Rah Times

I would honestly do The impossible for you. For I'd rather you'd be happy., Than believe I do not care about you. I’ll give my time, share with you. Sit, walk, talk, if you want me to. Even if it interrupts my plans For you are my number one. White sandy beaches, all that I love. Chocolate covered candy or another. Could not make me happy, If you believe, I do not care about you.

I lost my life To an apparent liar. A cheater stole all That was mine. Not because of her But what he did. She can keep it Not only for now But for all eternity. I wish to remember But not to have regrets For all this resulted In a difficulty life for me. Hurtful, and humiliating events scared; sucked joy, The actions of the one that was to love and protect me. I ask myself several times how could I return. Would I have lost my mind, memory of the devastation? I listen weekly to all these fool as they extol him. Their example, if only they knew, I pity and resent them, as well. It was all him, he used his spirt to bring about all of this. How could I claim that it was me, he loved? That would be rather stupid of me!

I wish to be in a place Where I can live in peace. I’d relax and not remember All that afflicted me. My mind would then be content, For I would have been removed From the hypocrite, I reside with is extremely rude. Nothing more than the devil’s tool, That fool destroyed all that meant the world to me. How could my light ever be seen, when I am like this? Nothing but mere agony I feel consistently. Even those, who were to protect me has taken leave. I question myself, I wonder, why I would forget. Or return when I asked for assistance. Instead of helping, all simply ignored me.

Don’t want to let her go. I will not make excuses Or hurt her anymore. I will show her that I’ll never leave. Even though, initially I did, Now, I know that she was all I wanted. I see her in the starlight. As I lay awake in bed at night. In all I chose to do, I think of her. I hear her crying and calling out to me. In my longings and broken dreams. I know she was all that I wanted. The starlight, streetlight None can out shine or be as bright As the one I miss at night. I need to see her, tell her Everything will be alright. I want her back in my life. For she was all I ever wanted.

I exited the stage, the platform of life. I had followed my dreams, learned a few things. I did what I loved most as opposed to the logical things. An excellent performance both on and off stage. That was me, just not who I finally became. I lost myself in my craft and in my needs and desires. First for my sake, then for my audience. I found myself trapped by what I thought, I wanted. Much too late, I realize there was not anything I could do. The show was still on, the program still airing. Many came to see, but my most desired. I was sorely disappointed, once an attractive woman, I lost my edge. I stepped in the hallway feeling unsure, insecure but knew; My mind was saying I placed emphasis on the wrong things. As exhilarating as being on stage was that also had become unsatisfying.

I looked back, Found all I wanted. It was behind, in front, waiting. Still only a dream, my vision My fantasy of who I thought he was. Sorrow stared me in the face but once. Happiness, I saw from a distance. Could not convince any to take my hand. I stood alone with my emotions on display. Before everyone, there, I was, but not a single person Understood that, this was my reality, an aged woman. Still waiting for that one man to save her from her folly.

I dreamed of touring Paris. Walk hand in hand, there with you. Smile as I give my time to you. And lie in ever continent next to you. While I am still young and beautiful. It was never my desire To ever give up on you, But to share my life with you, While I have not visited Paris yet I want to, while I am still young and beautiful. I am aware of all my regrets. My aspiration also I cannot forget. Even my wish to visit Paris, with you. To wake up and find all these things are true. While I am still young and beautiful. I am the face behind all the stories. Yet, I’m still hoping, the day will come, When I can say my dreams came through While was still young and beautiful. And I got to spend my days with you.

Though I met her a long time ago, I do not know her any more. At that time, I was fond of her. But now, I truly do not know her. A pretty girl midnight cries. Is unheard in a quiet night. Does not stir even a single guy. As though, she is voiceless. Not truly interested in her. Her cries are meaningless. Even with her many appeals He remains motionless. At times, a man’s choice Is driven by concern, But where there is no love, He remains motionless.

Obvious concerns for my not attending church meetings. Certainly none shown for my wellbeing or situation. They wear scales upon their eyes and fail to see God. They lift up their voices for heaven to hear them, Without realizing who sits and walks along, besides them. What need I say, need I do, why bother to tell them? These pitiful creatures do not know how to love, Or can they recognize heaven, such a shame. I listen to them daily as they declare, their love for me. Then in my very face, they bury it, as if to scoff at me. How terribly obvious, no need to be obnoxious or create a fuss. Who wants outward gratitude, when in ward there is none for me? So I go about my father’s business, I learn, and I glean. The entire time, I certainly can see that these creatures are selfish. Very much aware nothing would change, if I did share heaven with them.

Come sit on the dock by the sea with me. We can let out feet dangle, As the swell of the ocean waves Splashes high enough that it soaks, Not just our feet, but both of us completely. Please allow me to rest my head on your chest. I long for all my sorrow, to be stripped from my broken heart; Also for the ease and compassion of a pleasant, kind person. Thought I met one like that, but I was quite mistaken. Hope I never to make such an error again, it was far too costly. I love the warmth of the sunlight as much as a welcoming spirit. Wish I knew one that exude both and to get to know him. As the willow trees hang and dangle low, so does my soul. My desire is to meet a caring person, in order to be uplifted. Currently that is my only goal and to wait for what comes after.

My desire is to live near a beach Where seagulls are plentiful The smell of the salt air, Windy breeze daily hits my face. My spirit is revitalized as I sniff the ocean contents. Such would be paradise and the perfect place To unwind, live out my life after my challenges are complete. I long for only the rippling noise of the wind Or other sounds of nature stirrings. Such is my idea of an ideal place and is now beckoning. For I started life in a similar community. Not that I long to return to my exact origin, But to somewhere that have that sort of tone to it.

I am too young for you, But know for sure I would not forget you. I think and reminisce of All you say and do; While knowing in my heart. That, I am far too young. To be thinking about you. I remembered how kind and concerned You were, but even then I knew As much as I wanted to, A love affair between us would not work; Although anything I ask of you, you do, I knew, I was way too young for you. I am too young for you Still I could see and know That if I weren’t, I’d place you first. But even I know it was true; That I was simply too young. To be thinking, reminiscing, Wanting to spend time with only you.

He said, later! We’d be together, After he’s finished, With his chosen wife; Is all old and grey, Muscle soft and shrinking. After I accomplish a few things, Is sorrowful and muddled up in my thinking. Then he’d look my way. Until then, no need to see or hear from me. Whatever it is, I need handle it alone. At the moment, I am simply an inconvenience. Once the world gets to know me, Then he and I can be together, Because then I would be worth having.

I’ve been talking to the wrong person And although that was true. I chose to continue to share my fears and beliefs. Because I still loved in the face of unbelief. I’ve been talking to the wrong person While deep down in my soul, I knew it. But I kept hoping, for I wanted him to be The right person, and chose to stand with me. I’ve been talking to the wrong person. Sharing all my secret and griefs. Even after, I could see, He was not the one Who loved and cared for me, I kept talking to him. For as my heartached, I thought that some how, He'd listen and try to help me out, but not now. I've been talking to the wrong person. I have no doubt, I blew it, but kept talking And talking, I knew it and did it any how.

