Difficult Truth
Life for us is extremely busy. In general my life is consumed with meeting the needs of my children. Sometimes that entails dealing with getting them what they need or correcting negative behaviors. Likewise, my husband’s life is consumed by his job and community involvement. Lately, he has not been doing any community-service, neither have I. Having six teenagers has been considerably more difficult in comparison to having five children under five.
When I first adopted four of my daughters they were ages one to four. I had a birth son at the time that was a year old. In those early days of having my family, I was always on the edge. There was no down time for me. My husband worked five days a week and on Saturdays would go to our church to practice with the worship team. Many times after rehearsal, he would take care of his personal needs. On Sundays, we would attend church. Sunday, which I regard as a day of rest, was more a day of stress for me also. It was my sole responsibility to get the children ready. On occasion, my husband would go to church ahead and leave me with the children. He did that because he was a part of the worship team and needed to be there early either to practice or to set up. This meant that I was alone and had to deal with any mishaps prior to being able to get everyone out the house. This also destined that nine out of ten times we arrived at church late.
When we got to church that was another issue. Some found it truly disturbing and complained that our coming in late was disruptive to the class. I was told our arriving late created chaos because it rattled the other children. As a result, it would take some time for the teacher to regain control of the class. To avoid this, I was told to either be on time or not to bring my children to Sunday school.
One particular woman, who taught my children, suggested to me that I get the older girls to assist me with the younger children. All her suggestion did was upset me immensely. When my older daughter first came to live with us, she was barely holding on. As a matter of fact, she continued to struggle emotionally for several years. She was four years old when she came to live with us and was sexually abused in her foster home. Therefore, this daughter needed me more than the younger children and could not even help herself much more someone else. The issues I was dealing with at home went beyond getting children ready to get to Sunday school on time. It was not that teacher’s decision alone to ban my family, and I know that she thought she was in some way being helpful. The truth is, none of this was helpful but, in fact, very hurtful. At that time, I kept my children’s issues between the psychologist, counselors and psychiatrist that were helping me to work through these difficulties. This was one negative incident that impacted our life in a particularly profound way. I must say that there were individuals in our church that assisted me at times with caring for my children.
During the time, of healing, however, when my children should have been shown love they were rejected. I, therefore, did my best and tried to impart lessons to them at home. The ideal situation would have been to receive the love and support I needed from those who would have been able to give me that. My two older daughters have healed, and they are doing a lot better than their younger sisters. Knowing the extreme difficulties they faced early in life, my husband and I gave them the love and support they needed. It is my belief that we did this to the detriment of the younger girls. Today it is with the two younger daughters that we face a lot of difficulty.
After the middle girl started acting out and got herself in a world of trouble, one would think the younger would refrain. She is now cutting classes to hangout with a male friend. The first time she did this she got detention. She was told that if she did it again she would be given a truancy ticket. Yet yesterday I was told that she cut another class to spend time with the same fellow she was with the first time.
As a mother, I recognize that we do not spend a whole lot of one on one time with this child. We do a lot of things as a family but not as much one on one. I also recognize that even after the many years that followed of church attendance, that this did not seem to help with them developing a love for attending church. It also appears as though they do not have the desire to develop any relationship with church goers. I feel that this has something to do with me more so than, my children history of being rejected. They might have been too young for that to have impacted them.
I grew up attending a highly conservative Christian church and even attending the church school. There was never a time that I can say I was ever rejected by anyone while growing up. Yet today I find myself withdrawing more and more and taking solace in my writings and staying away. It is my desire for my children to be more like the young unhurt me who loved the Lord, as opposed to the “me,” who stays away from religiousness. I better than anyone know that people need people and that children learn from what they see. I think that even with teens life is not so taxing but that we had such a troubled beginning as a family. My current troubles are causing me to, finally, grieve over all these unjustness. As they were occurring, I was way too preoccupied to process and deal with them. Meeting my children’s needs came first; even now I know that I had better move on. If not, again they will be the ones that will carry the scars.
When I first adopted four of my daughters they were ages one to four. I had a birth son at the time that was a year old. In those early days of having my family, I was always on the edge. There was no down time for me. My husband worked five days a week and on Saturdays would go to our church to practice with the worship team. Many times after rehearsal, he would take care of his personal needs. On Sundays, we would attend church. Sunday, which I regard as a day of rest, was more a day of stress for me also. It was my sole responsibility to get the children ready. On occasion, my husband would go to church ahead and leave me with the children. He did that because he was a part of the worship team and needed to be there early either to practice or to set up. This meant that I was alone and had to deal with any mishaps prior to being able to get everyone out the house. This also destined that nine out of ten times we arrived at church late.
When we got to church that was another issue. Some found it truly disturbing and complained that our coming in late was disruptive to the class. I was told our arriving late created chaos because it rattled the other children. As a result, it would take some time for the teacher to regain control of the class. To avoid this, I was told to either be on time or not to bring my children to Sunday school.
One particular woman, who taught my children, suggested to me that I get the older girls to assist me with the younger children. All her suggestion did was upset me immensely. When my older daughter first came to live with us, she was barely holding on. As a matter of fact, she continued to struggle emotionally for several years. She was four years old when she came to live with us and was sexually abused in her foster home. Therefore, this daughter needed me more than the younger children and could not even help herself much more someone else. The issues I was dealing with at home went beyond getting children ready to get to Sunday school on time. It was not that teacher’s decision alone to ban my family, and I know that she thought she was in some way being helpful. The truth is, none of this was helpful but, in fact, very hurtful. At that time, I kept my children’s issues between the psychologist, counselors and psychiatrist that were helping me to work through these difficulties. This was one negative incident that impacted our life in a particularly profound way. I must say that there were individuals in our church that assisted me at times with caring for my children.
During the time, of healing, however, when my children should have been shown love they were rejected. I, therefore, did my best and tried to impart lessons to them at home. The ideal situation would have been to receive the love and support I needed from those who would have been able to give me that. My two older daughters have healed, and they are doing a lot better than their younger sisters. Knowing the extreme difficulties they faced early in life, my husband and I gave them the love and support they needed. It is my belief that we did this to the detriment of the younger girls. Today it is with the two younger daughters that we face a lot of difficulty.
After the middle girl started acting out and got herself in a world of trouble, one would think the younger would refrain. She is now cutting classes to hangout with a male friend. The first time she did this she got detention. She was told that if she did it again she would be given a truancy ticket. Yet yesterday I was told that she cut another class to spend time with the same fellow she was with the first time.
As a mother, I recognize that we do not spend a whole lot of one on one time with this child. We do a lot of things as a family but not as much one on one. I also recognize that even after the many years that followed of church attendance, that this did not seem to help with them developing a love for attending church. It also appears as though they do not have the desire to develop any relationship with church goers. I feel that this has something to do with me more so than, my children history of being rejected. They might have been too young for that to have impacted them.
I grew up attending a highly conservative Christian church and even attending the church school. There was never a time that I can say I was ever rejected by anyone while growing up. Yet today I find myself withdrawing more and more and taking solace in my writings and staying away. It is my desire for my children to be more like the young unhurt me who loved the Lord, as opposed to the “me,” who stays away from religiousness. I better than anyone know that people need people and that children learn from what they see. I think that even with teens life is not so taxing but that we had such a troubled beginning as a family. My current troubles are causing me to, finally, grieve over all these unjustness. As they were occurring, I was way too preoccupied to process and deal with them. Meeting my children’s needs came first; even now I know that I had better move on. If not, again they will be the ones that will carry the scars.
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