Rah Times

I long for some Z’s. Knowing the impossibility Of that happening will not be EZ. It is remarkable that money cannot pay For life most essentials such as love, Rest, calm and simply being satisfied.

When life gets too busy, I always feel as though I will not get through it. Well that is how my last few days have been. I am exhausted, but I have family visiting and I am also trying to get my children ready for summer camp. I hope in the midst of it all that I will eventually get a few hours to unwind. If not I will end up being frustrated. If I, however, stop to consider, things may feel a lot more complicated than if I simply just do it. Momentarily today, I wondered how I kept up with meeting the needs of my seven children. Currently my twelve years old son appears to have a growth spurt every two weeks. I am now finding keeping up with him alone quite challenging, I have no idea, how I kept up in the past.

Why did you bring me here? Was it to show you’re disdain for me? Demonstrate how superior you are to me. When I cried, you turned away from me. Instead of love, inflicted me with misery. As if I were the disgrace of heaven. You cast me down to earth, gave me to The reprobate. You cursed at me. Declare your contempt towards me. Wrote that I was delusional and crazy. It was not men that did all this. It was you who personally hated me. This is what your actions taught me. Did I sincerely need to be here For you to show me, what heaven could not say? Why condemn them for what you did? Is it men that I am here to judge, or is it you? For by what I experienced here neither you, Or them has ever honestly loved or cared for me.

Wish my life was perfect. I would have spent my days Given myself to you. Wish I was in love with None other than you. I know your heart is breaking, But I had to tell you. I should have taken my every moment And given them all to you. I regret that I could never hold you. For, there were days that I wanted to. Saw your tears and I knew that I had hurt you. That is why my darling, I should not have lied. But, I also loved and wanted to be with you. I could not walk away from what I chose to do. I knew that meant that I might lose you. I did not know what to do. It was my choices That made my love seems to be untrue, but girl I was so in love with you.

Run, run, run away Run away girl. Run, run, run away Hiding from the world. Run, run, run away Give it a whirl. No one will retrieve you. So do not let your mind Deceive you. Run, run, run away Run away girl. Run, Run, run away Ignoring all the things You’ve heard. Run, run, run away Run away girl Run, Run, run away. Looking for her own world. Run, run, run away Run away girl Run, run, run away. Wanting her own way. Run, run, run away Run away girl Hardship will now own you. And, although running can be fun You might become undone. So please wait and do not run.

The only place I wanted to be Was along side you. Not necessarily where you placed me. Did not quite understand the reason I was kept out of your view or why I was shut out continuously by you. You chose not to wait for me, Or to admit that I existed, Was your significant other. Wish I realized all these things. Prior to finding you. I would have chosen not to go near you. But to stay hidden from your view. Wish I could undo all this, and rewrite My future and the past where I never met Or will ever need you or get to know you. If I could change one thing, this would be it.

I thought you were the one. I wanted it to be you. As the months grew, I became frustrated. Disappointed, I chose to give up. Would it have been different, Had I spoken, then or now? Was it youth or ignorance? I had to see in order to believe. Longed to get to know you. I had all but forgotten. Extremely surprised to hear. Unsure, I felt I did not truly Know you, not that anyone Quite honestly do. Told you, I wanted to. Then I sincerely couldn’t. Wish I consciously knew That he had moved on. The reason I wished, I was not Who I actually am. Ruined my life then and will once again.

The water shimmered. As if, laughing in the sunlight. She responded by tossing in a stone. Watched as it jumped, as though, on its own. Alone she sat, far away from where she started. The landscape had changed, yet the sun rose And set every time from the same direction. As the stone sank, she picked up another, Then another, one after the other as she tossed them, They sank. Such was life, now she understood. Some things changes while others stay the same.

I could not believe it, but it seems clear. As if this were the true reason, I came here. To evaluate and decide what to do with them. I see where it is written that we will fight. As a United Kingdom, not one that is divided. But as it currently stands, I am not with anyone. Makes sense that resistant individuals were chosen. They all angered me not a solitary one is excluded. Was this so that I can be expelled or included? Is this vengeance on humanity or for the King? Yet my personal anger is not with them, but him. Except that they also provoked me unnecessarily.