I do not know which of us is capable of living in constant bombardment; neither do I know of anyone that would consider a person who turns a blind eye to one’s sufferings as being a lover of them. There was a time when I was deceived by men’s flirtatious acts towards me, but soon came to realize that flirtation was not love. As I slowly fell apart from the situations I constantly found myself in and reached out to them for help, and as individuals ignored me, the truth became crystal clear. As I cry out to my God, He listened, but ignored me, I knew neither was I his priority. It grieved me, not them, for words can never impart the extent of my suffering to anyone. I keep asking myself, how I can ever find it in my heart to forgive. If my days ever changes how could I forget my own pain and sufferings. How could I forget that as I asked, all they did was ignored and turn a blind eye. Have I not learned from all I suffered? What kind of love or beauty is there to be found in any of

I’ve seen and read about my son. There was no mention of his father. Reflecting on his light colored eyes, The identity of his father remains a mystery to me. As I consider the swells that surge within my chest, And the overwhelming grief rejection brought to me, Even more so, I am confused as to his father's identity Who will I forgive, welcome back in my life? I’m afraid it is not the one that I was told was Father. Suddenly; I grasp his lack of care for me, his unwillingness. My pride, my hurt which would prevent me from now choosing him. But how could I after he has displayed such disregard for me? He prefers to hear of my destruction than extend a hand to me. Gladly I would lick my wounds than embrace him as a possibility. Considering, what I have stood for, would I again sacrifice myself. Yet, I fear that I must, for there is another, I despise even more than he.

My son officially became an eagle scout yesterday. My hope for him is that he may continue to be a leader among his peers.

When I looked at you, You appeared the way I thought you were to me. Perfect! I watched you, As you smiled While you talked with me, And I thought, how perfect! As you walked within my view, I saw how graceful you were. Then, I also thought, you were perfect. The one I wish I could rescue, Came to rescue me. Clarifying what I knew, your love Could never be more perfect.

Jerusalem has stumbled! The angel, not the City has fallen, After being subjected to bombardment. She lays scattered among the ashes. Who can pick her up, glue her together? There is not one, none can gather her. Jerusalem is now totally abandoned! What did she do? She has come undone. Along with her beliefs and point of views. Where and what is her concerns? Where is her pride, is she not an angel? What is she so afraid and ashamed of? Certainly could not be his actions, But hers that took her to that place. Not him, but her that's now being evaluated. Get up righteous angel and leave us alone. Or have you not learned, we live by our own rules. What need we do to show you? Heaven or earth does not care for or about you.

It is all within me, Inside every little girl on this planet. The fairy tale love affair. I hold my breath afraid if I exhale, I would let go of my dream, with that I keep it in. I do not want to lose the love; I wish I had with you. All I wanted to know was the comfort That should have come from being with you. Not any other tale, I’m afraid to exhale. I want to freely breathe. For life to be much easier each day. To get to expression my passion. And not be afraid to exhale. I want to hold you, be with you for always. Right now, that is only my longings. As, I lie in bed at night not knowing if we are alright. Wish I knew the precise moment When my fairy tale love would no longer be a dream.

My tired aging frame shrunk. My fatigue spirit long for another. Maintained high hopes that The body in which it dwells Would hold on as though still capable. Nature and age fights against me. I remain sure but uncertain in the silence. I cast my mind to another, for he remains Near to my heart and as far from me as one could be. I envisioned our son as he closed his tired eyes. Peacefully he rest, I wish to be there at that moment. For my now are far more painful than any other times. Though I have struggled through a few, that one was a relief. I could not have imagined that for it did not occur to me, I needed to rest not to create a figment of triumph, for soon that moment will be.

I like sunny days, People with warmth, And welcoming ways, But this does not mean I cannot dwell with the Inconsiderate and unkind as well, For even though some have Grieved and discouraged me, Many more have encouraged Continously sheltered protected Helped to guide, impart wisdom, As difficult as life can sometimes be. Their love, willingness to support Understand and come along side, Are the things that has strengthen, Enabled me to see the beauty in humanity.

I was so struck. I never forgot! How could I? I knew passion. It was the fulfillment That triggered my heart. My thoughts to react as though I won. I held a precious diamond medallion. Word can never explain, or express, My mind could never have imagined this. It was the contentment I knew Felt when it graced my presence. I smiled and lifted my head with the hopes That this was truly mine, my heart reacted, By leaping with my chest, pounded for joy, All when infront of the beauty that was you. As I extend my hand, I offered myself. My soul rested, not anything Could tamper with what I had in you. Neither could it be duplicated or repeated. A blessing, worth holding unto. Money or fame could have never bestow this. Dare I let go of my once in a life time love? Who or what could drive me to throw this away? I in return held ever so closely to my once in a life time love.

I never loved her like There was no other girl Or saw only her when I closed My eyes to sleep at night. It was not her, but now it is. I write, for I've got a new delight. Doing for the one, I did not think of Never knew, until she touched me somehow. As I sat watching the starry sky The moonlight as it’s filled the night. It was not her that I wanted To fill my heart with but midnight dances. As I embraced life, it was not her I was thinking of. As I closed my eyes I allowed music Sweet melody to fill my life. To bring peace and prosperity to satisfy me For never before had anyone moved me, only the music.

You can say you care for me, Often say a prayer for me But if you are not there When I need for you to be, Then, why would I believe it? Once upon a time I was convinced of it. Believed your friendliness proved it. Now it seems that was not true for your love, Did not carry, wiped my tear stained cheeks. But simply walked way when I needed it. As I once extended my hands to you From my point of view, I was refused Even though, I knew you never knew. What I was explaining or trying to do. I still felt sure you would have taken it. I’m realizing it was not you, But all I felt and wanted of you. I still desire to see love in one person To know that it still exists. In one true hero, in this day and age.

Heaven should be divided. My chosen children were inflicted. Because my cries were ignored. Yes, there should be a gorge So deep and wide separating us. He claims lack of understanding. That is totally not true. Mankind fails to comprehend Know how selfish, he truly is. I know the truth, which I could say For you to one day know it too. But I do not desire to take your hope, Or discourage all those who sincerely believe That he is all you consider him to be., With that, I grieve and protect him for your sake.

It is not easy being or comprehending me. The level of difficulty doubles upon realizing my gallant nature. Often, does not benefit but has repeatedly only hurt me. So were my acts noble or were they all error. After all, I'll receive no reward, only trouble and suffering. Is there anyone who has benefited from such actions? I feel like a fool, at times, for doing what’s just. Knowing that my action only place me under attack. It would have been easier to have quietly faded into the night Instead, I had to stand up and fight for someone else. I am simply tired of wrong prevailing and being taken advantage of. So I will struggle with my bruised ego and have no peace after acting justly.

I thought I was loved by you. Until I said, help me out! Then I knew without a doubt. Your love was not real. Realized I never knew you. Thought very highly of you. In my head, you would have dried The tears of a crying child. Lift them up after they'd fallen down. But I did not know that I was wrong As my life came crashing down. And I needed a kind hand, Someone with whom I could stand. Instead, of a picking me up, silence was all I got. Why did I see what I saw in you? Why did I place my trust in you? Thought for sure you were the kind one, But all along I was dead wrong Now I know that was my misperception

Look past my mistakes. For my greatest desire Would be realized Or crushed, if you don’t. There is more, a vision, a goal, To accomplish, do on my own, If you can look beyond my errors. I shudder when I consider my wrong. Know I would not stand a chance, If I were my own judge. I am appealing to you, to extend to me More than I would to myself. I also know that I cannot say or ask This of you, for by your standards, I failed. Yet my desire is that you maybe merciful to me. Give me a chance to prove, I am capable.

