Rah Times

My heart’s desire would be to freely express myself. It would not be suitable, however, if I did that. Likewise, it would not be wise for me to question everyone’s actions or motives. Why is it that I hold back sometimes? After all, do I not live in a country where one of the amendments rights is Freedom of Speech? Well, I do because the explanations I may be given might cause me more harm than satisfy my curiosity. There are times I do not ask because my question may be viewed as surprising. Other times, it could be inappropriate, or I was not in a place where that seem possible. I know that a person’s action is not always meant to harm another person. Nonetheless, it can, and in those instances, I want to inquire as to why one would want to behave that way? Whatever the reason, I wonder if it ever occurred to the offender that their behavior caused damage to another. I have had to face moments like this with my own children, spouse and parents. I have heard answers ranging from, “I...

 It is my position that it is a wife's responsibility to support her husband. I very rarely say much about mine and I deliberately choose to do that. When we were first married I respected him. Then because of a series of incidents I began not to. At the moment, I refrained from writing details about my marriage because I never wanted to ever dishonor him. I often contemplate that proverb that says a wise woman builds her home but a foolish one tears it apart. So in the past I chose to only speak of his positive aspects. I know I can sometimes be overly sensitive and I know that we both are a product of our up-bringing. I was raised in a super conservative home. There were some things we would not publicly do and to date I am very aware of those things. My husband and I attended a fundraiser yesterday. There were several buffet stations and as we got up to go get our food we went to different stations. I took a quick peek at the food that was laid out. It was a brunch and ther...

Everyday I awake, another challenge or issue presents itself. Today I learned of yet another dilemma after I accompanied my son to the County Commissioner’s court. He went there in order to finish his communication badge; as a part of this Eagle Scout requirement he needed to document the proceedings, agenda and outcome of the proposed discussion. Interestingly enough, I was not the only citizen from my neighborhood in attendance. Others were there to voice their opinion on Article 19 section A. This was a proposed study for a toll bridge that would link our neighborhood to down town. Apparently my neighbors fear that this would cause pollution and change the feel and look of their property, and bring crime to our area. The commissioner that was representing our city council stated in the proceeding that this would ease up congestion on the main road that most people currently use. Another council member claimed that it would have the opposite effect on pollution and the air quali...

After I migrated to the United States in my late teen years, the holiday season became very difficult for me. It was not until I had children fourteen years later that the holidays became easier. One of the joys of having seven children is that their excitement and nonchalant attitude can sometimes be contagious. They find pleasure at times with the most insignificant things. As toddlers they would gravitate more towards the pots and pans than their own toys. As teens and school-aged children they all want the most expensive gadgets but tend to use one and disregard the others. In my family that is truer of the boys than the girls. My children seem to get more enjoyment out of opening their many gifts on Christmas morning than actually playing with them the rest of the year. I later realized, though, that when some children have a large selection of toys this can confuse them. The end result is that it makes it very difficult for them to be able to make a choice. I know this may not ...

My life is more and more like a juggling act at this time than it has ever been in previous years. The difference now is that I am struggling to be all things to my children and to keep every aspect of my life afloat. In the midst of a crisis I tend to put all my energies into taking care of the chore at hand and tend to drop the ball on the none crisis issues. It was not an easy task meeting the needs of seven children. It was considerably much more challenging because I had special needs children as part of the mix. If the goal was simply to care for the children without providing them a resolution to their difficulties, then yes this would not have been as trying for me as it has been. What made it doubly difficult was when the children were younger my husband was not available to give me a hand as would have been ideal. I had a very faithful husband who was a good provider. On occasion he would take the children to their various after school programs but I was the main careta...

Life constantly changes from day to day and there is no day that is like the day before. It is a lot easier to do nothing and to give up and be over come by defeat but what joy is there in that? I have had to face numerous challenges as a result of the choices I made in life. They were courageous, foolish noble choices and yes my reward has been bitter sweet. Below is an article I wrote several years ago concerning one of the many hurdles I encountered while caring for my children.  In the middle of those challenges, I never fore saw  the possibility that we would have overcome some of those struggles. The idea that the time would come where this child would be applying for an athletic scholarship at that point was inconceivable to me . At the end of this blog there is a link to a video. The purpose of the video is to demonstrate her performance to the schools she is interested in attending. For us to have gotten to this moment it w...