Wish there were some place for me. For it is there that I would rather be. A home, a City that was built for me. There the king would not be welcomed. I’d empty all the skies, fill it with My heart desire just not any of them. There my heavenly father, would not lead. For he, was a disappointment to me. In place of the earth, just the seas. Erased would be all of humanity. Then I would be sincerely happy. For they, have robbed me of me. Their wish is for me to become weary. Forget the many ways they inflicted me. Then my reward would be simply peace. After foolishly returning to them, although They never loved or cared for me. I was not designed to a warrior be. Yet, they have awaken that in me. I now want war not their promise of peace. And not to ever return to any of these.

Angels does not exist! Disbelief although, he had seen. Exactly what crucified him, Condemned all my relationships. Because of that I could not. Was never made mine, driven away. Given to someone else, not by choice. Even though, he professed to believe He does not, not really. Made me afraid, That I will never truly be loved. Hard to let go of the dysfunctional one. Do not want that kind of love or the other To be destroyed, with that I sacrificed. But I am fully aware that I need to move on. Finally!

I was clothed the way I was So that, I would not be deceived By false love, yet I was. It would not have been sincere If I were loved based on my color. I am the same being regardless. Love would have chosen me Despite of whom I appeared to be. This was my father's way to protect me. Except it ended up hurting me. How could I now honestly show you compassion? Based on your lack of responses, I am convinced That you do not truly understand. Any one that hurt me will not be rewarded. But to be quite honest will be punished. That is what I wanted you to comprehend. Regardless, I did not want you to be destroyed. When I walked away, it was better for your sake. Why at this time, I willingly became a pest. It was for your interest that you needed to know. Sorry if I offended you, I will not do that again. It was also only fair that I knew you never cared.

After struggling with the passage of time. I became unmovable like a rock. It has been so long that now, I have become undone, and I am done. For my heart has long departed. This was a process, not an over night decision. I battled with my spirit, my emotions. I would never deliberately desert anyone. Especially those my father chose. But I was a person with human responses. These memories and experiences will never leave me. During my entire journey, I placed the welfare of others Ahead and above my own, I am not doing that anymore. If this was to wear me down, he's won, and I failed. I wanted you to win, I had nothing to lose, but you did. I had to know the truth, know that love was not shown. That earthly possession and ambitions was preferred. If I turned away it was because you chose, not I. I only did walked away because I was offended. I have tried for a long time, struggled within myself. Examined all closely before f...

I have explained myself for the last time. It is extremely difficult for me to understand some of the things I experienced. It is with greater difficulty that I struggle with the many ways you have turned your back on me. If a person had any compassion for me, I would not have had to explain myself. When I said, would you, please help me, at the very least if one cared, he would have answered. Why say, he would help me? When has he ever? When have you? I do not want to be known or have any kind of success at the expensive of my own dignity. What part of that is honorable? This is blatant rejection. You chose him. He has always rejected me. Sure he would have chosen to use me if given the opportunity, but that is all he was willing to do. I know these are my final hours, and now I have to make a choice, and have chosen based on my conclusion. I have concluded that he has rejected me again. Who and what I am, was never relevant to him, only his own self. Is there any man on the fac...

Come stay with me, play with me. Run and have fun all day with me. Come make music, sweet melody, And I’ll be yours exclusively. To see you would be exciting. The desired one, I wanted to keep. Finally, would be within my reach. And not only in my music and songs. Like a breath of fresh air. The light that brightens Makes every foggy day clear. If you stays within my reach I would be simply ecstatic. This love I wanted to keep. The dream I want to repeat. For, I long to be with you. To be yours, for always.

I do not like my lonely nights. Or fighting with my spirit So that I could do what I was taught was right. Just wanted to be alright. To be held and cuddled Not struggle just to survive. I wanted to be loved not denied. Oh love, love, I wanted to know you. To hold you and for you, me to get to know. Oh love, love where did your compassion For me go? Just wanted you to know, Because of what you have done to me, Love, I will never call you friend ever again. I wanted warmth, comfort Not circumstance or obligations But for genuine love to keep me calm. I needed love, I wanted romance. To be held in someone’s caring arms, Not loving from a second chance, But one because I was number one. Oh love, love I was deserted by you. How could I then, allow you to use me? Yet all this I wanted for you to know. Oh love, love as much as I hate to say this, I do not want to see or be with you anymore. You got to go, I cannot go through this. My heart cannot take i...

