Rah Times

Unlike a servant, but a slave I was adorned with humiliation. Left to labor from cradle until my grave. Protection became a foreign concept. Abandonment my hallmark and endowment. But a rare, delightful butterfly, I emerged. Colorless moth, the portrait of my life, accomplished little, I was not chosen to fly. It matter not how hard I worked or tried. I was not reward, received harsh words and indifference. Merciless punishment became my only payment. My name and position taken and awarded to another. I was cursed, as I requested help, treated unlike others. I did realized, I had better be still, not ask any more. With that state of mind, I lost my beauty and my smile. Soon I had even fewer support, no one to walk beside me. My family did not know, recognized or requested me. My Father did not comfort, keep his words, but turned away from me. Claimed that he appointed others to watch over me. Human beings! All took advantage, raped and did not do right by me. How co

The crushing of grapes produces new wine. Prolonged trampling of my spirit, despair and loss. The lasting effects of this will be felt by many. Not just for weeks but for an indefinite period. My soul agonizes for they had made tremendous progress. And yet, God and men chose to repeat this offense again. As I stare in the faces of the ones that inflicted me. I grieved and mourn because of whom gave rise to it. Not a victory for the appointed, but the one who seem superior. For the generation that’s to come, I must put an end to this. I want for discrimination to be condemned and not repeated again. Wish I was aware; I would have fought not stood still. I would have chosen to die not spear my own skin. For my children, I now live but pass unto them this legacy; Of shame and affliction by men, even though, undeserving. My soul weeps, it sorrows, why did they selfishly allowed this.

I gaze into her eyes. Not to see her vision But to take hold of mine. Her misty eyes were cloudy. Unclear because of all her tears. Was it sadness? Why, I love her! Selflessly tried to hold unto My longing, cravings Not considering her dreams. Neither did I care to know, What it was, she desired. My ruthlessness wounded The one I loved until I lost her. Oh the wrath that arose within me. How could she refuse me! Not understand that it was her. I lay with my others, my mistake! She avoided my stare, to her I appeared cold, not as her lover, More like the one that betrayed her. She did not walk upright but staggered away. Severely wounded by my intensions.

Landing a lot harder than expected. She sprang back up, observing the shock. Unsure if it had been a few days. If it were the many way she had been Disappointed or simply dreaming Of how things should and could have been. Yet, determined to keep things going. She devised another plan of action. Knowing fully well, he would block her again. It was a difference in opinion, perspective. Her claims, his explanation, he walked away from her. Does not support her claims, neither did his money. A life time of betrayal, lies and denial by him. He believes it was only momentarily. Yet, she had only briefly sat next to him. No consideration of what came before or after. Her less than smooth landing, her journey. Her position adjacent to him was never considered. The impact his choice and action had on her. It became a lot more relevant that she achieves Not for him to love or assisted her. That she never wanted. Only what she strove for, wish to accomplish. He was neither s

She came, she cried, partly revealed Herself before saying, her last goodbyes. Her beauty had faded. She was now angry. Her warm and laughter was now buried. No longer delightful, but broken and crushed. Her trodden spirit endured too much. Many stormy days, lack of care. Wanting the respect she believed She earned but will not be shown. She tried, but discouragement came upon her. Her silky smooth skin and charm was gone. Her virtues were now passed on to her son. No one sheltered her, but now she does him. Her efforts, sacrifices, and labor were of no value. To her master, the one she trusted for it was he who sent her. She thought, she was deserving at least of love and respect. To her no care or recognition was displayed or given. Realized, he had showered all, to benefit himself Mainly those that surrounds him. She walked away, Only after she discovered that he had before her. With that, her cries were ignored, payment with held. Her efforts obstructed, and sh

He honored a p romiscuous woman ! His wife, the holy one, he condemned. Says, he will not do that again. What does it matter? Were 30 years not enough? Spent a life time alone contemplating. How could I ever trust such a one again? Who did he sincerely love, The woman, he blessed spent his days with, Or the one he threw out to the wolves? Which actions displayed love, And which one was a demonstration of hate? If my heart, he or anyone else says differently, Then they all deceive them self and me as well.