Freedom and justice is for all those who were born free. Free from alcohol and crack or what ever the addicted poison of the day was at the time their brain was being developed. If you were ever a victim of this kind of imprisonment and the authorities stepped in and rescued you, freedom will temporarily be yours especially if you get adopted into a middle-class home. You will then be free from hunger, homelessness and you may momentarily feel safe and the fear of being left alone as a child you may never know. I can attest that this is a fact because this is my daughter's story, but not only hers, it is mine also. In my heart I believe people become addicted to drugs and alcohol as a result of untreated mental illness. In some cases it is as a result of early childhood trauma. Drugs and alcohol are sometimes used to numb emotional pain. Sometimes individuals become so engrossed in their own pain they become oblivious to the fact that they too are now inflicting pain. This i...

When I am down or deeply troubled, I am filled with thoughts and ideas. It was been a long time since I last wrote and bear myself for the world. I have been writing but for my eyes only. I was so overwhelmed by hurt and disappointment that I stopped. In my heart I even carried feelings of shame which resulted in my harbouring a whole set of other emotions. Yet it was my suspicions that lead me to start this series of writings. When my worse fears were confirmed, I could not skillfully deal with it. Yet of all people I should know life is not perfect and that it can sometimes be more difficult for some than it is for others. I also know how difficult it is to stay positive when your hopes and dreams seem unattainable. At this time I am strictly writing  about my disappointments in the realm of parenting. Although I have also had my share of disappointments in regard to personal and romantic aspiration and in accomplishing my professional goals. Even the thi...

I have not written anything lately not because there is nothing to write about because there is a whole lot going on. The one thing I know from having lived this life is that as difficult as things may sometimes appear  that joy comes with the morning. By this I mean that my current troubles are only for a season. I know this may not be true in all of our life and it certainly does not seem true in mine either. For the most part it seem as one challenge ends a new one begins. I just know in my heart that I need to look up. There is no night that does not have a morning. Right about now I wish I had taken the easy path in life. The path where my life would have been less complicated. I invested a 110% of myself in my children. Just yesterday someone told me that God does not want for any of us to have idols. She said this because she felt that I put my children first and above all including myself. I put them out there and talk about how well they are doing. I generally do not rev...

As a child I was a very obedient and respectful therefore things that burden me as a parent were not a concern for my parents. They however would not accept anything less especially my father. I was very shy, quiet and indifferent to people and things that did not interest me. Even when provoked it was not always easy getting a reaction out of me. At my wedding that was one of my virtues my sister bragged about. She said, “My sister usually says what she has to say and when she is finished she is done. She then puts whatever it is behind her and moves on.” She was telling the truth. Well on the surface at least I did not appear to hold any grudges. I say so because today I am far removed from that person especially with my family. I really do expect more from my offspring, than I do others. The dilemma is I find myself harping on the same issues over and over to the point where I find it distressing. Not being able to move away from the same difficulties is tiresome. Today’s yout...

Some convictions I have are based on my beliefs, and others are based on my fears. While some of my fears are unfounded others can be attributed to my values and passions. I know that there are many who does not ascribe to the things I hold to. What I say and do may be seen as ridiculous to some, on the other hand, there are those who embrace my principles and choices. I wanted to, and I still sometimes try to make a difference in other people's life. With that while in the work force, I chose to work where I thought I would most fullfill my desires. When choosing my mate I also gave thought as to whether the person would support me with this. As a young woman, I had an unusually idealistic view of the world. I know there were broken hurting people. I did not realize that people disliked and intentionally hurt others for no other reason other than selfishness. At times, their actions were driven by suspicion or because of their viewpoint or the things they were taught. Oddly enou...