For the most part, I live in a relatively safe environment. People that are my friend, or have some sort of relationship with are individuals I can trust. Probably like most people, I am afraid of the unknown. As a person, I do not readily embrace outsiders into my life. I would say I am an overly cautious person. It takes me a while to warm up to folks. While working as an emergency room nurse and even prior to that, I met hundreds of people I had to talk to. During these periods my conversations never went beyond client or nurse- patient relationship. I did talk and communicate better with individuals, I worked with. As my children are going out and developing new relationships, I am some what apprehensive. For this reason, it is extremely pertinent to me that their friends fit into a certain mold. The challenge here is that my children are individuals and most of them are not at all like me. My older daughter, however, is also a supremely cautious person, and because of that, I do...

Please do not mess with my head. All I needed was encouragement. Not what you chose to do to me. Now I prefer to be loved by someone Other than you. For someone to have been near. I do not want to face another nightmare. I want to be with someone who truly cares. Someone that would not place me secondary. I did not expect anyone to take away ny fears But be a partner to me. Not frustrate act as if I was a no body. But your actions showed indifference. Your love has me now plagued with fear. Longing for someone else to be near. Who would believe that all I wanted Was for you to not plague me with travesty. The love you claim you had for me, I regarded as fantasy. I would prefer another who expresses love differently. That I may rest in his arms and feel loved and cared for.

What can I do, what can I do? I’ve been sitting thinking Mostly of you, so tell me. What can I do, what can I do? I did not contribute anything To make your life comfortable. But lately all I have been asking Wondering; what can I do, what can I do. I’ve watched as you toiled. Disappeared in and out of my life. So now I am asking you, What can I do, what can I do? I know you do not want a thing. Would be happy if I didn’t do anything. All this is true; I just had to ask, What can I do, what can I do? What can I do, I know I cannot undo. All the pain I have caused you. I thought it best if you would tell me. What can I do, what can I do? I am extending my hand, my love to you. Hoping that you would take it and know I did not mean to hurt you, just tell me. What can I do, to show you that I’m sorry? What can I do, what can I say to you. Please just tell me what can I do for you lady? I know your soul is hurting, which makes you Uncertain, that is why I wan...

I actually had one of the best mother's day this year. I had picked up my second daughter from college, a few days earlier. She along with her dad and younger siblings made a lavish breakfast. Yesterday, she had RSVP, for me to attend a pot luck dinner, I did not plan to participate in. She did so because she wanted to utilize the time I was away to prepare for today. I had a pleasant time, but it turned into thoughtfulness because of some choruses that they sang. It made me realized how unrecognized I was. Today, following breakfast, we went to Church and then to a restaurant for lunch. After we had return home, I was quite exhausted. I took a nap. I was then awakened by the rapid racing of my heart. I had a dream, and a fellow in a pick up truck with a boom box was carrying me to get help. The words and rhythm from the tune that was being played was still booming in my head so I wrote it in this song; "I'll carry you." I had a dream that I had fallen. I was work...

This weekend concert featuring Building 429 ended abruptly when a tornado touched down about ten miles from where the concert was. It then rain for about 12 hours straight. The photo and video are of this weekend and evidence of how quickly things sometimes changes. For the second time our property was submerge under water. Luckily for us this is only the second time in 9 years.

If you want to create with me Then set your spirit free. For no one can be happy in captivity? You say that you loved me, Then partner with only me. Do not hide yourself away from me. Come; come be near to where I am. I would never let you down. For you are all that I wanted all along? Happiness will be our theme song. Honesty the key to our getting along. Faithfulness will keep us secure and strong. Come be near me. Write with me. I'll dance and sing to our melody. For this was all that I ever needed. The reason I waited, I wanted you. Wish, wish, but the words are yet To come directly from his lips. But what my heart desires, I wish I could give to my restless spirit.

I am far from what I was Or where I wanted us to be. For my fragile mind did not Remember your honesty? This is what that cost me. Oh my darling, I keep repeating Wanting to be where I came from. And if it were not for your believing Today, I could not have taken a stand. But in knowing that you had seen. Did not lashout or responded to me Was enough to revitalize me, thank you. Thank you, for believing, for taking my hand. For being my one true friend that I can depend on. For picking me up when I had no one. Thank you, for saving my life once again. All I needed was one and you were there for me. You were all that I truly needed, I never knew. Never knew you could be so honest and true. Never truly knew that it was you, so thank you.

