Difficult Choices in Parenting
My life is more and more like a juggling act at this time than it has ever been in previous years. The difference now is that I am struggling to be all things to my children and to keep every aspect of my life afloat. In the midst of a crisis I tend to put all my energies into taking care of the chore at hand and tend to drop the ball on the none crisis issues. It was not an easy task meeting the needs of seven children. It was considerably much more challenging because I had special needs children as part of the mix. If the goal was simply to care for the children without providing them a resolution to their difficulties, then yes this would not have been as trying for me as it has been. What made it doubly difficult was when the children were younger my husband was not available to give me a hand as would have been ideal.
I had a very faithful husband who was a good provider. On occasion he would take the children to their various after school programs but I was the main caretaker, teacher and disciplinarian. He worked long hours and served as a board member on a committee that raised money for the school district. He was also at that time in charge of the music ministry at our church and volunteered at the radio station. This meant that I spent a lot of alone hours with the children. It was very frustrating and tiresome at times. Nonetheless I am happy to say that those days are behind me. It is my opinion however, that from my not being able to be all things to the children that some of the problems we face today resulted from that.
I am very aware that there are some biological factors that also contributed to some of our present troubles and that no one person can be everything to a person. No two children are alike and children differ from child to child. Where one child would do well with only one involved parent, another child would not.
Our third child who is currently 16 years old has always been a bit of a challenge. She also seemed to be a lot needier than the other children when it comes to needing love and attention. For her the type of attention did not matter whether it was positive or negative. After a series of defiant behaviors on her part and failed attempt to get her to change her behavior, we had to exercise tough love.
About a month ago while I was taking a shower, she took my car without my permission to go meet up with a boy. She did this knowingly she had an appointment and that once out of the shower, I would know that she had left the house. Subsequently I called the police and reported her as a run-away and my car as missing. Once the law caught up with her they did ask if I wanted to press charges against her. I made the choice to press charges against her as extremely difficult as that was. This was not the first time she had done this. Prior to that incident she would leave the house after everyone had gone to bed. We tried grounding her, we had her hospitalized, we sent her to counseling and we tried talking to her. I had friends who worked in the field of psychology talk to her, her own peers tried talking to her but to no avail.
I did not awake one day to find myself with a child who challenged my authority. This child's difficulties were very evident from a very early age. After she completed fifth grade and was enrolled in sixth grade she had some challenges and I withdrew her and enrolled her in a private school. At the school she attended in sixth grade her teacher did complained that she did things for everyone else but did not do the things she was required to do. In essence that is typically how she is. She is totally aware of all the rules and the do's and don'ts and wants all the good things for every one else except herself. When it comes to her tasks and assignments, she is very disorganized and unable to follow through. As a result she chooses to do for others and pushes aside or avoids her own responsibility. She attended private school until she was finished with the eight grade. I enrolled her in public school at the high school level. Almost immediately after she started public high school we were faced with the trouble of her selecting the so call “bad boys” as friends. As time went on she grew more and more defiant in regard to wanting to be with these boys and developed a reputation of being easy.
I found the whole situation very confusing and very difficult for even me to understand. On the one hand this girl is very polite and is more mindful of etiquette rules more than I am at times. Then on the flip side she does things that seem so out of character for her. She has goals and desires much like all my other children and is very considerate of others and on occasion is very kind. I did recognize that she was not a leader and is more of a follower. That was very acceptable because I am fully aware that we cannot all be leaders. The disturbing part was the young men she chose to befriend and follow. They were not the ones with the best reputation. They certainly were not the ones that were at the top of their class academically or involved in any kind of sports or in any of the arts. On the other hand, she ran cross-country, plays golf, sings and performs with her siblings and was capable of doing very well academically when she puts her mind to it. Her kindness and willingness to help others were also very evident from early on. She does not challenge authority by being verbally obnoxious but like any typical teen she would talk back to me on occasion.