It is not what we’ve been through. You and I have not experienced anything together. There was never any we, but you and I was least. I pleaded to you, and you ignored me. That’s the extent of our interaction. Why would I credit you with the things I achieved? When it comes to me, those things do not come from you. It is not I that left you but you deserted me. Then placed the blame on me. Literally tried to turn the tables on me. Then attempted to deceive me. To protect your life. I alone know the truth. You are still in control. Hindering me from revealing the truth, Keeping me imprisoned, from my heart desire. Why would I later care for such a selfish creature? Yes, you add to me, only that which is humiliating. All you have done so far is brought hurt to me. And as to your plans that are to glorify you self not me.

Who does not prefer what they can relate to, But how can any being totally empathize, With what they cannot understand or identify with? The things other suffered or been through, If I struggle with connecting or knowing about it, How could I honestly give comfort or do for them? Hence getting involved was highly beneficial. For experiencing first hand gives vision and enlightens thoroughly. Like medicine is healing to a sick body. Support and encouragement does the same for troubled minds. There is simply not enough life time for only one to see all the suffering. That is the reason, involvement of others was immensely pertinent. The Lord did not walk by himself, neither did he do it all alone.

Reasons do not eliminate effects. Does not carry or compliment me. Does not take away, what was done to me. It simply demonstrates your disregard. While I was left alone it was not along side me. Did not accompany, comfort, and delight, Or bestow honor and peace of mind to me. It told me your objective was number one. Far more valuable than your consideration. That you were never momentarily mindful Cared how your actions would impact. That you are incapable of loving completely. Signifies that your choices are motivated selfishly. It is a reality, that I carry the effects Of what, your mindless choosing brought.

You do not know me! Even I have forgotten. The woman, I was. Although, I do remember her. Realize that we did not belong together. We met as strangers then parted With me wishing that we did not meet. Affirming that we should never be. Wish there was some just for me. One who would not be afraid, Or ashamed and free to love me. Wish there was someone other than him. One who would be willing to dance cheek to cheek Only with me, not as friends, But as my one and only true lover. That when the night fades We would stand together, not with any other; But so that when the curtain closes, My heart would have known joy. Long before I close my eyes and fall asleep.

On this particular day, it would seem as though, I am more vain than wise. That was not the case though. I had just gotten back home from an appointment with one of my daughters. My husband was not waiting around for me to change my attire with that I went along the group just as I was. We are cutting thorns and branches to build a trail at a camp owned by the YMCA and services mainly low income families. This is actually my son's eagle project. I wanted to be there because I was there from the moment he requested permission to do this, to selecting where the path would be built. So I look a little vain in my Skorts, high heel and sun glasses, but I was not going to miss out on any part of this. It is not the clothing that is ever important but being there and seeing him through.

Thinking about you. Taking a trip Down memory lane Wishing all is well with you. I wish I could sit If only for a minute Next to you, for There is nothing I’d rather do, Than to spend my time with you. The slow melody Of a jazz band A dance with my lady, Or just listening to the blues. Would make such a difference If I got to share that with you. Wish to walk, hand in hand With the only one, I ever loved. For there is not anything I would rather do, but spend Quality time, alone with you. For now, I'm just thinking of you.

I carried him. His tiny fingers, I kissed many times. I can feel them slipping, From my heart and mind. He is safe, he should remain Up in heaven, where he belongs. I can feel that it will not be he, But my attaining my desire That would restore joy to me. I know it is far fetched but true. I could not afford what I wanted to do. Just my thoughts that maybe, I will. Tucked far away from everyone. But I have never been so blessed. I know that would be best for me. For it is what I wanted above all other. Not to partner with anyone or have a family. I tried it, and it confirmed that it was not for me.

I realized he mostly revealed lies. His momentarily is more than fifty years Too much for me to get through. Yet, I battled to finish successfully. I understand his reasons, his rejections. For hiding me from the world. Perhaps they would have loved, if they knew. The point is, he did not intend that for me. He trashed my spirit to honor her. I was an example of how far he willingly chose To go, to do for her, showered her with love While hating me a million times more, I sorrow. Why would someone as independent as he, Honor and bless someone as rotten as she. No one does that sake for the object of their desire. Yet, she remains unaware, does not even appreciate it. While day after day, I am cognizant of his actions. I weeping uncontrolably and begged for mercy. He heard, just does not desire only despise and hates me. He trampled my soul, denied me quiet and opportunity. Although, it is not written, gave me nothing more than Grief, empty promises and fear of faci