Every new day is like the opening of a new flower. A chance to reshape, emerge as a new beauty. To embrace all that was placed to sculpt me, into me. From the laughing innocent child I once was. To the adult who sorrow transformed. All was to give new sight Even, the sky, sunshine differently. Mountains that stood before me. No longer appears as obstacles. But more like training ground, Placed to enhancing the beauty That, at times, is trapped deep with me. To reveal a unique side of me, Where the tears that flows Are for joy not to defeat. As I view the world differently. I anticipate ever new glorious day. See a budding flower in a whole new way.

Surrounded by all that delights. Produce beauty, pleasant reflection. The sound of laughter, welcoming arms Comfort, tender strokes, rest not tiredness. A voice filled with reassuring words Those that soothes, genuinely uplifts. What could then over take or hinder? With love, support, honesty, genuine belief? What could consume or bother? Who would not be content and calm? If they were free and not imprisoned, Constantly falling into another dilemma. Held tenderly by a considerate person's arms. I’ve seen plenty in this life to recognize care. Genuine love, a liar’s charm, an honest petition. I long to walk alone, to be assured, that while I advance In life, in age, my acquaintance, friends, spouse, Would sincerely love, be on a similar path as me. Do not want to carry any memory of scars or hurt. Desire to bare myself of all that denied and did not embrace. Wish to be at peace wherever I maybe, alone or with another.

I wrestled with a sea of emotions. At times they are soothing waves Splashing gently but consistently. Producing a massage like effect. Then like a ruthless storm, at times, They batter all within reach. Bring both enemy and friends to their knees. During moment of calm, I survey consequence. The vegetation that encircled. Appears barren like a desert land. Maroon by my own doings, I lament. How could I have inflicted those that I loved? How could they have pierced me?

It is of the City, he writes and speaks. It is of the city for the angel he did not intend to keep. The City he destroyed, but resurrected time and time again. The angel, he rejects and inflicts throughout her existence. The City kept its name, removed hers and every trace of her. The city he restored, the angel made desolate and hopeless. The city he loved, not so for the angel, for her he hated. Lashing out and humiliating her for he intended to rid himself of her. The whore he chose, he adorned and loved her score more. Gave her a home all that the world offered and so much more. Pledge his love and vowed to her, as daily he stands along side her. For the angel remains in the ruins he tossed her in from the beginning. As most of the world now stand by the King and sing alleluia. Who knew, cares, wants anything more than to use and banish her.

It’s hard loving another. After feeling completed by him. It's hard getting another. After loving only him. My boyfriend, my heart beats and aches for him. As he walked away, my heart ached. It grieved, felt hurt, destroyed. For I was so in love with him My boy friend, my heart beats and aches for him. It’s hard giving up on him. It is not me, but my heart, That refuses to turn away from him. It beats and aches for only him. My boyfriend, my heart beats and aches for him. It hard, for my love started and was all for him. My boyfriend, my heart beats and aches for him.

It’s me; it’s me, that’s reaching out. For I longed to know you. Am he, am he that went to see. Saw all you were dealing with. I wanted to help and assist you. It’s me; it’s me that’s calling out to you. I saw your agony and it distressed me. Am he, am he that will return to you. Although, I failed to intervene. I will not allow another to harm you. It’s me; it’s me that saw your beauty. The reason I was so attracted to you. Am he, am he that was in awe of it. Me who desire to love and protect you. As I sincerely always wish I had.

A new day, another opportunity To accomplish, do things differently. What yesterday did not bring about. Today is another chance. I’ve learned new things, keep trying, reaching. Gives hope when yesterday’s behind me. Equip me with new ideas and knowledge. Every new day, tomorrows carries chances. Those that might have disappointed or failed me, Can reside along with all other missed prospects. For tomorrow might be kinder, gentler. Love and give to me all that yesterdays didn’t.

Felt like I needed something From someone. Yet, believing that nobody had it. That it would take me to provide it. I keep doing, trying to get it for me. World is crashing around me. My beliefs are not in line With what life had been showing me. My destiny was colliding Instead of embracing me. Life has become a battle ground. I keep reaching up but falling down. I’ve been trying to attain minor things. While my battle rages on. Wish someone would believe in me. If I knew what the day would bring, I would be secure about everything. But not even I understand my fight, Or can say for certain it will be alright. So I keep on trying and fighting.

I feel like I am back in the fields working for nothing. With all my ups and downs And getting now where, I’m believing, I’d be better off With a few dollars in my pocket. I’ve been working on my songs for the longest time. Instead of making, I’ve been losing money. Still I’m hoping I would be successful. Chorus Just me and my guitar, in a smoky bar. And they are all too drunk to listen. Perhaps I need to get back to the ranch Where the cows moos to my composing. For in this big town, I’m getting nowhere. With all the noise they cannot hear, Nor are they aware, if the smoke is from cigarettes Or from all my heavy strumming. I know Cousin Joe came here and sang the blues. He made it too, had an album and sold a few. Whatever, he did, it’s just not working out for me. Hand clapping, butt slapping, still it is not happening. I have the right music but singing to the wrong people. Need I go back to the ranch or somewhere else, Where my country songs would reach my a

Who they call noble and good Hide the ugly truth. People do not go around Casting blame or devils Out of those kind of people. Best keep your mouth shut! Do not go telling stories of men The community chose as leaders. Those men sins are buried. At times behind closed doors. Or they are what are called skeletons. Which are kept in closets, not seen in public. Decent girls do not go telling tales. Neither do they speak freely or do as they wish. They accept the fate life’s cast to them Know what their beliefs and faith says. All will be forgiven so there would be A minute chance that they will get justice. A better chance of acquiring quiet restitution. Good will continued to be view the same. Especially if there are lots of money behind it. May as well stand in line and acquire some. For there is no honor in publicly claiming violation. Society highly regards wealth and position, Not irreverent claims against a highly esteemed person.

Why would a heavenly creature walk away from his angelic wife? Why would an earthly man not stand up and support his wife? Why would her mother condemn her noble interventions? Why would her admirer not take a minute to listen? Why would those who never knew admire, yet disregard her? Why would her heavenly and earthly father refused to assist her? That her children would choose to dishonor and grieves her, is mind-boggling? What is it that plague Zion’s daughter, was she ever loved by anyone?

Bombarded by life’s hurdles, I found myself repressed by it. As if undisciplined my mind was plagued by it. Reminiscing repeated about let downs and disappointments. Moments that disgraced only intensified my predicament. I had not a single memory of encouragement. All appeared as if they were given specifically to defeat me. Now trapped in my memory, after lacking resolve. They are as effective as they were when they buried me. As my situation changed, the level of difficulty remained. Yet, I cannot accept that, even if, it were my selected destiny. Though the never ending wheel of challenges and strife encircled. I persistently pursued that which would give triumphant to me. If defeat was the legacy that God the father chose to hand to me. The balance was horribly uneven, as clearly displayed by the strife, He failed to lift or take away from me, even after I asked. To do for and by myself was the only good it created within me. For it was evident that God had refused

I’ll never go back with all his denial. He broke my heart but convinced me! His charming smile was as deceitful As the wink of his eye With that, he tried to say, he loved me. I maybe a fool for love, just not one in love That’s not how my mother raised me. I want better than that, for I am a woman Who wants to be loved not trapped. He made the bottle his best friend Along with a woman that tolerated him. They sing together while he was filled with liquor. I cried because he hurt me, but knew, He was not good to or for me. Now I’m fighting back by staying on track For I know that is better for me. There is no loving that’s worth my grieving I need one that would cherish me, Not simply any that claims to want me.

