Abandoned!
When I am down or deeply troubled, I am filled with thoughts and ideas. It was been a long time since I last wrote and bear myself for the world. I have been writing but for my eyes only. I was so overwhelmed by hurt and disappointment that I stopped. In my heart I even carried feelings of shame which resulted in my harbouring a whole set of other emotions. Yet it was my suspicions that lead me to start this series of writings. When my worse fears were confirmed, I could not skillfully deal with it. Yet of all people I should know life is not perfect and that it can sometimes be more difficult for some than it is for others. I also know how difficult it is to stay positive when your hopes and dreams seem unattainable. At this time I am strictly writing about my disappointments in the realm of parenting. Although I have also had my share of disappointments in regard to personal and romantic aspiration and in accomplishing my professional goals. Even the things that I have accomplished, I struggled to attain so I have no explaination as to why I react the way I do.
When it came to my children I was convinced in my heart and mind that despite my adopted children having such a tough start in life that their days would be different. I adopted them to make a difference in their being. However, the things that I am all broken up about others view as perfectly normal but to me it was a personal tragedy. I tied spearing them from individual hurt by trying to make a difference in their life.
"Were you not a teenager?" I had been asked over and over. "Yes, I was and it is precisely because of the kind of teenager I was that makes it so difficult for me to relate to my own teens." It is very difficult to be completely understanding of issues that one cannot relate to. It is however, a lot easier to be critical and judgemental.
OK, I once followed a boy from school to his basketball practice. I was with a friend and we did it as a joke. He did not think it so funny but we did. My biggest vice might have been following his games, not that I approached him or said two words to him. I know that this probably sounds pretty creepy too. That was me, a shy quiet girl, who watched but hardly spoke. Well, that fellow might have thought so because when I finally got around to saying hello to him he did not bother answering me. Generally speaking though, I mostly kept my face buried in a romance novel. That was the extent of my association with the opposite sex.
So yes, I am fully aware of the boy craze that a typical teenage girl goes through. I am also fully aware that there are always people at the extreme ends of any spectrum. As a parent of five teenage girls, I can attest that it is a lot more pleasing to have a teenage daughter who is interested in boys but is not invovled in an actual relationship. I found it extremely devastating upon learning that one had crossed the line of what I considered normal teenage boy, girl relationship. I stopped writing, my heart stopped and heartache like I had never known swept over me.
My girls were ages one to four when I adopted them. It was never a secret that they were adopted. I was often told that they needed to know where they came from. It was impertinent that they were told so that in the teenage years as they begin to form their identity, this would not be such an issue for them. Even as an adult I found the circumstance surrounding their biological mother giving them up very difficult. I told them she was a drug addict but I did not give them details of her circumstances. I never knew her. All the things I knew of her were what I had read in the Child Protective Services file. Who was I to judge her? It is impossible to know a person's heart and if anyone says otherwise the truth is not in them.
As much as I did and loved my children, I recently learned from this one teen aged daughter that she felt abandoned and unloved. She said she wanted to ask about her birth mother but did not want to hurt me. As she battled with her feeling of rejection, she decided to go out in search of love and acceptance. In our world there are many out there who are willing to take advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person. So the very pain she tried to spare me by not inquiring about her birth parents, she inflicted on me twenty folds. Sadly she claims that she now understands that. Not only was I hurt but she was also because she brought even more pain and rejection in her own life. I chose her as my daughter, to love and protect her and to give her hope. Now I have an even more challenging task which is to love her regardless of my expectation, and also to not for a moment let her feel rejected so that she can heal. I also know that I need to accept that I cannot be all things to her or that I would ever fill the void that she so desperately wanted to fill. I have been with her for fourteen years and obviously that void still persists.
When it came to my children I was convinced in my heart and mind that despite my adopted children having such a tough start in life that their days would be different. I adopted them to make a difference in their being. However, the things that I am all broken up about others view as perfectly normal but to me it was a personal tragedy. I tied spearing them from individual hurt by trying to make a difference in their life.
"Were you not a teenager?" I had been asked over and over. "Yes, I was and it is precisely because of the kind of teenager I was that makes it so difficult for me to relate to my own teens." It is very difficult to be completely understanding of issues that one cannot relate to. It is however, a lot easier to be critical and judgemental.
OK, I once followed a boy from school to his basketball practice. I was with a friend and we did it as a joke. He did not think it so funny but we did. My biggest vice might have been following his games, not that I approached him or said two words to him. I know that this probably sounds pretty creepy too. That was me, a shy quiet girl, who watched but hardly spoke. Well, that fellow might have thought so because when I finally got around to saying hello to him he did not bother answering me. Generally speaking though, I mostly kept my face buried in a romance novel. That was the extent of my association with the opposite sex.
So yes, I am fully aware of the boy craze that a typical teenage girl goes through. I am also fully aware that there are always people at the extreme ends of any spectrum. As a parent of five teenage girls, I can attest that it is a lot more pleasing to have a teenage daughter who is interested in boys but is not invovled in an actual relationship. I found it extremely devastating upon learning that one had crossed the line of what I considered normal teenage boy, girl relationship. I stopped writing, my heart stopped and heartache like I had never known swept over me.
My girls were ages one to four when I adopted them. It was never a secret that they were adopted. I was often told that they needed to know where they came from. It was impertinent that they were told so that in the teenage years as they begin to form their identity, this would not be such an issue for them. Even as an adult I found the circumstance surrounding their biological mother giving them up very difficult. I told them she was a drug addict but I did not give them details of her circumstances. I never knew her. All the things I knew of her were what I had read in the Child Protective Services file. Who was I to judge her? It is impossible to know a person's heart and if anyone says otherwise the truth is not in them.
As much as I did and loved my children, I recently learned from this one teen aged daughter that she felt abandoned and unloved. She said she wanted to ask about her birth mother but did not want to hurt me. As she battled with her feeling of rejection, she decided to go out in search of love and acceptance. In our world there are many out there who are willing to take advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person. So the very pain she tried to spare me by not inquiring about her birth parents, she inflicted on me twenty folds. Sadly she claims that she now understands that. Not only was I hurt but she was also because she brought even more pain and rejection in her own life. I chose her as my daughter, to love and protect her and to give her hope. Now I have an even more challenging task which is to love her regardless of my expectation, and also to not for a moment let her feel rejected so that she can heal. I also know that I need to accept that I cannot be all things to her or that I would ever fill the void that she so desperately wanted to fill. I have been with her for fourteen years and obviously that void still persists.
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