Rah Times

All I wanted to hear was hello. Good to see you again! Instead I heard some hurtful words. Never again did I see him who offended me. Wish all who cross me could disappear that easily. If it were that simple my world would be empty. I wouldn't be in the hands of a controlling creep. But I am, not for luxury, but for peace. So there is no need for any to be envious of me. Some think I should give in. I don't! I would have left some time ago, If only I had the support I needed. I'm taken for granted. Not by friends but those who were deceived. And I wish I would tell them all that I know, But first, I wanted all to freely choose. Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.

I can accept human error. For I know their fragility. I think as humans do. That God is perfect and true. As I once said to you, it’s OK! I understood men have needs. Desires that are natural. Was never bitter or upset. I just wanted to see, be with you. Then something happened! I desperately also needed you then, So I called, but by your attitude I felt rejected. Changed what I intended to convey. Understand it all now though. For now, my Father chose to show; What I could not then see. In the many months that followed, I was empty, lost, for I missed you. Kept wishing and hoping to meet, As we did once in the street. Did not happen, I had temporarily lost. My comfort, my Father has promised to return, As my reward for all I have done, was meant to be mine. Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.

No one's going to steal my joy because He already did, Then, He lies and denies everything. As if all the evil thrown upon me in life was for my benefit. Would give me pleasure, satisfaction from not achieving. Promises given this woman, as he shares his life with others. Those chosen as earthly wife, mother, daughter and family. Turning a blind eye to me as he ignores all my desperate cries. Wanting nothing other than to flee. He certainly does not respect, Love or has ever treated me the way, one would assume, he would. You crazy delusion girl, all the insults and hurtful words He's hurled, inflicted me with sadness and tremendous hurt. The realization that I was left all alone, unloved, engulfed! Deserted by all of heaven, not given or shown any love. I longed to be sheltered protected, provided for as heaven's child. Not wanting to identify with my broken abandoned child. His action is what has caused me to resent him, crippled me. Confirms to me every ...

The one who was enthroned remains cold and indifferent to me. Cocooned in his world of how he wants things to be; He prohibits and cut off all from me. Anyone who dares to love or care can never be! Neither did he protect me from the enemy. He inhibits, He is as he has always been, A hindrance, who has cost me everything. What he does not want is for the truth to be known. So conspicuously, he chooses to hide and ignores. While refusing to stand or walk beside, For he wants no one to realize. He refrains, and pretends what is written will not be so. To others, he has given while refusing, denying and inflicting me. It is very confusing, stripped by his Majesty of my dignity. Who would ever believe? With him, all heaven was pleased. Mankind knows only of him, and all my work is credited to him. I keep expressing, but fail to communicate how this impacted me. I cannot openly express regret, or say his name today. It is truly from him that I want to ta...

It was not for love, it was not for hate. It was his decision to not associate, With me for reasons, I cannot insinuate. All I know is, I waited a life time for him. I stayed alone, hoping that one day he would come around. Not realizing that he had moved on, wish I knew! I also would have gone on, lived life as one that was free. Chose to do things very differently, I would not have cared. Instead, I stuck to the program, my obligations to understand. Identify with the depravity of man, which still truly baffles me. As though, I was a fallen angel, cast from the throne, I was abandoned. Left alone to deal with all the opposition, The devil has thrown, to discredit and punish me. As if I came here to be a servant to all; After being enthroned above all, can I truly empathize? Wish I could but only shed my disguise; it would be a shock to all. I have truly been nothing but hurt by mankind,  I disguise my feelings. No one is what I thought them to be, Some are ...

To so many, He is a hero. Yet all he has given me is sorrow. I would never want to carry his name. For to me, that would be nothing but shame. I do not blame him, for choosing to keep, The ones for which his love runs deep. That is not the reason, I often do weep. It’s because to me, he has become a creep. Who is this man of whom I speak? It is the one who gives strength to the weak. Has healed the leaper, caused the dumb to speak. Is said to be gentle and very meek. But I will refrain and will not leak The reality of all these things which reek. For the follower of the one that many do seek Would say it is a lie, and brand me a freak. Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.