Leave I, you to suffer? Who and what inflicted you? Was it not what you chose? My actions chase you into the arm of those! Rules and instructions laid by you. Marry not a man, who wed another. Take not on, what belongs to another. It was your laws that convinced me to take him! The things you showered your mind with. Those held you captive, became your torturer. Convinced you that by those things, you suffered. Felt you the pain as were the conditioning of your mind. The agony of hiding my uniqueness. Living among the clueless, the way they respond The ignorance of my task versus my true husband. Then having to stick with it for their sake, When I was in anguish from being separated from my partner. Yet, say you to me, it’s my mind. Are you, or were you ever mine? The things, you say, the way you speak. It was those things that pierced me a lot more than any of these. Made it appears as though truth lies in their beliefs. That the reality of our existence is

I gasp for air. For I was stricken! I was having a panic attack! Terrified that if I failed, I would destroy the innocent; Along with all those In the vicinity of my vocal range. For the furnace, that boiled within me. Was not profound, but toxic. Yet, as I spared them, I damaged me. What need I do, avoid them or save my flesh? Need I sacrifice myself, forgive, continue Or take on a different view? One where I gained the kind of insight That would then deliver all of us! And the latter was what I choose. I chose the truth and to understand.

As we journey through life together Never let it be said of me That I spoke an ill word of you. Forgot that you were worthy. Was hostile and did not extend Greetings or a welcoming smile. Let not my youth be to blame For the errors that I have made. I would much prefer if, in the end, It were recorded that I was a faithful, Loving, warm, ever welcoming friend. Not one that disappointed you During your most difficult of days, But the one that stood next to you, Sat and comforted you, for always. Let it be said of me, that I showed loved you. Remember some has unknowingly entertained angels. Always choose to be one of those.

Caught in a push and pull relationship I feel it was going to break me. At first it walked away from me. Then made me happy, as though it cared for me. A second time it left me, greatly hurting me. Here we go again. Wishing this would end. Be my lover or a true friend But stop hurting me over and over again. I know I was the one that needed you. Prayed on bended knees for you. But I was not what you wanted. For as beautiful as I was, I was not enough. Making this rough and tough for me. So here we go again. Wishing this would end. Be my lover or a true friend But stop hurting me, over and over again. A push and pull lover never stay But breaks your heart in every way There is nothing one can do or say Other than staying away from that Kind of inconsistent loving.

Is it possible to be blinded by sight? I would not convince myself of anything. Not after I’ve come to realize the folly of What I believed and placed my faith in. I trusted blindly, some that deceived me. How could I, one of such intelligence, Fall for what I wanted, instead of what I was seeing? Why did I ignored what honestly happened? Perhaps the mystery is the relationship Between the eyes and mind? One was clearly playing tricks on me. I convinced myself that this could not be. Later, I went on to think that I did not see. Oh my foolish state of mind, you blinded me.

The girl that naively sat with you. Now sees another side of you. Is unsure of what to do. After foolishly falling for you. She questions her own heart. How could she have loved you more? How could I love you more? Cannot get you out my head. Think of you, as I lie in bed. Found myself doing that more and more. Wondering, How could I have loved you so? Does not matter what you did or said. She cannot get you out of her head. Knows she did not want to let you go. For it was you, she loved and adored. And still do not know. How she could love you anymore.

Feels like I’ve been rough housing. Been though a knock down crisis. But I am not giving up, no way! Life just needs to turn around. I plan on changing it in some way. I am not giving up. Simply express it. I’ll do, not just for you, But so others can also say, Hold on, don't give up Change is on the way. In life we build and fight. In many different ways. Hold on, a miracle will be here one day. Does not matter what they say. Diagnosis, do not be afraid to say. Just keep looking to another day. Even if it is only your smiling face. Please never let that fade away. Place you fight and strength on display If not with your body, then with your spirit. That can live on in many different ways.

I came here for you. I will do what I have to, Patch up shattered dreams. If it means that I would be The one standing next to you. No more building up defenses. No more selfish indulgences. Simply doing what I need to. For I know if I mend your dreams. That mine would also come through. Should have told you. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. That my heart beats and aches for you. It’s true; I wanted to spend my life. Give all my days and time to you. Now that my days are almost over. I realized I wasted it with my lies. Denying what was true, like a fool. I didn’t even know that I hurt you. But now I know life would have been A lot better holding and loving you.

Joyous anticipation to see my beloved. My mountainous apprehension of his responses. Keep me fixated on his past actions. Wish for the world to know his virtues. Not the terrible mistake he made. The reason I loved and selected him. The elation that the sight of my beloved brought. Makes the sadness that fills my heart incomprehensible. My muscle aches under the duress, my heart’s string heavy. Yet, he remains an alien concept buried beneath my troubles. Again my decision remains the same, as does my affection. Need I turn away or continue to look towards him? Should I choose to do, what he did to me, hurt him and me? Do I even possess the strength, the capability to forgive, Nerves of steal, to disregard my own ego, to walk along side him?

Unlike a servant, but a slave I was adorned with humiliation. Left to labor from cradle until my grave. Protection became a foreign concept. Abandonment my hallmark and endowment. But a rare, delightful butterfly, I emerged. Colorless moth, the portrait of my life, accomplished little, I was not chosen to fly. It matter not how hard I worked or tried. I was not reward, received harsh words and indifference. Merciless punishment became my only payment. My name and position taken and awarded to another. I was cursed, as I requested help, treated unlike others. I did realized, I had better be still, not ask any more. With that state of mind, I lost my beauty and my smile. Soon I had even fewer support, no one to walk beside me. My family did not know, recognized or requested me. My Father did not comfort, keep his words, but turned away from me. Claimed that he appointed others to watch over me. Human beings! All took advantage, raped and did not do right by me. How co

The crushing of grapes produces new wine. Prolonged trampling of my spirit, despair and loss. The lasting effects of this will be felt by many. Not just for weeks but for an indefinite period. My soul agonizes for they had made tremendous progress. And yet, God and men chose to repeat this offense again. As I stare in the faces of the ones that inflicted me. I grieved and mourn because of whom gave rise to it. Not a victory for the appointed, but the one who seem superior. For the generation that’s to come, I must put an end to this. I want for discrimination to be condemned and not repeated again. Wish I was aware; I would have fought not stood still. I would have chosen to die not spear my own skin. For my children, I now live but pass unto them this legacy; Of shame and affliction by men, even though, undeserving. My soul weeps, it sorrows, why did they selfishly allowed this.

I gaze into her eyes. Not to see her vision But to take hold of mine. Her misty eyes were cloudy. Unclear because of all her tears. Was it sadness? Why, I love her! Selflessly tried to hold unto My longing, cravings Not considering her dreams. Neither did I care to know, What it was, she desired. My ruthlessness wounded The one I loved until I lost her. Oh the wrath that arose within me. How could she refuse me! Not understand that it was her. I lay with my others, my mistake! She avoided my stare, to her I appeared cold, not as her lover, More like the one that betrayed her. She did not walk upright but staggered away. Severely wounded by my intensions.