Because he left me drained Of my exact identity, I will remove the scales Give sight to the blind. If the curious wants to know I will serve him up on a platter. Life has been extremely rough, I have been abandoned and afflicted Mostly by the masters own hands, Which goes to his true character. This may cause me to seem As a despised scorned woman. I am all that and so much more. I can bear you up or cause The entire world to mourn. I blame him and you, although, You do not know me, for I always was hidden, While supremely he ruled. Gave himself a feast while I hungered. Had he not lashed out at me, Not wanting to disrupt his life for me. Turned his back, not caring as I weep. I would have quietly lived and departed. I cried to the Shepard, I reached out to the wolves, Not even them wanted to ravish or rescue me. None desired me other than the one who held me captive. He was a lot milder and not as cruel as the creator.

Do not let it be said, That this was for me. Despite all you read, All of it crushed me. He is not a reward, But the destroyer of me. I did not know the joy Of a supportive family. Dissension and discord Was all that was handed to me. He did for others, embarrassed And cursed at me. What kind of love is that? Why am I so bitter you ask? You praise him and devalued me. Compare his living to my existing! If he were at home sitting on his throne Then that would have been different, But he deliberately did this for his personal gain.

I cannot erase those moments from my mind. The pounding of my heart that announced That my husband was there for me. I turned and look around, did not want to leave Abruptly, I had the child I was caring with me. I wanted to go, but it seemed rather strange. Presently I am glad that I stayed where I was. I have many bitter memories which he denies. It is only now that I realized that he hated me. He brought me here not to display love, But for all he did, said and done to me. I think of my mother and her foolish choices. I knew I had none so I settled for one. Wish I knew then, what I now know. I would have chosen to stay in the hell I was Cast in and remained there; instead, I traded it. For an even worse one than the original. I read about the end, what my reward would be. Its apparent my situation is still being repeated. I live in fear of it, my heart responds differently. It aches from the disappointment how I was treated. His rejection, all he chose, gave and

I shifted my weight. First to one leg then the other. I twiddled my thumb, Touching one with the other. I looked up and all around. For I was waiting for my lover. With deep sighs, I sucked in my breath. I did not want to appear anxious as I was. Everything within screamed, I had lost him forever. So what was I waiting for? Transportation, the train! The vehicle that was going to take me away. Yet, I wanted for him to appear to reassure me. That I was his one true lover. It never happened! So, now I press my nose Closely to the window and left my mark. For I was sure his would stay with me, forever. He never came, never said what I wanted to hear. I departed, did not get what I went looking for. I knew the reason for my departure and what kept me. For all the things, I aspired for and in learning. It was not people but the things that I wanted to do. In the end, it was only those that brought satisfaction to me.

My crumbled spirit laid low. Far beneath a journey which Ruined the core which once held it. Wanting to fade along with the night. It was stirred but not awakened. Saddened by the rising sunlight. That which gave warmth and light to others. Did the opposite to me, yet no one knew it. Or would any of them listen. Those who saw closed their eyes. Others who heard their ears and minds. Too preoccupied with their preferences. They loved their life just did not want To be apart of whatever I was or fallen in. Did not matter what I contributed or was happening. Honor continually clothed those as rags did me. I stood alone and held my sorrows in my hands. Wounded but my journey, they insisted must go on. I craved rest, to stop for a bit, to be cradled. A heart like the one I held deserved peace and love. Is certain that I did not find or will be shown it. The one that claimed to be love was certainly not. My heart needed assistance, but not any more. Not the kind that c

You told me the year was all wrong. I just did not understand. Not that I do now completely. I simply expected things to be precise But that is sometimes not the way of life. Visions and dreams, they can be disappointing. I realized that it could be that the timing is wrong. Not the events, intentions or actual outcome. I fell in to a deep slumber. I had not done that in days. When I awaken, I craved more rest. Correlates to the happenings around me. I was definitely not where I long to be. A little disappointed and frustrated. I am sure that the truth lies ahead. Has light ever had knowledge of time? Is aware of life’s events by the seasons. Certainly not accurate knowledge of dates for anything.