At the start of this school year she did say to us that she thought she needed help. So it was upon her own desires that we got her the help we thought she wanted. We met with the counselor and school teachers and explained to them she had a mood disorder but wanted her school year to be a success. She told them that when she got bored from being in class she would ask to leave and that would be when she would do things that were out of character for her. It was her and her therapist that set her goals and boundaries which was meant to keep her safe. It was after numerous interventions and her constant violation of our trust why I felt I had no other choice but to take legal action against her.
At no time after being found out in the past was she ever apologetic. After she took her father’s mustang and caused some damage to it, she did not appear to be apologetic or remorseful. She responded by saying.
“So, that is an old car, at least it was not Momma’s.” She then refused to apologize because she said, she felt as if she was being forced.
I saw her yesterday in the juvenile detention with a counselor. After being locked up for three or more weeks, she finally said. “I know of everyone in our family, I have hurt you the most. I also recognize that my behavior is destructive to my own wellbeing. I know I hurt you more than any other family member. I know this because you are the one that is always there. I know daddy cares but he is way too busy and is never around. I promise I will not do this any more because I do not want to go to prison or ever have to come back here.” That right there was progress and a lot more than I could hope for at this point.
Unfortunately the law is involved and it is going to take more than just her words to satisfy them. The Probation Officer assigned to her case and I did come to an agreement. We would apply for admission for her to attend The Texas ChallenGe Academy. If she gets accepted the court may consider dropping the charges that are pending against her for unauthorized use of a motor vehicle. If not we would have to consider other avenues.
The Texas ChallenGe program is operated by the Texas National Guard and is not affiliated in any way with the Department of Justice or Juvenile detention center. Its purpose is to provide education and structure for teens that are has dropped out of school or is at risk for dropping out of school. It gets funding from the Federal Government, the State of Texas and from private foundations.
My goal for all my children is for them to finish high school and for them to go unto institution of higher learning. I know that the teenage years can be very volatile and kids can sometimes do stupid things during this period that can ruin their life. The last thing that I want would be to let go of this desire for any of my children. I did not want to be challenged or put to the test by any of them to see how far I would go to see them through either. Having my daughter locked away was the most difficult choice I had to make. That juggling act that I spoke about in the beginning, I momentarily thought I was going to lose this one. I know that I cannot claim victory and that this may just be the start of yet another hurdle.
I had a very faithful husband who was a good provider. On occasion he would take the children to their various after school programs but I was the main caretaker, teacher and disciplinarian. He worked long hours and served as a board member on a committee that raised money for the school district. He was also at that time in charge of the music ministry at our church and volunteered at the radio station. This meant that I spent a lot of alone hours with the children. It was very frustrating and tiresome at times. Nonetheless I am happy to say that those days are behind me. It is my opinion however, that from my not being able to be all things to the children that some of the problems we face today resulted from that.
I am very aware that there are some biological factors that also contributed to some of our present troubles and that no one person can be everything to a person. No two children are alike and children differ from child to child. Where one child would do well with only one involved parent, another child would not.
Our third child who is currently 16 years old has always been a bit of a challenge. She also seemed to be a lot needier than the other children when it comes to needing love and attention. For her the type of attention did not matter whether it was positive or negative. After a series of defiant behaviors on her part and failed attempt to get her to change her behavior, we had to exercise tough love.
About a month ago while I was taking a shower, she took my car without my permission to go meet up with a boy. She did this knowingly she had an appointment and that once out of the shower, I would know that she had left the house. Subsequently I called the police and reported her as a run-away and my car as missing. Once the law caught up with her they did ask if I wanted to press charges against her. I made the choice to press charges against her as extremely difficult as that was. This was not the first time she had done this. Prior to that incident she would leave the house after everyone had gone to bed. We tried grounding her, we had her hospitalized, we sent her to counseling and we tried talking to her. I had friends who worked in the field of psychology talk to her, her own peers tried talking to her but to no avail.