Landing a lot harder than expected. She sprang back up, observing the shock. Unsure if it had been a few days. If it were the many way she had been Disappointed or simply dreaming Of how things should and could have been. Yet, determined to keep things going. She devised another plan of action. Knowing fully well, he would block her again. It was a difference in opinion, perspective. Her claims, his explanation, he walked away from her. Does not support her claims, neither did his money. A life time of betrayal, lies and denial by him. He believes it was only momentarily. Yet, she had only briefly sat next to him. No consideration of what came before or after. Her less than smooth landing, her journey. Her position adjacent to him was never considered. The impact his choice and action had on her. It became a lot more relevant that she achieves Not for him to love or assisted her. That she never wanted. Only what she strove for, wish to accomplish. He was neither s

She came, she cried, partly revealed Herself before saying, her last goodbyes. Her beauty had faded. She was now angry. Her warm and laughter was now buried. No longer delightful, but broken and crushed. Her trodden spirit endured too much. Many stormy days, lack of care. Wanting the respect she believed She earned but will not be shown. She tried, but discouragement came upon her. Her silky smooth skin and charm was gone. Her virtues were now passed on to her son. No one sheltered her, but now she does him. Her efforts, sacrifices, and labor were of no value. To her master, the one she trusted for it was he who sent her. She thought, she was deserving at least of love and respect. To her no care or recognition was displayed or given. Realized, he had showered all, to benefit himself Mainly those that surrounds him. She walked away, Only after she discovered that he had before her. With that, her cries were ignored, payment with held. Her efforts obstructed, and sh

He honored a p romiscuous woman ! His wife, the holy one, he condemned. Says, he will not do that again. What does it matter? Were 30 years not enough? Spent a life time alone contemplating. How could I ever trust such a one again? Who did he sincerely love, The woman, he blessed spent his days with, Or the one he threw out to the wolves? Which actions displayed love, And which one was a demonstration of hate? If my heart, he or anyone else says differently, Then they all deceive them self and me as well.

It is not what we’ve been through. You and I have not experienced anything together. There was never any we, but you and I was least. I pleaded to you, and you ignored me. That’s the extent of our interaction. Why would I credit you with the things I achieved? When it comes to me, those things do not come from you. It is not I that left you but you deserted me. Then placed the blame on me. Literally tried to turn the tables on me. Then attempted to deceive me. To protect your life. I alone know the truth. You are still in control. Hindering me from revealing the truth, Keeping me imprisoned, from my heart desire. Why would I later care for such a selfish creature? Yes, you add to me, only that which is humiliating. All you have done so far is brought hurt to me. And as to your plans that are to glorify you self not me.

Who does not prefer what they can relate to, But how can any being totally empathize, With what they cannot understand or identify with? The things other suffered or been through, If I struggle with connecting or knowing about it, How could I honestly give comfort or do for them? Hence getting involved was highly beneficial. For experiencing first hand gives vision and enlightens thoroughly. Like medicine is healing to a sick body. Support and encouragement does the same for troubled minds. There is simply not enough life time for only one to see all the suffering. That is the reason, involvement of others was immensely pertinent. The Lord did not walk by himself, neither did he do it all alone.

Reasons do not eliminate effects. Does not carry or compliment me. Does not take away, what was done to me. It simply demonstrates your disregard. While I was left alone it was not along side me. Did not accompany, comfort, and delight, Or bestow honor and peace of mind to me. It told me your objective was number one. Far more valuable than your consideration. That you were never momentarily mindful Cared how your actions would impact. That you are incapable of loving completely. Signifies that your choices are motivated selfishly. It is a reality, that I carry the effects Of what, your mindless choosing brought.

You do not know me! Even I have forgotten. The woman, I was. Although, I do remember her. Realize that we did not belong together. We met as strangers then parted With me wishing that we did not meet. Affirming that we should never be. Wish there was some just for me. One who would not be afraid, Or ashamed and free to love me. Wish there was someone other than him. One who would be willing to dance cheek to cheek Only with me, not as friends, But as my one and only true lover. That when the night fades We would stand together, not with any other; But so that when the curtain closes, My heart would have known joy. Long before I close my eyes and fall asleep.

On this particular day, it would seem as though, I am more vain than wise. That was not the case though. I had just gotten back home from an appointment with one of my daughters. My husband was not waiting around for me to change my attire with that I went along the group just as I was. We are cutting thorns and branches to build a trail at a camp owned by the YMCA and services mainly low income families. This is actually my son's eagle project. I wanted to be there because I was there from the moment he requested permission to do this, to selecting where the path would be built. So I look a little vain in my Skorts, high heel and sun glasses, but I was not going to miss out on any part of this. It is not the clothing that is ever important but being there and seeing him through.

Thinking about you. Taking a trip Down memory lane Wishing all is well with you. I wish I could sit If only for a minute Next to you, for There is nothing I’d rather do, Than to spend my time with you. The slow melody Of a jazz band A dance with my lady, Or just listening to the blues. Would make such a difference If I got to share that with you. Wish to walk, hand in hand With the only one, I ever loved. For there is not anything I would rather do, but spend Quality time, alone with you. For now, I'm just thinking of you.

I carried him. His tiny fingers, I kissed many times. I can feel them slipping, From my heart and mind. He is safe, he should remain Up in heaven, where he belongs. I can feel that it will not be he, But my attaining my desire That would restore joy to me. I know it is far fetched but true. I could not afford what I wanted to do. Just my thoughts that maybe, I will. Tucked far away from everyone. But I have never been so blessed. I know that would be best for me. For it is what I wanted above all other. Not to partner with anyone or have a family. I tried it, and it confirmed that it was not for me.

I realized he mostly revealed lies. His momentarily is more than fifty years Too much for me to get through. Yet, I battled to finish successfully. I understand his reasons, his rejections. For hiding me from the world. Perhaps they would have loved, if they knew. The point is, he did not intend that for me. He trashed my spirit to honor her. I was an example of how far he willingly chose To go, to do for her, showered her with love While hating me a million times more, I sorrow. Why would someone as independent as he, Honor and bless someone as rotten as she. No one does that sake for the object of their desire. Yet, she remains unaware, does not even appreciate it. While day after day, I am cognizant of his actions. I weeping uncontrolably and begged for mercy. He heard, just does not desire only despise and hates me. He trampled my soul, denied me quiet and opportunity. Although, it is not written, gave me nothing more than Grief, empty promises and fear of faci

Because he left me drained Of my exact identity, I will remove the scales Give sight to the blind. If the curious wants to know I will serve him up on a platter. Life has been extremely rough, I have been abandoned and afflicted Mostly by the masters own hands, Which goes to his true character. This may cause me to seem As a despised scorned woman. I am all that and so much more. I can bear you up or cause The entire world to mourn. I blame him and you, although, You do not know me, for I always was hidden, While supremely he ruled. Gave himself a feast while I hungered. Had he not lashed out at me, Not wanting to disrupt his life for me. Turned his back, not caring as I weep. I would have quietly lived and departed. I cried to the Shepard, I reached out to the wolves, Not even them wanted to ravish or rescue me. None desired me other than the one who held me captive. He was a lot milder and not as cruel as the creator.

Do not let it be said, That this was for me. Despite all you read, All of it crushed me. He is not a reward, But the destroyer of me. I did not know the joy Of a supportive family. Dissension and discord Was all that was handed to me. He did for others, embarrassed And cursed at me. What kind of love is that? Why am I so bitter you ask? You praise him and devalued me. Compare his living to my existing! If he were at home sitting on his throne Then that would have been different, But he deliberately did this for his personal gain.