Why a person would purposely chose to live the quality of life where the mundane meets the serene is bewildering to me? Is life’s purpose only for existing? Do we not all have some kind of responsibility to contribute something? Are any of us created only to continue the circle of life? I do not believe that we are all expected to discover new worlds but perhaps to be that one who carries another’s burden. I am fully convinced that every single life was given purpose. I read and see many that seem only to strive for popularity and wealth, and I wonder about their contentment. Outward happiness is not joy. It is only a temporary fix. Plus it is like working only for the immediate as if there is no thought to what comes after. The sacrifice to attain without thinking about the after life is much too serious. It is especially so if, the result of attaining those things does not result in eternal peace. I am not at all against the ordinary or those with popularity, but they are both at

Jerusalem has a new name. She is also not the same. Presently, she does not love her husband. Because his actions severely impacted her. He also carries a new name but only a few knows. In her presence, he selected himself a new wife. One that he blessed and gave the best in life. Provided for that wife by giving all his youth to her. There was not any joy or provision made for the angel. Only that which brought her sorrow and shame. No reward, or compensation for all her work. Her husband and all of his followers deserted her. Which one of them ever loved, knew or defended her? Chose to do in order to uplift and glorify her. Do you know what the father plans are for her? It has grieved and destroyed what matters to her most. Even truth is not that to her but lies and deception. Promises of peace to stop her destruction, unwelcome. For frail and in a pile of rubble her foundation lay. Destroyed by the one that claims he'll return to her.

How could we have been so blind? Denied you and chose others to walk beside. Not extending love or compassion to you. But choosing to leave you on your own. Where is our song of worship? Who is it that we adored, The one that we chose not to stand with, Or the one you placed on the throne? I know that we were made to worship. That we cannot do that on our own. And our hearts are filled with sorrow Because we left you to suffer all alone. Many days we’ve cried Ab, father. We cannot bear this burden alone. You know how truly frail we are. That we could not do this on our own.

I was awakened in the middle of the night. By an overwhelming urge, that told me to prepare. My prince has dedicated himself to winning. Not only my freedom but his ardent desire. Wish it was me that he wanted but Long before, he met me, he had a dissimiliar one. I came later, after he gained wealth for himself. I was only a girl searching for my own way in this world. I founded it but was profoundly disappointed by it. With that, I departed to live with others I did not know. It saddened me that I could not be where my heart longed. I found myself among many; I hardly knew or care to know. They filled my soul with doubt and even more sorrow. I could not even relay to them who I honestly was. They would not sincerely believe and would be filled with doubt. For those and many other reasons, I kept my mouth closed. There was only one thing that I could do, wait for my prince. Whether or not he now works with or for me is unknown. All I know is that he holds the key that

Yesterday, I ran barefooted in the rain, down the streets of Houston, for the first time. It was exhilarating and fun. I would recommend that everyone tries it at least once. We all need a carefree day once in a while, to let go of all our inhibitions and simply be a child again.

Little do they know. That charity does not insist. It waits for its day, invitation, To go along side. Is gracious and kind in a nonoffensive way. How many will have to live. Who will have to give his life? For a single person to understand. That God does not push Inflict himself on anyone. But graciously accepts them Lovingly with opens arms. Advises all to use that same approach.

I’ve been beaten up more than lifted up. For the one that was to love me Turned his back and refused to care for me. I cry in heart, through words and songs I’ve been deserted for way too long. Where did my sorrow of heart comes from! The very one they sing and pay tribute to. What would this truth do to the gospel? What effect would it have on those who In Jesus’ message believe? I sorrow for all of these. Oh sorrow, you are my only company. Oh the many secrets that you carry. If he was not here, I would understand. I know that I had personally appealed to him. Realized even the effects this would have on him. My heart sorrows for all the unfortunate people. My heart sorrows for I long, but lost my home. My heart sorrows because I am on my own. My heart sorrows for, I no longer have my name. For the fact that no one would believe I am the same.

Wish they would understand That I need to handle this on my own. Wish they knew the hurt That I am not just another woman Sent here from heaven’s throne. Wish they would leave my family's issues alone. Instead, it feels as if they are working against me. Wish you knew, Wish you cared! Wish you would have been there for me. Wish I had another to love and guide me. That you had provided that for me. But wishes do not do any of that I know for I have lived without all that. Father! Why did you break my heart? Why choose to inflict me from the start. It is hard to be alone, to be fighting on my own. Why did you choose for me to be among them? It is difficult to walk and live along side them. I really need to depart, for I’ve had enough. This living has me all beaten up.

