, by ridiculing her. For never before was another like her. To attain, climb the social ladder It was best not to choose, but reject her. For as it appears she did not fit right in, Rightly so, for she was not as common. Never before had it been seen Royalty working, toiling, unlike a queen. Observing, learning of how they are Then concluding how undeserving they are. The admirer who only thinks of himself. The user that utilizes others to satisfy self. Never caring about the pain or harm he’s inflicting. Only contributing to others, for personal gain.

In a little while, I will smile again. In a little while, I will hug my friend. All my sadness would then be erased. In a little while. In a little while happiness will be mine. Gone would be all that defied me. For in a little while, I will be, The woman, the lover, I was born to me. My inner beauty will shine again. Gone would be all that stalled me. For in a little while I will be Given my greatest opportunity. In a little while, I will be known. Blessed by my hard work! Drive to make it on my own. For in a little while, you will surely see. I became the woman I was meant to be.

Where is the love I wanted? When I needed it, it simply dissipated. Where is the love or was it love at all? Where is the love for it was not kind at all? That love only brought me sorrow. Gave me false hope of tomorrow. Was never truly kind to me. Was never there when I needed it. It was not what I anticipated So with time, that desire faded. I should have simply waited. For it that love, was over-rated. That love was never there at all. While I needed it, it was gone. For it might not have been love at all. That love was not honest with me at all.

I saw what others did not. Then was confused as To why they seem sightless. Was it, me or them? Was it their eyes, my mind? That was open or closed? Why are their's or mine different? Was it vision, or imagination lacking? Or was it that I overreacted? Whatever it is, it’s confusing. For me and them and that We surly have in common.

It fell ever so lightly. I could not pick it up. Neither could I let it go. With that, I observed. Anticipated the next phenomenon. Whatever was to happen. I pursued life at a pace By which I felt safe. I wanted it known. Simultaneously, I wanted animosity. For no one to be able to discern How involved or not I was. Yet, I had this longing to be a contributor. For it to be known that it was truly me, That loved, let go, assisted, made the difference In our world where all these things seem necessary.

All I wanted was for you to understand. Even though, our time will be short. That I loved you more than anyone. Why I am saddened, even now. Even now, I should have told you. Even now, I wish that I can hold you. Wish I did not blame you. But had simply loved you, even now. A million words could never express. The happiness then void this will bring. Even, as I am saying these things, Time is still being wasted, even now. What can I say to make you listen? I told you where all this is written. Wish that I was there to tell you. That you truly understood, even now.

If your thoughts are of me. Then I will assume You are talking to me, Because that is the way We communicate with each other. If you think of me, Then I will answer. For if you think of me. I assume you want an answer. Yet in this life, it does not feel right. As though it is me and not you. Not your thoughts that holds me spell bound. And that, I am engaged alone in conversation.

There will always be a reason Not to undertake another concern. Walk away and not interfere. Turn a blind eye, not get involved. Not do anything and yet still. Believe in one's mind that nobleness Is rooted in the make up of one self. But it is not one’s idea of person. That speaks of one true nature. But one’s intention and specific action, When called to react and be humane.

I needed to be here, right where I am. To experience the kind of love. I did not have with anyone. I needed to be here, you were my intention. To know you much better than anyone. To reassure you, I am the right person. I needed to be here, to get to know you. To show and express this all to you, Because you are my number one. My love, my darling, you are my plans. Chorus. Please tell me, tell me. You’ll take my hands. That you’ll stand by and love me. As if it was the only one your plans. Tell me; tell me, for I am listening. Tell me; tell me, I'll soon be your number one.

He loves me, he loves me not. I do not need rose petals To prove his love or lack. I got his written intentions. It says to me, that he does not. A million lying lips in songs of him. Preachers claims, it is all the same. My heartaches and my eyes are red. Yet, I keep his action, the things he did a secret. Locked in the fortress that is within me. It does not matter what is being said. I am stuck, and as frail as thread. At any moment, I feel as if I will snap. But hardly would that deliver me. Instead it would punish my off spring. The ones which depends on me, To protect and provide for them A loving stable environment, but look! It is as if history is being repeated.

Who wants to survive, While others live abundantly? Who wants to be special, And weird at the same time? I wanted my life to be normal, Not peculiar, rare or different. To be able to stand out for accomplishments, Not known for my challenges or for being dissimilar. I want for it to be said that I was normal too. I was loved by God, in the same manner as you. Or any other Hebrew person, and recognized Without having to state what I was to anyone. Yet my utmost desire was to have life’s basics: Such as, being loved, having a stable home. Love ones, I could have depended on. Yet in my despair most difficult moments I was left alone to face cancer surgery. There is not any explanation you can now Give to me, and I would be a fool to accept one.

I understand the how and the why. Not initially, but now I do. He simply was not ever considering Anyone other than himself. The profoundness of his betrayal Was extremely hurtful and confusing. His continued lies and desertion. I question myself, knowing I'm imperfect. How then could I later forgive this man? I see where it is specifically stated That, not until a certain date, Would he have compassion on me. I know that even now, I needed assistance, Support and love, but was left without. I know the reason for that as it states. In order that I might not turn away. But for those precise reasons, I have no cause ever look his way again. At the beginning, and the ending of each day. I remain aware, that I was not given, But was left alone to fend for myself. Why should I continue to care about any of this? When all he has displayed is contempt for me? There has to be some kind of defect within me. Did he destroy me, place all before me, In order to he...

If a person is not going to be gracious and kind to his or her spouse from the start then, the worse person he could choose to wed is an angel. With no true distinction between yesterday, today and tomorrow, it is extremely difficult to separate the hurts of yesteryear from my feelings of today. Saying a person is forgiven is not saying that the memory or the pain inflicted is gone. What that means is that I will not hold them accountable for that wrong. I also know the degree of difficulty to do that in the presence of that same error. I know because I have been living it and not exactly graciously. At times, I feel that the pain of being deserted by my partner has caused me to resent all those that were given such a magnificent gift, and in their folly has rejected it. Yes, it all feels like rejection to me. My marriage has become a chore and is no longer a partnership the way it was meant to be. I remain, and I do for my children’s sake, but I hurt and I sorrow in my heart. ...