I cannot erase those moments from my mind. The pounding of my heart that announced That my husband was there for me. I turned and look around, did not want to leave Abruptly, I had the child I was caring with me. I wanted to go, but it seemed rather strange. Presently I am glad that I stayed where I was. I have many bitter memories which he denies. It is only now that I realized that he hated me. He brought me here not to display love, But for all he did, said and done to me. I think of my mother and her foolish choices. I knew I had none so I settled for one. Wish I knew then, what I now know. I would have chosen to stay in the hell I was Cast in and remained there; instead, I traded it. For an even worse one than the original. I read about the end, what my reward would be. Its apparent my situation is still being repeated. I live in fear of it, my heart responds differently. It aches from the disappointment how I was treated. His rejection, all he chose, gave and

I shifted my weight. First to one leg then the other. I twiddled my thumb, Touching one with the other. I looked up and all around. For I was waiting for my lover. With deep sighs, I sucked in my breath. I did not want to appear anxious as I was. Everything within screamed, I had lost him forever. So what was I waiting for? Transportation, the train! The vehicle that was going to take me away. Yet, I wanted for him to appear to reassure me. That I was his one true lover. It never happened! So, now I press my nose Closely to the window and left my mark. For I was sure his would stay with me, forever. He never came, never said what I wanted to hear. I departed, did not get what I went looking for. I knew the reason for my departure and what kept me. For all the things, I aspired for and in learning. It was not people but the things that I wanted to do. In the end, it was only those that brought satisfaction to me.

My crumbled spirit laid low. Far beneath a journey which Ruined the core which once held it. Wanting to fade along with the night. It was stirred but not awakened. Saddened by the rising sunlight. That which gave warmth and light to others. Did the opposite to me, yet no one knew it. Or would any of them listen. Those who saw closed their eyes. Others who heard their ears and minds. Too preoccupied with their preferences. They loved their life just did not want To be apart of whatever I was or fallen in. Did not matter what I contributed or was happening. Honor continually clothed those as rags did me. I stood alone and held my sorrows in my hands. Wounded but my journey, they insisted must go on. I craved rest, to stop for a bit, to be cradled. A heart like the one I held deserved peace and love. Is certain that I did not find or will be shown it. The one that claimed to be love was certainly not. My heart needed assistance, but not any more. Not the kind that c

You told me the year was all wrong. I just did not understand. Not that I do now completely. I simply expected things to be precise But that is sometimes not the way of life. Visions and dreams, they can be disappointing. I realized that it could be that the timing is wrong. Not the events, intentions or actual outcome. I fell in to a deep slumber. I had not done that in days. When I awaken, I craved more rest. Correlates to the happenings around me. I was definitely not where I long to be. A little disappointed and frustrated. I am sure that the truth lies ahead. Has light ever had knowledge of time? Is aware of life’s events by the seasons. Certainly not accurate knowledge of dates for anything.

Why a person would purposely chose to live the quality of life where the mundane meets the serene is bewildering to me? Is life’s purpose only for existing? Do we not all have some kind of responsibility to contribute something? Are any of us created only to continue the circle of life? I do not believe that we are all expected to discover new worlds but perhaps to be that one who carries another’s burden. I am fully convinced that every single life was given purpose. I read and see many that seem only to strive for popularity and wealth, and I wonder about their contentment. Outward happiness is not joy. It is only a temporary fix. Plus it is like working only for the immediate as if there is no thought to what comes after. The sacrifice to attain without thinking about the after life is much too serious. It is especially so if, the result of attaining those things does not result in eternal peace. I am not at all against the ordinary or those with popularity, but they are both at

Jerusalem has a new name. She is also not the same. Presently, she does not love her husband. Because his actions severely impacted her. He also carries a new name but only a few knows. In her presence, he selected himself a new wife. One that he blessed and gave the best in life. Provided for that wife by giving all his youth to her. There was not any joy or provision made for the angel. Only that which brought her sorrow and shame. No reward, or compensation for all her work. Her husband and all of his followers deserted her. Which one of them ever loved, knew or defended her? Chose to do in order to uplift and glorify her. Do you know what the father plans are for her? It has grieved and destroyed what matters to her most. Even truth is not that to her but lies and deception. Promises of peace to stop her destruction, unwelcome. For frail and in a pile of rubble her foundation lay. Destroyed by the one that claims he'll return to her.

How could we have been so blind? Denied you and chose others to walk beside. Not extending love or compassion to you. But choosing to leave you on your own. Where is our song of worship? Who is it that we adored, The one that we chose not to stand with, Or the one you placed on the throne? I know that we were made to worship. That we cannot do that on our own. And our hearts are filled with sorrow Because we left you to suffer all alone. Many days we’ve cried Ab, father. We cannot bear this burden alone. You know how truly frail we are. That we could not do this on our own.

I was awakened in the middle of the night. By an overwhelming urge, that told me to prepare. My prince has dedicated himself to winning. Not only my freedom but his ardent desire. Wish it was me that he wanted but Long before, he met me, he had a dissimiliar one. I came later, after he gained wealth for himself. I was only a girl searching for my own way in this world. I founded it but was profoundly disappointed by it. With that, I departed to live with others I did not know. It saddened me that I could not be where my heart longed. I found myself among many; I hardly knew or care to know. They filled my soul with doubt and even more sorrow. I could not even relay to them who I honestly was. They would not sincerely believe and would be filled with doubt. For those and many other reasons, I kept my mouth closed. There was only one thing that I could do, wait for my prince. Whether or not he now works with or for me is unknown. All I know is that he holds the key that

Yesterday, I ran barefooted in the rain, down the streets of Houston, for the first time. It was exhilarating and fun. I would recommend that everyone tries it at least once. We all need a carefree day once in a while, to let go of all our inhibitions and simply be a child again.

Little do they know. That charity does not insist. It waits for its day, invitation, To go along side. Is gracious and kind in a nonoffensive way. How many will have to live. Who will have to give his life? For a single person to understand. That God does not push Inflict himself on anyone. But graciously accepts them Lovingly with opens arms. Advises all to use that same approach.

I’ve been beaten up more than lifted up. For the one that was to love me Turned his back and refused to care for me. I cry in heart, through words and songs I’ve been deserted for way too long. Where did my sorrow of heart comes from! The very one they sing and pay tribute to. What would this truth do to the gospel? What effect would it have on those who In Jesus’ message believe? I sorrow for all of these. Oh sorrow, you are my only company. Oh the many secrets that you carry. If he was not here, I would understand. I know that I had personally appealed to him. Realized even the effects this would have on him. My heart sorrows for all the unfortunate people. My heart sorrows for I long, but lost my home. My heart sorrows because I am on my own. My heart sorrows for, I no longer have my name. For the fact that no one would believe I am the same.

Wish they would understand That I need to handle this on my own. Wish they knew the hurt That I am not just another woman Sent here from heaven’s throne. Wish they would leave my family's issues alone. Instead, it feels as if they are working against me. Wish you knew, Wish you cared! Wish you would have been there for me. Wish I had another to love and guide me. That you had provided that for me. But wishes do not do any of that I know for I have lived without all that. Father! Why did you break my heart? Why choose to inflict me from the start. It is hard to be alone, to be fighting on my own. Why did you choose for me to be among them? It is difficult to walk and live along side them. I really need to depart, for I’ve had enough. This living has me all beaten up.

I am in the middle of a war zone alone. They call themselves my comrades. They attack as though they are the enemy. I wonder if these are given as friends or foe. Their banner does not carry my name. Every one of them is the same, righteous. Yet they are all wrong as Lucifer himself. They cannot see to stand against me. Will cause them to fall, whose fault is that. I know we do things contrary to human beings. But standing against me has consequences. I am in the middle of a war zone without support. It is not the difficulty of the task that will cause me to fail. It is the folly of these self righteous one that will cause that.

It does not matter! One day we will have it all. You can keep some or all For I am confident the day Will soon be here, that this Horrible nightmare is finally ending. If for a moment I doubt And this was only my imagination. Then I would have need to fear, But I am certain that joy will soon be here. Oddly enough that both scares and delights me. Never before had I placed my faith in the future, Or anyone so blindly, but apart of me always knew. Just a little sadden that I was always on the outside, Watching you, while others got to sit and be with you.