I am in the middle of a war zone alone. They call themselves my comrades. They attack as though they are the enemy. I wonder if these are given as friends or foe. Their banner does not carry my name. Every one of them is the same, righteous. Yet they are all wrong as Lucifer himself. They cannot see to stand against me. Will cause them to fall, whose fault is that. I know we do things contrary to human beings. But standing against me has consequences. I am in the middle of a war zone without support. It is not the difficulty of the task that will cause me to fail. It is the folly of these self righteous one that will cause that.

It does not matter! One day we will have it all. You can keep some or all For I am confident the day Will soon be here, that this Horrible nightmare is finally ending. If for a moment I doubt And this was only my imagination. Then I would have need to fear, But I am certain that joy will soon be here. Oddly enough that both scares and delights me. Never before had I placed my faith in the future, Or anyone so blindly, but apart of me always knew. Just a little sadden that I was always on the outside, Watching you, while others got to sit and be with you.

I walked the desolate City To see if I could find Where my future children Would one day dwell. Yet I failed to connect With their father, for he Did not believe or knew Not only my identity But that he would father those. I walked alone for not even I knew Who I was, but I did know it was he. I was not there to change or convince him. Yet, at this time, I have been insisting, As if, he does not have his own mind. Possess self will to continue refusing, Or accept that all I say is true, but when, When would any of these things be? A question I’ve asked myself many times. For as much as I now know still I do not. Really know a whole lot about him.

So small but superbly strong. The one that came from An overflow of love. An out pouring of passion, That appeared to desist. Only for a few seconds. Then with a roar, crushed All that stood before, obstructing its path. Its rightful place, besides the one, That had long considered it. That would blossom and grow from it. So that one day the life that sprung forth. Would later take the lead, fulfilling all their purpose.

I ever so slightly touched his face. I needed to, not just to caress him, But that I had long anticipated. The warm touch of his skin The designs I had, my thoughts fixed on him. At last, I was where I wanted to be. The ocean breeze blow all my cares To isle unexplored but my affections, Stayed constant, momentarily unexplored But from the precise time my fingers Laid ever so softly on his face, I knew, From that day forth, exactly who I wanted. For I had loved him more than anyone.

Trying to reach beyond The things that scar me. Those that disappointed Refused to hold on to me. But continued to hold out on me. I reached out blinded by my pain. Wanted no promises of gain. Long for my spirit to soar Be apart of something positive. I desired a whole lot, than I can express. For the spark, the fire that roars, To continue to burn, warm hearts. Those that needed me much more Than all these who did not care. I wanted to sit with those of you That needed a hug, untouched by few. I wanted to love the unlovable too. Not simply to become as one of you.

Why would you ever embrace me? When I have never wanted or cared for you. Is it not obvious that I did not love you? I chose who I wanted; it was to her that I gave. Her that I spent my life with became my significant. One day as King of heaven, I will put her next to me. And that I already did, so she will be my future. Heaven will one day have a new Queen, Jerusalem. As it was her that I selected and shared my life with. What say you old City, who are you? Your faded beauty, who knew you, wanted you? Lay you among the ashes gave only that to you. Why would I highly esteemed one, ever want you? What say you of me, when it was you that was least? Is it not obvious as to why I denied you, gave you nothing? If you meant anything to me, I would not have done that. Whatever it was it is over, and you can keep your unheard words.

I wrote and rewrote this poem about 5 times. I was overcome by a lot of disheartening events, but I think I finally got it right. This is not me being unforgiving. But me doing what is right for me. For as long as I have been breathing, You have placed others ahead of me. Chorus: The choices I made affected me. So this means I can no longer be With a love that ignores me, But prefers one, whose affection is clear to me. I need a partner who would stand by me. One that would love and assist me. Not one who truly preferred everyone. Much more than he cared for me. I am not being unforgiving but choosing, The kind of love I can trust and believe in. I no longer want a list of excuses. I cannot hold unto foolishness. I have done this many times before, Burying my needs with in my sorrows. As if, you and they were not mine, but no more! I am choosing to love myself and to let that go.