Oddly enough I stated in one of my most recent blog that I withdrew myself from my daughter’s care. A few minutes ago, I spoke with a social worker at Spaulding for children. According to her, Texas State would agree to pay for my daughter’s continued residential treatment but only if I were involved in her care. I cannot begin to impart to anyone how much the State of Texas appear to be more like a communist State than a democratic one. Various State agencies have violated my civil rights from the moment I have adopted my children from the State of Texas. It all started when I noticed that my two older girls were constantly sexually acting out. Knowing fully well, that children that age could not be aware of those things unless they were exposed to it somehow, I called the social worker that handled the placement. It was about a month before they came to my home to document my complaints. After that, they arranged for me to take the oldest girl to a therapist. Instead of working w...

The nucleus of any structure is its foundation. Often times if the foundation becomes ruin the entire system eventually falls apart. Generally the foundation is put together first, and every thing else is added unto it, or built unto it. In Christian marriages, it is taught that Christ is supposed to be the basis of such marriage. It is widely taught that this is the common faith in Christ. Yet it is recorded that even the devil trembles and believe. Therefore, does this mean that the devil and I would make an excellent partner? My point is that it is more than just genuine belief. Satan believes because he knows facts, but he made his decision a long time ago. He chose to create his own alliance and to oppose God, as opposed, to staying as a part of the team. The rift in heaven took place long before man was ever created. With Lucifer taking the opposite stance, there are two forces at work vying for the souls of men. Lucifer, the fallen angel, uses the desires of men to keep them f...

My life was never meant to be a blue print for mankind to live by. My life's path was to gain experience and understanding and truly to bring change. This will remain factual as it has always been from the cradle to the grave, or so to speak. As I live and learn I am, trying to amend my actions. For the most part, I live life from one day to the other, pretty much as any other person. Had that not been the case, I could not truly identify with others. There are some things that are unique about me but that could be said of most people. The accounts of my life are authentic and real so when I say that I understand the struggles of others; it is because I truly do. I was not born a privileged person. Perhaps unlike most people, I did not sit around waiting for my parents to provide for me. I had a relative that was living with a businessman that owned a grocery store in Belize City. His business was handled by his mother and two sons that were about my age. At about twelve years ...

Determination is the primary factor that establishes how well a person will do in life and what they will accomplish. I arrived at this conclusion based on how my adopted children are doing at this stage in life. They had such a disadvantage start. Yet, I believe that it is their individual resilience that enabled them individually to be where they are today. As for me, I can see clearly that my life leading up to adopting them had prepared me somehow for this challenge. However, as I previously stated, most of the problems I faced, could have been better handled if I had adequate support. It was extremely difficult given the numerous challenges that I dealt with on a daily basis. To make matters worse, I felt that darned few people recognized that. I was at times ridiculed more than I was affirmed which caused me even more frustration. Of the four girls as per my knowledge, my oldest daughter was the most abused of them all. As she acted out, I largely focused on meeting her needs. ...

My frolicking mind, my wondering thoughts, Have a million conflicting emotions fought. Questioning, answering, waiting for him. Not knowing if he is eager to do anything. Walking hand in hand, looking, gazing, smiling. Focusing, staring only at each other, Dancing, sharing, dreaming, accomplishing, Overcoming challenges and frustrations. As though romance can decipher offer resolutions. Provide answers to even the daily crossword puzzles. Therefore, relations may not momentarily meet my need, Only temporarily put my mind at ease. Yet the solutions, I am after, certainly does need care. Support from a benefactor that will truly be there. One who is not afraid, will stick around and not wimp out. A very determined character that is willing to fight, Even as I struggle with conflicts and things do not seem right.   Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.