I walked the desolate City To see if I could find Where my future children Would one day dwell. Yet I failed to connect With their father, for he Did not believe or knew Not only my identity But that he would father those. I walked alone for not even I knew Who I was, but I did know it was he. I was not there to change or convince him. Yet, at this time, I have been insisting, As if, he does not have his own mind. Possess self will to continue refusing, Or accept that all I say is true, but when, When would any of these things be? A question I’ve asked myself many times. For as much as I now know still I do not. Really know a whole lot about him.

So small but superbly strong. The one that came from An overflow of love. An out pouring of passion, That appeared to desist. Only for a few seconds. Then with a roar, crushed All that stood before, obstructing its path. Its rightful place, besides the one, That had long considered it. That would blossom and grow from it. So that one day the life that sprung forth. Would later take the lead, fulfilling all their purpose.

I ever so slightly touched his face. I needed to, not just to caress him, But that I had long anticipated. The warm touch of his skin The designs I had, my thoughts fixed on him. At last, I was where I wanted to be. The ocean breeze blow all my cares To isle unexplored but my affections, Stayed constant, momentarily unexplored But from the precise time my fingers Laid ever so softly on his face, I knew, From that day forth, exactly who I wanted. For I had loved him more than anyone.

Trying to reach beyond The things that scar me. Those that disappointed Refused to hold on to me. But continued to hold out on me. I reached out blinded by my pain. Wanted no promises of gain. Long for my spirit to soar Be apart of something positive. I desired a whole lot, than I can express. For the spark, the fire that roars, To continue to burn, warm hearts. Those that needed me much more Than all these who did not care. I wanted to sit with those of you That needed a hug, untouched by few. I wanted to love the unlovable too. Not simply to become as one of you.

Why would you ever embrace me? When I have never wanted or cared for you. Is it not obvious that I did not love you? I chose who I wanted; it was to her that I gave. Her that I spent my life with became my significant. One day as King of heaven, I will put her next to me. And that I already did, so she will be my future. Heaven will one day have a new Queen, Jerusalem. As it was her that I selected and shared my life with. What say you old City, who are you? Your faded beauty, who knew you, wanted you? Lay you among the ashes gave only that to you. Why would I highly esteemed one, ever want you? What say you of me, when it was you that was least? Is it not obvious as to why I denied you, gave you nothing? If you meant anything to me, I would not have done that. Whatever it was it is over, and you can keep your unheard words.

I wrote and rewrote this poem about 5 times. I was overcome by a lot of disheartening events, but I think I finally got it right. This is not me being unforgiving. But me doing what is right for me. For as long as I have been breathing, You have placed others ahead of me. Chorus: The choices I made affected me. So this means I can no longer be With a love that ignores me, But prefers one, whose affection is clear to me. I need a partner who would stand by me. One that would love and assist me. Not one who truly preferred everyone. Much more than he cared for me. I am not being unforgiving but choosing, The kind of love I can trust and believe in. I no longer want a list of excuses. I cannot hold unto foolishness. I have done this many times before, Burying my needs with in my sorrows. As if, you and they were not mine, but no more! I am choosing to love myself and to let that go.

He did not want me to leave, I did not want to stay. This is beyond the recovery stage. I am being forced to do this. For I have no will or desire to continue this. Especially now that I am severely wounded. Neither is it about his desires to give to me. Or is it about love, that he does not have for me. I am tired of his phony display of affection. His disregarding my needs as foolishness. All that does is confirms what I believe of him. Especially in knowing that my reward Does not align with my values. I see the continuation of this being dishonoring!

Had I did not sincerely love, Or extended love and care to anyone. I would honestly continue to believe That you loved me, protected me. Because I did, I have a measure. The love I showed to others made me realized You sincerely had no love or care for me. What you will chose to do, no longer has value to me. Through my own actions and love I had for another. I realized that was what enabled me, gave me joy. The way I chose to love them. My action brought contentment, not anything you did. But in contrast whenever I thought of you, My heart overflows with sadness. I remember the abandonment and hurt. The dissolution and destruction your words brought. Not only to our but to my other relationship.

You made me come alive. Brought meaning to my life. Caused the passion that's with in To emerge that I could live. Instead of simply surviving. My days were like fire cracker A lot brighter and cheerer. My troubles seem light as a feather. The slightest thought, of you lifted my mood. I was happier because I loved you. Life was a struggle, but it had no bearing on me, Or what I was doing for at the mere sight of you, My cares would melt and I could feel it too. Even though the years has changed a lot. It did not alter the great love, I had for you. I lost your love, but the memory of you. Lingers on in my heart. That love still lifts me up on tough days It helps me to be happy sometimes.

I wonder what kind of God accepts the sacrifice a man makes of abandoning his wife to care for another, or even to go worship him. Is the stewardship of what he gives us not highly essential? How could one go preaching in the jungle and not provide protection for his family? I am not asking any of these questions because I want an answer. I know that God is the example to follow, and if God ever did anything remotely like this, then all men that have done this is justified. We see men that make extreme sacrifices as being noble. That is if they forsake their family and their life for the sake of doing a noble act for others. However, if a man forsakes his wife for the sake of another woman to give her all that was rightfully the one he forsook, would anyone see such an act as nobleness. Personally, I do not see that as being noble, and I honestly hope that God the father does not either. If a person, that has a wife marries another, that is adultery, and those actions release the o

For the many times, I sat with you Honestly felt that I belong there with you. Never did a solitary unkind thing to you. Only to have gotten excuses, not real care, No valid reasons, you could not be there. When I needed love to be shown to me. The lovely girl you pretended to want. You were no where to be found. Without a doubt it was lust, not love. Trampled on my heart, ripping me apart. Placing me in desperate need to restart. Because I certainly do not want to be last. Only a relationship that would last. One where I would be first, treated with respect.  I do not want anyone that is so inconsiderate. Neither do I want to live with what I regret.

I want to be free. As difficult as that maybe. I want to be free to be me. No longer obligated. I find that to be overrated. I want to be free Not belonging to anybody. After all attachment has done. I simply want to be alone. All can visit with me But at the end of the day You all need to leave. I am not discouraged, Or lacking in courage. I no longer want any To be the reason I couldn’t be true to me.

Father of my sons. I wrote about all of them. Speak I the most of him that I love. Articulated the least of him who hurt me. Say I of him who lived with me, For the longest time, I long for nothing, But to escape the grips of him. Whoever came before or will after me, Say I to you of their relationship with me, Love me least, desire me more, or indefinitely, The result their actions produced Was what revealed their affection to me. Whatever words they uttered did nothing. The things they did was certainly instrumental In revealing their character and fueling my desire. Also resulting in my conclusion of each of them. Although, my impression not encounter stayed, Much longer than their deceit or any of them did.

There was no valid reason for leaving me. As there was not for, the hostility directed at me. I now have so much confusion and doubt About his identity, the person, he claims to be. For his behavior has certainly confused Caused disbelief, anxiety and insecurity To be awaken within me, it is him nothing else. I would never make excuses or second guess That this was ever out of love and not intentional. I am not sure of the events that took place before, That caused him to willfully take vengeance on me. What ever it is, whether his rejection by human beings. Or their past display of love for me, the tables have turned. He has now caused a number of them not to love or accept The person I now am but highly respect and esteem him. I am filled with regret that I ever met or knew him.

