My Regrets
As a young woman, I was not a risk taker but more of a rule follower. As an adult, I still prefer to make sound choices. I recognized that this state of being has inhibited me to the point where I remained in difficult situations a lot longer than I cared or needed to.
As a young child growing up and even into early adulthood, it was always my desire to live and work at home among my people. After I had arrived in the United States, I struggled within myself as I found it difficult to achieve my goals. I then wanted nothing more than to return to my place of birth. In those early years after I verbalized my desire to a friend, I allowed her to talk me into staying. I continued working and toiling and eventually working and caring for both New York City's wealthy and the disfranchised. After making some strides in my chosen field, I met and married a Native New Yorker. I had momentarily forgotten that my desire was to return home. At that point, I had been in this Country for twelve years. Some time after I got married I realized that by doing this, I minimize my chances of ever returning home permanently. I have, in fact, made numerous short trips home. All the mission trips that I participated in were to my home land. Still this does not satisfy me. I have done so much here and almost nothing there in comparison to the things I have done here. That saddens me. I feel that my choices made my life so complicated, I sabotaged my own desires.
Some of my present day difficulties are only serving as a reminder to me of what I wanted for my life. I now have so much material-wise and those were never the things that I sought after. My significant other cannot understand or identify with my challenges or passion. The person he met and married was secure with a stable profession, not the struggling young woman or the heart sick one, I have become. There was no question as to what I wanted to do with my life or, so it appeared.
I know that I am regretting that I allowed people and circumstances to dictate to me because I feel disheartened. I am disappointed because things did not go well with my daughter after a year-long battle to get her on the right path. As with any relationship my marriage is far from perfect and my husband and I do not see eye to eye when it comes to the children. I know some things have to do with our cultural differences and a lot to do with whom we are as individuals.
In my last blog, I talked about knowing when to walk away. Today, that is all that I want to do, but as I said, I am not one to take risks. Neither is it like me to do something that would disrupt my children’s life. It is typical of me to bury my desire and to move on. Life for us has been disrupted enough by all these events. So, for now, I chose to vent my frustration by writing about it. My hurt, my desire might one day vanish with time but my children will always be mine.
As a young child growing up and even into early adulthood, it was always my desire to live and work at home among my people. After I had arrived in the United States, I struggled within myself as I found it difficult to achieve my goals. I then wanted nothing more than to return to my place of birth. In those early years after I verbalized my desire to a friend, I allowed her to talk me into staying. I continued working and toiling and eventually working and caring for both New York City's wealthy and the disfranchised. After making some strides in my chosen field, I met and married a Native New Yorker. I had momentarily forgotten that my desire was to return home. At that point, I had been in this Country for twelve years. Some time after I got married I realized that by doing this, I minimize my chances of ever returning home permanently. I have, in fact, made numerous short trips home. All the mission trips that I participated in were to my home land. Still this does not satisfy me. I have done so much here and almost nothing there in comparison to the things I have done here. That saddens me. I feel that my choices made my life so complicated, I sabotaged my own desires.
Some of my present day difficulties are only serving as a reminder to me of what I wanted for my life. I now have so much material-wise and those were never the things that I sought after. My significant other cannot understand or identify with my challenges or passion. The person he met and married was secure with a stable profession, not the struggling young woman or the heart sick one, I have become. There was no question as to what I wanted to do with my life or, so it appeared.
I know that I am regretting that I allowed people and circumstances to dictate to me because I feel disheartened. I am disappointed because things did not go well with my daughter after a year-long battle to get her on the right path. As with any relationship my marriage is far from perfect and my husband and I do not see eye to eye when it comes to the children. I know some things have to do with our cultural differences and a lot to do with whom we are as individuals.
In my last blog, I talked about knowing when to walk away. Today, that is all that I want to do, but as I said, I am not one to take risks. Neither is it like me to do something that would disrupt my children’s life. It is typical of me to bury my desire and to move on. Life for us has been disrupted enough by all these events. So, for now, I chose to vent my frustration by writing about it. My hurt, my desire might one day vanish with time but my children will always be mine.
Comments
Post a Comment