It could be that my age has caught up with me because today I found myself struggling with fatigue. I cannot attribute it to my family because they are away at summer camp. I have been taking an exercise class every morning at 8am. I took a similar class about ten years ago and I was definitely not as tired as I am. During the school year, we spend an enormous amount of time picking up and dropping our children off. This was not an issue when they were younger. I would enroll them all in the same activity. Despite all being exposed to  the same extra-curricular activity for most of their life, they developed different interests. I am thankful they did not end up having a group mentality, but developed into individuals. I imagine it would be a lot easier to master mothering one type of personality. Instead I get to experience what it is to mother a child that is interested in sports, music, social things and the academically minded child. This also means that someti...

I spent countless hours sitting on the side lines watching and waiting. There were times when I took advantage of being at a track and walked. Other times, I would read or simply enjoyed being in the company of other adults. The difference between mothering and any job is that mothering is a 24/7 job. Most sports that my children were involved in required some kind of parental participation. Whether or not I was actively involved I preferred to stay and watch to see how my children were doing. This way I also learned a thing or two about the sport. On days they were not practicing or competing, I helped them practice. When they were involved in track I would take them to the track and ran with them. This was mostly during their elementary school years. Now that they are teenagers, I do not even attempt to compete with them. Oddly enough one of my teenaged daughters asked me why I stopped running with them. The question caught me by surprise. This girl holds the shock put record...

A thing of beauty, a valuable person, what can I say to such a one without devaluing myself? How must I react, behave when I am in her presence? Is that not what you would say to yourself if you recognized that you were in the presence of one who society highly esteems? The real question is, would you know how to recognize such a person? It probably would not be difficult at all. How about a person who God esteems? Would it be outward appearance that would shed light on that person’s value? Once as my family and I walked the cat-walk in Glenwood New Mexico, I spotted a shiny object in the river. As I bent down to pick it up, my ten year old said to me," Gold does not look like gold." If even a ten year old boy knows this, why is it that as adults we forget? I say we forget because the same analogy can be attributed to humans. If we are not constantly in the news, our worth is not obvious to the human eyes. Gold in its natural state does not shine. If all we saw each other ...

The idea of parenting is to guide children not to repress them to where they become discouraged. This is what I meant when I said in my previous writing that a wise person builds her home and a foolish person tears it apart. The idea is to instruct children so that they can make good decisions in life. Everyone makes mistakes but in doing so it should be a learning process. I would want for my mistakes to be teaching tool. For others to not make the same mistakes I made and for me to not keep repeating the same mistakes. I am thankful that I do have the option to evaluate what I am doing and what I need to be working on. Actually that is what these writing have been about for me. I am working through and giving thought to my actions and responses. I am also evaluating them and considering if I am getting my desired out come. My children do not have the maturity to do this for themselves but this is something I would want for them to learn. I also do want to discourage negative behavior...

I had an epiphany this morning. It occurred to me that where my children's heart is that is what they are interested in. I often got frustrated when I felt that I was not getting through to them. They would all seem to grasp some of what I would try to convey but not the entire picture. I started examining the things I stressed as a parent and what I was like as a youth. Especially so now that two out of four has placed forming relationship as their main focus. I tried to teach my girls that relationships were more important than possessions. As their mother I believed that I valued people and relationships more than acquiring material goods. It was because of this belief that I abandoned my career to care for my family. Once I had a family the career became secondary to them. Given all this, I still have a few treasured effects. I get quite upset when they take or damage my personal belongings. My children have never expressed that they feel that I value my things more than them. ...

The challenge of this time is feeling triumphant in the face of adversity. This is currently a struggle for me because I have five teenage children. As a nurse or even while taking care of other people's laundry, life seemed a lot less complicated. A smile from a familiar face or having that feeling of accomplishment after caring for another person's medical need, was a lot different. Whatever it was the challenges that came from those things were easier. I have often said that I am a caretaker by nature and whether it was nursing or mothering it is all the same. My children though, have caused me to question my competency as one. I am beginning to see a big difference in caring for patients and patrons than caring for my own. A young man once told me thank you after caring for him in the emergency room. He thanked me because he realized that I went above and beyond my duty and was being nice to him. I had observed that his mother was over protective of him. He looked a littl...