Conflicted
After I migrated to the United States in my late teen years, the holiday season became very difficult for me. It was not until I had children fourteen years later that the holidays became easier.
One of the joys of having seven children is that their excitement and nonchalant attitude can sometimes be contagious. They find pleasure at times with the most insignificant things. As toddlers they would gravitate more towards the pots and pans than their own toys. As teens and school-aged children they all want the most expensive gadgets but tend to use one and disregard the others. In my family that is truer of the boys than the girls. My children seem to get more enjoyment out of opening their many gifts on Christmas morning than actually playing with them the rest of the year. I later realized, though, that when some children have a large selection of toys this can confuse them. The end result is that it makes it very difficult for them to be able to make a choice. I know this may not be true of all children but it seem to be true of mine. They tend to stick with what they know or gravitate back to a favorite toy. I see the very same problem in regard to them having a huge selection of clothing.
I often find myself saying, “I do not want to see you in that for another month.” In the last few years, I have tried to be unique with our gifts to my children. I would give them more consumable gifts such as perfume and makeup. Like everything else, I still have that one child who tends to hoard things as opposed to finding use out of them.
As the holiday season is quickly approaching, I find myself conflicted. While having one of my daughters locked away in juvenile brought me a moment’s peace, I am somewhat troubled. I am at peace because I know she is safe where she is. I am troubled because it is difficult having a child locked up and I feel she is being left out. It was this child’s behavior, however, that unearthed all these past memories, struggle and my current anxiety concerning the holiday seasons.
I awoke this morning wanting to put my present troubles behind me and wishing that none of this were true. I long for nothing more than peace of mind as opposed to the confusion of my present situation. My childhood holidays in Belize were always very quiet and none cumbersome. Most Christmases we got presents with the exception of one year when our gifts got delayed in the mail. That, however, did not change the day for us. It was still peaceful and festive and that was what I missed when I moved here. It is what having children gave back to me, the joy of family. The traditions we built from sharing with our children became very special to me. It returned to me that feeling of reassurance and security. The memory of how difficult it was to be away from family at this time of year is causing some apprehension concerning my daughter’s situation. It is also the reason my mind is so unsettled about my daughter not being here. I am not at all in denial about our situation. I also know the reason Christmas is celebrated and that I have also had 14 years of the kind of Christmas I now long for. I know that nothing remains constant and that life and situations often change. Well at least when it comes to my life and situations that is how it has been.
One of the joys of having seven children is that their excitement and nonchalant attitude can sometimes be contagious. They find pleasure at times with the most insignificant things. As toddlers they would gravitate more towards the pots and pans than their own toys. As teens and school-aged children they all want the most expensive gadgets but tend to use one and disregard the others. In my family that is truer of the boys than the girls. My children seem to get more enjoyment out of opening their many gifts on Christmas morning than actually playing with them the rest of the year. I later realized, though, that when some children have a large selection of toys this can confuse them. The end result is that it makes it very difficult for them to be able to make a choice. I know this may not be true of all children but it seem to be true of mine. They tend to stick with what they know or gravitate back to a favorite toy. I see the very same problem in regard to them having a huge selection of clothing.
I often find myself saying, “I do not want to see you in that for another month.” In the last few years, I have tried to be unique with our gifts to my children. I would give them more consumable gifts such as perfume and makeup. Like everything else, I still have that one child who tends to hoard things as opposed to finding use out of them.
As the holiday season is quickly approaching, I find myself conflicted. While having one of my daughters locked away in juvenile brought me a moment’s peace, I am somewhat troubled. I am at peace because I know she is safe where she is. I am troubled because it is difficult having a child locked up and I feel she is being left out. It was this child’s behavior, however, that unearthed all these past memories, struggle and my current anxiety concerning the holiday seasons.
I awoke this morning wanting to put my present troubles behind me and wishing that none of this were true. I long for nothing more than peace of mind as opposed to the confusion of my present situation. My childhood holidays in Belize were always very quiet and none cumbersome. Most Christmases we got presents with the exception of one year when our gifts got delayed in the mail. That, however, did not change the day for us. It was still peaceful and festive and that was what I missed when I moved here. It is what having children gave back to me, the joy of family. The traditions we built from sharing with our children became very special to me. It returned to me that feeling of reassurance and security. The memory of how difficult it was to be away from family at this time of year is causing some apprehension concerning my daughter’s situation. It is also the reason my mind is so unsettled about my daughter not being here. I am not at all in denial about our situation. I also know the reason Christmas is celebrated and that I have also had 14 years of the kind of Christmas I now long for. I know that nothing remains constant and that life and situations often change. Well at least when it comes to my life and situations that is how it has been.
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