He did not want me to leave, I did not want to stay. This is beyond the recovery stage. I am being forced to do this. For I have no will or desire to continue this. Especially now that I am severely wounded. Neither is it about his desires to give to me. Or is it about love, that he does not have for me. I am tired of his phony display of affection. His disregarding my needs as foolishness. All that does is confirms what I believe of him. Especially in knowing that my reward Does not align with my values. I see the continuation of this being dishonoring!

Had I did not sincerely love, Or extended love and care to anyone. I would honestly continue to believe That you loved me, protected me. Because I did, I have a measure. The love I showed to others made me realized You sincerely had no love or care for me. What you will chose to do, no longer has value to me. Through my own actions and love I had for another. I realized that was what enabled me, gave me joy. The way I chose to love them. My action brought contentment, not anything you did. But in contrast whenever I thought of you, My heart overflows with sadness. I remember the abandonment and hurt. The dissolution and destruction your words brought. Not only to our but to my other relationship.

You made me come alive. Brought meaning to my life. Caused the passion that's with in To emerge that I could live. Instead of simply surviving. My days were like fire cracker A lot brighter and cheerer. My troubles seem light as a feather. The slightest thought, of you lifted my mood. I was happier because I loved you. Life was a struggle, but it had no bearing on me, Or what I was doing for at the mere sight of you, My cares would melt and I could feel it too. Even though the years has changed a lot. It did not alter the great love, I had for you. I lost your love, but the memory of you. Lingers on in my heart. That love still lifts me up on tough days It helps me to be happy sometimes.

I wonder what kind of God accepts the sacrifice a man makes of abandoning his wife to care for another, or even to go worship him. Is the stewardship of what he gives us not highly essential? How could one go preaching in the jungle and not provide protection for his family? I am not asking any of these questions because I want an answer. I know that God is the example to follow, and if God ever did anything remotely like this, then all men that have done this is justified. We see men that make extreme sacrifices as being noble. That is if they forsake their family and their life for the sake of doing a noble act for others. However, if a man forsakes his wife for the sake of another woman to give her all that was rightfully the one he forsook, would anyone see such an act as nobleness. Personally, I do not see that as being noble, and I honestly hope that God the father does not either. If a person, that has a wife marries another, that is adultery, and those actions release the o

For the many times, I sat with you Honestly felt that I belong there with you. Never did a solitary unkind thing to you. Only to have gotten excuses, not real care, No valid reasons, you could not be there. When I needed love to be shown to me. The lovely girl you pretended to want. You were no where to be found. Without a doubt it was lust, not love. Trampled on my heart, ripping me apart. Placing me in desperate need to restart. Because I certainly do not want to be last. Only a relationship that would last. One where I would be first, treated with respect.  I do not want anyone that is so inconsiderate. Neither do I want to live with what I regret.

I want to be free. As difficult as that maybe. I want to be free to be me. No longer obligated. I find that to be overrated. I want to be free Not belonging to anybody. After all attachment has done. I simply want to be alone. All can visit with me But at the end of the day You all need to leave. I am not discouraged, Or lacking in courage. I no longer want any To be the reason I couldn’t be true to me.

Father of my sons. I wrote about all of them. Speak I the most of him that I love. Articulated the least of him who hurt me. Say I of him who lived with me, For the longest time, I long for nothing, But to escape the grips of him. Whoever came before or will after me, Say I to you of their relationship with me, Love me least, desire me more, or indefinitely, The result their actions produced Was what revealed their affection to me. Whatever words they uttered did nothing. The things they did was certainly instrumental In revealing their character and fueling my desire. Also resulting in my conclusion of each of them. Although, my impression not encounter stayed, Much longer than their deceit or any of them did.

There was no valid reason for leaving me. As there was not for, the hostility directed at me. I now have so much confusion and doubt About his identity, the person, he claims to be. For his behavior has certainly confused Caused disbelief, anxiety and insecurity To be awaken within me, it is him nothing else. I would never make excuses or second guess That this was ever out of love and not intentional. I am not sure of the events that took place before, That caused him to willfully take vengeance on me. What ever it is, whether his rejection by human beings. Or their past display of love for me, the tables have turned. He has now caused a number of them not to love or accept The person I now am but highly respect and esteem him. I am filled with regret that I ever met or knew him.