As I peered into the future. I watched as I stood waiting for you. As I carried your feeble frame, As you slipped from my presence. I cried over and over, time and time again. I truly wished, I could have imparted my love to you. That I had called you, at the right time. That you had gladly received me, that I had not upset you. I often pondered and reflect back on those days too. Was it that you or I that was trying to be faithful and true? Did you decide that it was her, and not I that was the right one? Had I not moved on, you not given up hope, desire desist, I might not have removed myself, but I did. Not for my sake. Thought I saw disapproval in your face. So I left, for yours.   Oddly enough, I thought it was what you wanted. Knew you did not truly understand, I had obligations. My family, my path were all chosen in accordance, With the plan laid out for me. Wish It were not so. That I could freely chose, for I would have certainly chosen you. Visit r...

Tell me pretty Angel when you look at me, That a flawed man was not what you saw in me, Please, write me, include me in your destiny. I will love you and treat you differently. Tell me pretty Angel, for I long to be The one that change your view of humanity, Although perfect I may not be. I want to love you for all eternity. Tell me pretty angel, what you want from me? For all I ever wanted was you, next to me. I understand why, you were kept from me. I’ll do anything, so that would no longer be. And the angel said, why, why? Tell me why pretty boy, should I give us a try? I have admired you, loved you for all of my life. Yet, you have always chosen another to walk beside? It certainly made it unclear and was definitely unfair. Even now, that there is another, It seems as if you never truly cared.

Having lived in religious communities has enabled me to understand the error in man’s comprehension of what God expects of them. For that reason, I once wrote that I do not like religiousness. I am convinced that man uses religion to control other men. Jesus told the people in his day, I came so that you may not just simply live but live abundantly. I understand that to mean that his intentions were not to limit us but for us to live up to our full potential. I have attended churches that believe that their foundation is based on biblical principles. One such church I attended would put aside members for not attending services regularly. They also did that if it is known that a person was involved in fortification or extra-marital relationship and whatever they view as unpardonable. In those days, my position was that I was simply learning. It was these experiences that enable me to determine what needed to be corrected. On occasion, I spoke privately to those in charged and voic...

The one thing, I should not have to do is push my husband to stand up for me. Any man should know the character of the woman he chose to stay with. In addition, he makes it a habit of telling me what it is that I want. Whatever I often tell him, he would convince me that what I say I want is not what I truly want. After eighteen years of that, I am beyond exhausted. Too often I would have to tell him that our marriage was over before he would try to make an effort to address issues or do things differently. All of a sudden this morning he asked me for a page from my daughter’s diary where she documented her contemplated behavior. Now, he decided after I am assuming she spent her entire family session with him harping on the fact that I have removed myself. I kept telling her that there are some behaviors that nurture a relationship and others that sever friendships. According to her diary her actions were planned so as to enable her to go back to private school. When that did not w...

It is time that I start living for myself. At first I lived for my parents then my children. Have you never heard the phase to your own self be true? I told my son today as I sent him off to school that even if the world around him starts to fall apart, he should concentrate on accomplishing the things that are before him. Sadly, he understood what I was saying. He is a highly sensitive child and is often upset by my distress, he has grieved for me, been frustrated with me and do not always favor my actions. As I have watched so many couples around me dissolve their marriage, I have always thought it was out of selfishness. I am not declaring that this is what I am doing. At the present moment, I am only being thoughtful, but today I see things differently. I sincerely hope that there is absolutely no one that would willingly and easily terminate their marriage. I think that I am a truly compassionate person and that time and time again that I have emptied myself for my family’...

“Little girl, where is your mother?” “Why good Sir, you are my mother," "My father, sister and brother.” “You are my everything. Why do I need another?” “If I am ever in need, I will look to no other.” “Save the one, that's supposed to be my partner.” “Little girl, what are you after?” “Well God Sir, I was looking for him but found you!” "I miss my Father." “Would you love me instead and be faithful and true too?.” “Not that I do not have other goals and aspirations.” "I just need for someone down here to help me too." “Little girl, How old are you?” “Well Sir, I am old enough to live on my own. Recognize that you are elegantly clothed. Give you a clue: I have a job, which I am committed to. I'm courteous, say good morning and smile freely At the sight of you. Something that is minor but all ought to do.” Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.