I can’t win, I can’t win. Yet, I kept hoping and Holding on to a dream. That is fading, for nothing Turned out the way I imagined. Please all I wanted was for you to Love me but do not keep me From my desires. I need you to let go. Not be a burden or cause me sorrow. For you were not at all that I needed. I’m aching, from hurting, I can’t grow. Like a world wind you destroyed all I wanted. It was past time that we both let our feelings go. I can’t win; I can’t live for there is nowhere That I can be or ever fit perfectly in. I sorrow for tomorrow will not come back again. Have I not lost out on enough? I will not get to be or have a typical companion. Just let me have this one imperfect moment, For in a little while it will all end.

Everything twirling and flashing and reeling. Hitting the floor first then bouncing back And hitting the ceiling. With all the chaos Of our mixed up, upside down world There's one thing it was constantly revealing. All the people of this world all have the same feelings. All the people of this world want it with valid meaning. The loving, the caring and belonging to be from within Not just an artificial or do not actually care, come from Or going nowhere feeling but from someone, that’s for real. I want my super natural high; from a love that pursues me. Not one who leaves me every time he sees another fly Chick that momentarily falls into his grip but sticks with me And believes that I am worth it, so he tries and put up with it. For not only I, but every person wants exactly that too. Perhaps your mother never told you, and your daddy did not want to, Know or be with you and that caused your world to be chaotic While all this maybe true the one thing you can ...

If I left something, behind It was for an excellent reason. No need to look back Or imagine that it was for a season. If I moved on, and away from someone, I did so for a reason and needs to forget them. Why be a fool and return to my folly? What honor is there in humiliation? Purpose does not matter, or who it was, Whether family, God, people or property. They need stay where it is best for them to be, Especially if they deliberately avoided me. Their actions showed they did not love Or ever considered the effects it would produce. I do grieve over their stupidity and mine. That led to my consistently being so disappointed. Gives me cause to grieve every time I remember their callous responses, for my sake There should be no future with them, this I clearly see.

The girl’s dreaming and aspiring While others are working and perspiring Her head is way beyond the clouds. Even as, she is reaching, she’s not that bold. So would she do it, become a superstar, An actress with a Hollywood star, Drive one of those fancy cars? Girl you keep reaching, you may have it all. Mesmerizing me, dazzled me with your fantasy Your propositions could never hurt. Even if it is supersedes this earth. Girl, I will join in for this is so tempting. Want this all, much more than her, for me. Started as her fantasy, but I’ll work on it Just for me. For I am dazzled by all her fantasy But I hold the key to making a success for all to see. Cho. Her fantasy, fulfilled by me. So glad that I hold the key Though things may not go smoothly. I am happy that her dreams include me.

Oh my beautiful one. I keep going on and on. If you decided to leave, I would be disappointed. For I never met anyone That captured my love Or attention, you got me. Even though you have your doubts about me. Baby I am a fan. I may not be your perfect man But baby I am your biggest fan I now keep searching And going on and on Because baby I am a fan. Oh my beloved one. It is not mine, but your decision. Nonetheless, I will remain spell bound Because baby I am a fan Even if I never get to love you Or be known as your man I will understand because baby I am a fan. My heart skips a beat at the sight of you. I know that there is not anything I can do for you, as you have moved on And I am now with another woman, But all I can say is that baby I am a fan. I just was not a perfect man, although I now keep searching and going on and on. Because baby I am a fan.

For to see his face I would be estatic. For him to do as he used to I would be as light and cheerful as I use to be. To attain this and nothing more, I do. He was my fantasy, my eye candy. The key to understanding who gave birth And of the one who actually delivered Me from my nightmare to live out my dreams. Some things I never considered. Just was not necessary to say. Was enough that he was there. His presence is all I wish for again, To rest my eyes, greet with a smile. Be happy, cheerful and bright again. For to dance and hold him Would be quite an accomplishment. For release from all my difficulty Would bring absolute comfort to me. To walk without looking backward, To sing and actually grow old with him, I revealed my true self and said it plainly.

Cannot believe she is the girl I met. Then I see and hear her over the internet. Woo, woo, woo where did The fire cracker girl, go. Woo, woo, woo is she for real? Or am I seeing strange things? The girl had a super natural glow. How could I have turned her down? Now I am the one that is all turned around. Spent my life reminiscing About the things, I have seen. Mainly of that girl, she was like a dream. Then she popped up again. As my internet girl friend. What can I say to her now that I could not then? She now has a lot of responsibility. When I met her she was free. Still she captivates and entices me. With her words, she draws me in. She has me aspiring for different things. I won’t sit around and wait anymore. I want to be with the girl I met. Not just see and hear her on the internet. Why should I always be the one Hidden in the back-ground? When that girl I can never forget.