Ever cell, fiber part of who I am Love adored and desired you. Long for you to receive me Without stipulation or demands. Wanted you to welcome me Without hesitation, accept me, Just as I am, was at that time. When you did not, I was saddened. In that instant, I decided to leave. I walked alone for an extremely long time. I stopped for a few seconds to wonder. Then continued on my journey in life. To hesitate once again to ponder about you. Know that I would continue without you. My only regret would be if I could not Take you with me to my home in heaven. Other than that I will be just fine on my own.

Building sand castles. One by one they fell. Then I built a fancy one. I was so elated! I long to keep it. As the rain fell That one did too. I felt a little disappointed. Fully realizing that was also temporary. Sand Castle cannot be transformed Into permanent dwellings. With that, I went back to my cabin.

I am not going to break my heart or my own rules. It is enough that he did. It simply means Father was wrong About many things, because that I would not choose to do. Perhaps the point I see as lies were to enable me to heal. Instead it defeated me. Yet, I am trying, To live, keep my honor intact as all has failed me. What did he give to me? It is still true, they all rejected me. Never chosen by him or you. I accept that as a fact One day I hope never to look back. Simply to disconnect from him because he caused me sorrow. And obliterated every thing good and positive. I need to create my own tomorrow. Where I would be first for once.

I know it is true that not I or any earthly being That was worth anything, loved or ever wanted you. If you do not want to be with any of them again. I will support your decision, just not in person. Even, if you now choose to turn away from me. For I gave you every reason not to love me. By behaving exactly as if you were my enemy. After I walked away from you, extending promises That will further devalue you and all you wanted to do. Why would you not be disappointed in heaven? And feel as though you have been left without a home. I took it all away from you, but who would ever believe you. I know that, for you, all this is like pouring salt in your wound. The same as when they gave me vinegar for my thirst, accept it! But sincerely, what actual benefit is there in choosing A desolate forgotten unknown woman, think about that!

People did and do not complete me. I found peace and comfort in the things I did. That was what was with-held, taken. Then I descended to the depths of hell. All I desired, toiled for, stripped away. Never again will I peacefully submit. Subject myself to the mercy of men. My heart now rejects him who holds the key. To him, who had no knowledge, refused me, I forgive. In agony by the King’s choice, I renounce my crown. I long for the strength I had when I was young; My c avalier attitude resulted from, The confidence that I was royal or supreme. For I alone knew my identity, had respect for it. Then singularly chose to say, or do what no one else did. Knows in my heart they all profoundly upset me. That once again it would be up to me, Not to allow any of their folly to defeat me. With that, I will go on trying and hoping that one day, I can stand and say I wish I had known them, but I didn’t.

Only for grief and sorrow you chose me. To give life long love, joy, hope, the best in life, You chose another in the prime of life. As you betrayed and turned your back on me. In your continued deceit, will take advantage of me. As I grieve because of all that was taken. Knowing that humiliation and hurt was given. For in my illness and despair you refused to care. As you wrapped your arms around another; How could I forget how truly cruel you are? IF my spirit, my heart, disappoints me By turning to you again for help, I deserve All the shame, rejection and difficult times I faced. I'd see myself as not having learned and willfully stupid. Even your promises seem worthless. As were your claims that citizenship was a gift. Are you purposefully deceitful or honestly so clueless? For that, came at an enormously high price to me. Because of all this, I abhor you more than you did me. Are you capable of telling or revealing the truth? Desparity Number 2 The imp

Deficient in the ability to express her feelings For she was drowing in emptiness and despair. Not a tear was voluntarily shed. Void of c onsolation and love, The warmth and comfort of her arms Was tightly wrapped around Her own body as her child stood close by With tear drenched face. She was aware, but her own needs Prevented her from comforting him. Her pain had ripped her heart From the cavity in which All her emotions were stored. As she held herself, eyes ahead Could no longer see n ecessity. Any benefit to belonging to anyone. All she knew were the things She experienced, life taught her, She was unloved, on her own. Her child was simply another casualty. One who would now walk alone; In the exact path many had before her.

My thoughts, my previous views were correct. I knew to have been weary of them. It made me realized I was taught truth. Not to develop close relationship with unlovely people. I knew this was not exclusively true of everyone. With time it became evident that it was of these. Those that I chose to love and trust and be apart of. Never again will I do that, trust resident evil. For a moment, I realized then I pushed it from my mind. Now I know, I was wrong, that was what I should have held to. I have no proof or evidence that supports that they ever loved. But now I know how unloving they truly were especially to me.