I remember the day we met as if it were only yesterday. On bended knees, you looked up at me, as I smiled. Looking back at you, I wish you knew what I saw. Perfection in disguise, gently and playfully you also smiled. Then disappeared from my sight, with no one at my side. Full of fear, I searched for you both day and night. When I finally found you, you were not the same. For an instance I thought I recognized you, then I walked away. Only to realize how wrong I was, you were with another. I felt deserted, thrown away by my friend and partner. Just wanted you to know the importance of choosing, To wait for that unique  person, one that would have complimented me in life. As much as I have grown and see, I wish I had known my fate. I would have kneeled on one knee beside you and say; Please do not walk away, for if you do I will change, I will never be, The girl that stands shyly smiling admiringly looking back at you. ...

One night after I was already asleep, there was a knock at one of my daughter’s window. When she looked out she saw two men in ski-masks. That night she was not expected to be there. It was only supposed to be me and the other troubled child. When that girl looked out the window the men fled. My husband and all the children were supposed to go on an overnight camping trip. I cannot recall the exact details, but the one girl was not going so it was planned that I would stay home with her. The last minute the other one decided to stay. When my husband came home, I told him about the incident in the presence of my one daughter that was expected to be there. I then asked her who the men were. Initially, she refrained from answering and kept biting on her bottom lip. My husband then jumped to her defense and said the men were thieves. She did not say a word. I felt she knew exactly who they were because she appeared nervous. This is the reason, I say he supports her and does not protect ...

I am beginning to see a pattern in myself. I am so frustrated with the way things are I decided that I must be an extremely poor judge of character. I truly admired my husband when I first married him. Although, I must say I did not like him a whole lot when I first met him. I thought he was condescending and rude. At that time, I was soft spoken, extremely bashful but laughed a lot. I knew him for years but never bid him the time of day. My sister knew him and spoke quite highly of him. On occasions when we met she would engage in conversation with him, but I never joined in. I would stand by until they were through. When she first mentioned him, I had no clue as to whom she referred. She was impressed with his intelligence. He and my sister were causal friends and had similar academic aspiration. Oddly enough when I finally got around to talking to him like 7 years later, I too was impressed with his intelligence. In the years prior to that, I ignored him. I remembered once, he ask...

I would not degrade and embarrass you, Even though you have denied me. Why else would I write, As though your desire was for me? I honestly cannot tell my true identity. Cannot believe you wanted no part of me. I chose to hide the pain that caused me. Please just stop penalizing me. Run you scoundrel! Truly wish there was a place for you. Similar to the pit of hell, But I darn well know, That would be the same curse you'd have for me. This life, which was entrusted on me, Left me lacking and desiring to be, Definitely removed, tossed off like an old shoe. Separated from you not only now but for all eternity. And trust me there is such a thing. Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.

There are two sides to every story, and it takes the effort of two people for there to be healthy relationship. A single person cannot solely influence the direction of a relationship, it takes both parties. I cannot tell your story; only mine and my view probably differ from yours. Without communicating, all I can do is form my own conclusions or write your account from my perspective. If I am constantly reaching out to a person and if all my efforts do not elicit a response then I would logically conclude that, I am not loved or wanted by this person. At the last counseling session, I had with my daughter, I told her; I will no longer be as involved with her treatment. I will entrust her care and parenting to my husband. As per her own testimony, he is more supportive of her. From the moment, I became her mother; I placed a tremendous amount of effort in mothering her. From the start, she did not appear to be particularly cognizant of my efforts. Although, I have heard her say that...

I put on my heartfelt smile as I wave hello. Instead it was goodbye. It was all a fantasy, we were not friends. I will never willingly give my heart again. Wave to my fair weathered friend. For if the waves ever rolled by, Our friendship like water vapor would Disappear with every sunny sky. He was not actually my boyfriend. Just one that smiled to flatter himself When things were going swell. He was my mister as well. I thought I knew him, the reason I fell! Never realized that he kisses and tell. Better know now rather than after Not only my smile fade but also my laughter. Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.