Ever cell, fiber part of who I am Love adored and desired you. Long for you to receive me Without stipulation or demands. Wanted you to welcome me Without hesitation, accept me, Just as I am, was at that time. When you did not, I was saddened. In that instant, I decided to leave. I walked alone for an extremely long time. I stopped for a few seconds to wonder. Then continued on my journey in life. To hesitate once again to ponder about you. Know that I would continue without you. My only regret would be if I could not Take you with me to my home in heaven. Other than that I will be just fine on my own.

Building sand castles. One by one they fell. Then I built a fancy one. I was so elated! I long to keep it. As the rain fell That one did too. I felt a little disappointed. Fully realizing that was also temporary. Sand Castle cannot be transformed Into permanent dwellings. With that, I went back to my cabin.

I am not going to break my heart or my own rules. It is enough that he did. It simply means Father was wrong About many things, because that I would not choose to do. Perhaps the point I see as lies were to enable me to heal. Instead it defeated me. Yet, I am trying, To live, keep my honor intact as all has failed me. What did he give to me? It is still true, they all rejected me. Never chosen by him or you. I accept that as a fact One day I hope never to look back. Simply to disconnect from him because he caused me sorrow. And obliterated every thing good and positive. I need to create my own tomorrow. Where I would be first for once.

I know it is true that not I or any earthly being That was worth anything, loved or ever wanted you. If you do not want to be with any of them again. I will support your decision, just not in person. Even, if you now choose to turn away from me. For I gave you every reason not to love me. By behaving exactly as if you were my enemy. After I walked away from you, extending promises That will further devalue you and all you wanted to do. Why would you not be disappointed in heaven? And feel as though you have been left without a home. I took it all away from you, but who would ever believe you. I know that, for you, all this is like pouring salt in your wound. The same as when they gave me vinegar for my thirst, accept it! But sincerely, what actual benefit is there in choosing A desolate forgotten unknown woman, think about that!

People did and do not complete me. I found peace and comfort in the things I did. That was what was with-held, taken. Then I descended to the depths of hell. All I desired, toiled for, stripped away. Never again will I peacefully submit. Subject myself to the mercy of men. My heart now rejects him who holds the key. To him, who had no knowledge, refused me, I forgive. In agony by the King’s choice, I renounce my crown. I long for the strength I had when I was young; My c avalier attitude resulted from, The confidence that I was royal or supreme. For I alone knew my identity, had respect for it. Then singularly chose to say, or do what no one else did. Knows in my heart they all profoundly upset me. That once again it would be up to me, Not to allow any of their folly to defeat me. With that, I will go on trying and hoping that one day, I can stand and say I wish I had known them, but I didn’t.

Only for grief and sorrow you chose me. To give life long love, joy, hope, the best in life, You chose another in the prime of life. As you betrayed and turned your back on me. In your continued deceit, will take advantage of me. As I grieve because of all that was taken. Knowing that humiliation and hurt was given. For in my illness and despair you refused to care. As you wrapped your arms around another; How could I forget how truly cruel you are? IF my spirit, my heart, disappoints me By turning to you again for help, I deserve All the shame, rejection and difficult times I faced. I'd see myself as not having learned and willfully stupid. Even your promises seem worthless. As were your claims that citizenship was a gift. Are you purposefully deceitful or honestly so clueless? For that, came at an enormously high price to me. Because of all this, I abhor you more than you did me. Are you capable of telling or revealing the truth? Desparity Number 2 The imp

Deficient in the ability to express her feelings For she was drowing in emptiness and despair. Not a tear was voluntarily shed. Void of c onsolation and love, The warmth and comfort of her arms Was tightly wrapped around Her own body as her child stood close by With tear drenched face. She was aware, but her own needs Prevented her from comforting him. Her pain had ripped her heart From the cavity in which All her emotions were stored. As she held herself, eyes ahead Could no longer see n ecessity. Any benefit to belonging to anyone. All she knew were the things She experienced, life taught her, She was unloved, on her own. Her child was simply another casualty. One who would now walk alone; In the exact path many had before her.

My thoughts, my previous views were correct. I knew to have been weary of them. It made me realized I was taught truth. Not to develop close relationship with unlovely people. I knew this was not exclusively true of everyone. With time it became evident that it was of these. Those that I chose to love and trust and be apart of. Never again will I do that, trust resident evil. For a moment, I realized then I pushed it from my mind. Now I know, I was wrong, that was what I should have held to. I have no proof or evidence that supports that they ever loved. But now I know how unloving they truly were especially to me.

I went searching for love. When I thought I had it I was extremely excited, But became gravely disappointed. It turned into all I was afraid of. It appeared to be incapable of. Returning or showing any affection for me. It did not seem to exist among the men, I wanted to love me or was attracted to. It was my own affection Deflecting on those horrible beings, That first caused joy to arise with me. Then from awareness I became guarded. Even the precise one I was in search of. Believed was apart of me was not. How could I have been so wrong? Why did I not listen except I felt, They appeared to have welcomed me, As though, they were also interested, Not only in me but also my wellbeing. Then in sickness, the truth became evident. Sadly, I found that none of it was true. It devastated me, and crushed my spirit. I had allowed those demons to deceive me. Wondered why things had to go that far, Before I learned I believed untruth. Never again will I trust those devi

She is delightfully romantic! And he, dashingly charismatic! The pair that fits like a hand in a glove. The lovely lady is adorned With her most precious possession. The silkiest of skin that is not in need of anything, Merely the arms of her beloved; Draped by her most ardent desire. The soft flow of the soothing melody of satisfaction. The delight that glows so freely from her face. For at last, she is in a serene place where she can rest.

Dare they speak,criticize! Who or what gave them voice? Their interest, disbelief, Or the talk of the day. Should I insist! Have I not said what was required? Contributed all that was necessary! Why force love on them? Give away a precious gem! They fail to see worth. Surely, they deserved Such love and knowledge. I shared, and they complained.

By the end, of the day, I still love. My concern rests, as if pushed aside. My spirit still burns with longings, For resolution, my heart desire, Is still blazing within my chest, For the things, I am zealous about, Desire to move beyond, complete, Capture and never let go of, Is all remarkably a live as I breathe. My disappointments and my pride At times stifles me but if I could Get pass the things that bind me, One would know the truth, and see my love.

Every marriage has it ups and downs, highs and lows. Oddly enough because I had taken on a monstrous of a task, the things that damage mine had quite a bit to do with that. Whatever caused my heart to become broken were the things that impacted my children’s future. It was enough that I had to battle society to do the right thing. It was horrendous that I had moments where I was engaged in battle with my spouse for the exact reason. I can recall an instant when a star war movie was premièring in May 1999. It was on the same day as my daughter's preschool graduation. As I sought my husband’s support to attend the graduation, he defiantly told me, our daughter would have many more significant miles stones. At those moments, he would be there, but that graduating from preschool was not one of them. He added that it was not every day, however, that a Star War movie opens, so that was what he chose to attend. Even at that early age that particular child had struggles. I did not view t

I wrote to you today, then discarded it. I mentioned a few new things. Perhaps I did not repeat anything. I talked about the things I had seen. Gave details of a particular scene. One in which you were fighting with me. I expressed my thoughts to you. My wonderings of what we fought about. I did say I did not want to write to you again. Thought about the future, my passion and propensity. My wanting to be loved, my conclusion, and confusion. Remembered the girl, I once was. What she would have done. Momentarily she would have looked then calmly walked away. I liked that kind of attitude, I wish I was still like that.