I did not awake one day to find myself with a child who challenged my authority. This child's difficulties were very evident from a very early age. After she completed fifth grade and was enrolled in sixth grade she had some challenges and I withdrew her and enrolled her in a private school. At the school she attended in sixth grade her teacher did complained that she did things for everyone else but did not do the things she was required to do. In essence that is typically how she is. She is totally aware of all the rules and the do's and don'ts and wants all the good things for every one else except herself. When it comes to her tasks and assignments, she is very disorganized and unable to follow through. As a result she chooses to do for others and pushes aside or avoids her own responsibility. She attended private school until she was finished with the eight grade. I enrolled her in public school at the high school level. Almost immediately after she started public high school we were faced with the trouble of her selecting the so call “bad boys” as friends. As time went on she grew more and more defiant in regard to wanting to be with these boys and developed a reputation of being easy.
I found the whole situation very confusing and very difficult for even me to understand. On the one hand this girl is very polite and is more mindful of etiquette rules more than I am at times. Then on the flip side she does things that seem so out of character for her. She has goals and desires much like all my other children and is very considerate of others and on occasion is very kind. I did recognize that she was not a leader and is more of a follower. That was very acceptable because I am fully aware that we cannot all be leaders. The disturbing part was the young men she chose to befriend and follow. They were not the ones with the best reputation. They certainly were not the ones that were at the top of their class academically or involved in any kind of sports or in any of the arts. On the other hand, she ran cross-country, plays golf, sings and performs with her siblings and was capable of doing very well academically when she puts her mind to it. Her kindness and willingness to help others were also very evident from early on. She does not challenge authority by being verbally obnoxious but like any typical teen she would talk back to me on occasion.
At the start of this school year she did say to us that she thought she needed help. So it was upon her own desires that we got her the help we thought she wanted. We met with the counselor and school teachers and explained to them she had a mood disorder but wanted her school year to be a success. She told them that when she got bored from being in class she would ask to leave and that would be when she would do things that were out of character for her. It was her and her therapist that set her goals and boundaries which was meant to keep her safe. It was after numerous interventions and her constant violation of our trust why I felt I had no other choice but to take legal action against her.
At no time after being found out in the past was she ever apologetic. After she took her father’s mustang and caused some damage to it, she did not appear to be apologetic or remorseful. She responded by saying.
“So, that is an old car, at least it was not Momma’s.” She then refused to apologize because she said, she felt as if she was being forced.
I saw her yesterday in the juvenile detention with a counselor. After being locked up for three or more weeks, she finally said. “I know of everyone in our family, I have hurt you the most. I also recognize that my behavior is destructive to my own wellbeing. I know I hurt you more than any other family member. I know this because you are the one that is always there. I know daddy cares but he is way too busy and is never around. I promise I will not do this any more because I do not want to go to prison or ever have to come back here.” That right there was progress and a lot more than I could hope for at this point.
Unfortunately the law is involved and it is going to take more than just her words to satisfy them. The Probation Officer assigned to her case and I did come to an agreement. We would apply for admission for her to attend The Texas ChallenGe Academy. If she gets accepted the court may consider dropping the charges that are pending against her for unauthorized use of a motor vehicle. If not we would have to consider other avenues.
The Texas ChallenGe program is operated by the Texas National Guard and is not affiliated in any way with the Department of Justice or Juvenile detention center. Its purpose is to provide education and structure for teens that are has dropped out of school or is at risk for dropping out of school. It gets funding from the Federal Government, the State of Texas and from private foundations.
My goal for all my children is for them to finish high school and for them to go unto institution of higher learning. I know that the teenage years can be very volatile and kids can sometimes do stupid things during this period that can ruin their life. The last thing that I want would be to let go of this desire for any of my children. I did not want to be challenged or put to the test by any of them to see how far I would go to see them through either. Having my daughter locked away was the most difficult choice I had to make. That juggling act that I spoke about in the beginning, I momentarily thought I was going to lose this one. I know that I cannot claim victory and that this may just be the start of yet another hurdle.
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