The one thing that is abundantly clear is that the medical field is an ever changing one. I was a little disappointed after I spoke to the recruiter at the hospital; I thought would be a perfect fit for me. He said he would review my resume, but it would be a hard sell with me not working for sixteen years. Quite honestly those were my exact thoughts. A lot of time and money goes into retraining a nurse; therefore, it would be a lot more cost effective to hire someone that never left the field. I guess that leaves me in a pickle. Perhaps there are other options I am just not sure what those would be. I know staying put is not one of them. Why did I give up my life for people that eventually turn on me and not only that I feel so insecure here? I know what my motives were at the time but why were these things hidden from me. Although, I know the answer to that too, it was all to gain an understanding. While I know the direction of some things, I am unsure of others. Having awareness g...

There is a difference between a vision and a dream. I believe that a vision is based on precise sight of futuristic events. Visions consistently come to be, where as dreams may come true sometimes other times they do not. Dreams can sometimes be based on thoughts; visions, however, are not. Both visions and dreams are sometimes given by God and not always of our own volition. When John wrote Revelations, he said he had a vision and then explained what he saw. One example was of the woman in Revelations 12 that was given wings of a great eagle. Being a man from an earlier period, he did a fantastic job describing what he saw. The only birds that a human have every ridden on are aero planes; therefore, he could not say, an airplane was chartered for the woman, so she could fly to her place. Then he wrote that he was carried away in the spirit. I am convinced that he was dreaming at that moment, for the things he wrote in that state cannot be as easily explained. There was more symb...

I am so overwhelmingly concerned about my daughter that is mentally ill. As a parent, it is difficult to accept certain truths about a child. If she had a physical illness, it would be a lot easier for me to grasps. Yet the fact remains and as much as I do not want to believe that the cause of her behavior is mental illness that is the way it is. I know that I have said so in my writings, but I was still struggling to believe it. Yet apart of me remain frightened because, in the past, her behavior placed me in harms way. I think my concerns have increased slightly over the last few weeks because while interacting with her I have not seen any improvement in specific areas. After reviewing her updated treatment plan, I saw where it was documented that she is still struggling with hearing me. As her adopted mother, I represent the mother that abandoned her. In addition, she sees me also as the obstacle that's preventing her from doing what she wants to. As she deals with her issues ...

I had a lovely morning. I went to a friend house to support her. She had a training session at her house so as to advance in her Mary Kay business. As apart of the training she had to have individuals that would be interested in listening to a presentation on becoming a sales person. The training was conducted by a regional representative and was exceptionally pleasant. They encouraged participation by handing out tickets that were then entered into a drawing for a prize. There were a total of five people, not including the presenter. I actually enjoyed the time even learning about the company. It also helped that there was no pressure to become a seller. There is still a certain amount of shyness about me, although, at times, I can be some what outgoing. Whenever I am comfortable in an environment, I can out talk and out play most people. It usually takes time for me to get to that comfort level before that happens but in this scenario that was not the case. In such a small group I ...

I have a particularly strong sense of wanting to protect my children’s privacy but also a need to be safe. This is essentially an immense internal struggle for me. Who in their right mind would put someone's interests before their own? Well I think mothers all around the world does. The most frustrating part is that I am waving this red flag and becoming terribly upset. There are truly capable individual that love me yet, they refrain. One would think after seeing, watching and interacting with me for many years that my character would have been abundantly evident. I know that I can tell in most cases a wholesome person from observation. I am fully aware that it is better not to involve others in difficult personal issues. I also know that my husband is supposed to be the person who is to take an active role in protecting and supporting me. The reality is, that is not who he is. There are friends who have consistently been there for me, but there is a limit to what they can do. ...

Burdened by the past accumulated by worry. I could not see victory. I clearly see what frustrated, weighed heavily, should be let go of, unnecessary load, I insisted to carry least I forget, I dishonor victims. All who suffered, failed myself. Yet, I need to be content. Not broken from sorrow things I can't repair, compensate for. But, I long to hear a single person acknowledgment or verbalize understanding For all I experienced. Peace, I regard as continued neglect, indifference, none caring complacency,indifference don't give a damn-ness. A lot of what I am used to, was behind awaits, but then will be called peace. Visit https://www.amazon.com/author/ruthgarnes/ for more on the Author.

Angel! As if at that moment, he saw. The only one to whom actual truth was revealed. At various times heavenly creatures live among men. For many has entertained them unknowingly. His slender body clad in fitted denim trousers. Standing as though he had already forgotten. It has been decades, yet I remembered. Was not quite sure as to what, he referred. Did he actually see or was it of her beauty, he spoke? Then imagine my surprise, when the realization hit me. He did see an angel, then briefly pursued. Yet it is clear, he does not honestly know. Neither does he believe in the existence of such creatures, Thus denying her being and what he had seen. The evidence is in her actions, the things she does, Cannot be explained, a peculiar thing to voice, afraid to say. He did love, sadly to say, but not today, a different time. The reality that God is present among mankind will be his. The great, "I Am" always was and forever will be.

Outcome and the things I strived for are often different. For this reason, I often feel as if I do not get the things I want in life. I do not measure my success based on the material things I have accumulated but on the things I desired to do. I know I am not alone in not having done the kind or work I wanted to. I am also aware that I did get to do a little of what I wanted just not on the scale, I intended. I invested away too much in my intent to the detriment of relationships. In relationships, I do the same to the detriment of me. As a result, I become way more disappointed or hurt than the average person would be. I am also fully cognizant that frequently I tend to determine how others will respond by how someone else did. I know people are individuals and what one person does at times differ from another. Yet it is difficult for me to isolate one from the other. The result is that I penalize one person for the actions of others. I guess sort of like ethnic profiling. Not that...

The memory of your tilted head the tender way your eyes rested, As discontentment saturated my face. interpreted it as your way of saying cheer up, do not be unhappy. small gesture miraculous uplifted me. Wanting only to delight you, I smiled while I was feeling unhappy. trying to recapture moments like those I peered deep within my mind, to bring comfort to my Disappointed and disheartened spirit. There I found memory of a person, I wanted to be with. Longing for the minutest gesture, indication of love, see if care was still there, be there again to comfort. again and again, only to question myself. my past emotions and senses were wrong, or was I aloof? unaware of true feelings, created them in my head? Really searched for genuine affection. Instead, I unveiled your true nature and who and what I was. I was affected by you, that I kept hidden. realized that it might have been unclear. As you toyed with my feelings for you, some things remain unchanged but, I a...

Well I took that first step towards doing something for myself. It is not exactly what I want to do, but maybe this time it may take me where I want to be. I applied for a job. Not in my immediate vicinity but in a near by City about four hours from where I live. Nursing was supposed to be a stepping stone for me. The way I mapped it out in my head was that it was going to help pay for the rest of my education. Needless to say, that never happened. Today it would seem as if I will have to go back to it and try again. As I have grown, I am a different person from the one I was with those ideas. I have had many disappointments and failures and have done other things I never dreamed, I would do. I typically spend my time doing things for my family, writing and painting. On occasion, I would do a presentation for the United Way. That was the kind of work I intended to do from the start. My intention was to acquire skills that would allow me to do humanitarian things. I now do so on occas...

I am at a cross road in my life where for the actual first time, I am considering what I want out of life. I've lived my life pleasing others and pushed all I wanted for myself on the back burner. Wanting to please my parents, then my spouse and children and even God has left me completely unhappy.  Earlier on in my life I thought, I was doing what God wanted me to. Today, I am still a little confused on that subject. I am troubled and a little apprehensive. In considering my well-being, I fear that I am being selfish. My children's interest should be more important, but the truth is I have growing concerns about my own safety. The teenage years seem to be an extremely pivotal time in the life of a child. Their identity is forming, and decisions they make can scar or determine their future. Teenagers concentrate a lot on self and do not seem to stop to think of how their behavior impacts those around them. There are behaviors that nurture relationships and ones that ruin t...