The strong willed Child
I had an extremely frustrating week for various reasons; once again my daughter has exerted her strong will. For the third time, she has run off. I tried to emphasize the need to get her into an appropriate facility to my spouse, but he was reluctant to do so. Unless a situation is critical, he does not seem to want to take action. When it comes to this child, it is evident that he believes he can still reason with her.
I know one of my vices is that I am a thinker and not a talker. By the time, I express my opinion it is mainly because I have thought things through and is ready to take action, not to have a discussion. This frustrates everyone around me including my children. In this instance, however, I am all talked out. There are some things, which I cannot do on my own, in my marriage. If we do not agree, at times nothing gets done, other times he has the final say.
At this juncture, I am not the only person who apparently is frustrated with this situation. It is at the point where my oldest son has become highly annoyed with how we have been handling my daughter. He voiced his concerns about his sister to his youth group. I sat down with him to talk about it.
“Can you not see that whatever you are doing is not working?’ “I was concerned and I thought if I made other people aware of the circumstances it would help,” He said to me. I felt that his thoughtfulness was the beauty of innocence. I think that I, as a single person, have done as much as I can do, but I keep certain things hidden from her peers. I also do not want to include outsiders especially if they are not part of the solution.
My daughter decided that she did not like my rules so one day when I went to pick her up from school she went mysterious missing. Her teacher helped me checked all the bathrooms for her and asked the other students that were around if anyone had seen her. Well apparently she had decided she was not returning to our home, so she went off with a woman she met in her class. Later that night she called me and defiantly told me that she was staying with this woman.
“I am not coming home because I do not like to be told what to do.” This is not the first time she has decided to go off. In the past, I went out and retrieved her and brought her back. My son was upset because it was over a week, and it appeared as, though, I was allowing this.
This morning I awoke with a number of questions of my own. What should the next course of action be when verbal communication fails? I know for me that I get frustrated after I have explained myself only to have to go through the same thing again. In this case, my daughter always seems to articulate an understanding. I am fully aware that she knows what the rights answers are. Or should I say she knows the expected answers and, therefore, regurgitates them well.
After repeated effort of doing things the same way, and we see the same result, would the best course of action not be to do things differently? If a person or a child is being willfully disobedient and over and over we try to correct the child, should we succumb to the child’s will or be determined? What if the behavior is endangering the child, then would it be right to explain the dangers and leave it at that? In this case, we have denied her privileges. I have given consequences, tried counseling, and nothing seems to work. Does there ever become a time when as a parent, that we should just give in? Would you let your child choose to become a prostitute or a serial killer? What if others verbalize to you that this was encoded in their DNA, would this affect how you chose to handle the situation? My son feels that my interventions are not having any bearing on her behavior. Well at least not in a way that is bringing about change.
I fully understand what he was trying to convey to me. When I was young I also thought that I could change the life of others in a way that would bring positive transformation. I as an individual have accepted that I cannot change the hearts of men, that is a God size problem. I can only do what I was called to do. If nothing else this child’s behavior has caused me to examine myself. Through comparing her actions to my own, I have gotten to know myself.
I know that I am a strong willed person. I am also aware that as a young person that it was a lot easier to influence me then that it would be now. So my fears are that even though she is strong willed that she might be taken advantage of, because she is young.
As a person, I made mistakes at various times throughout my life. As a result of being a flawed man who is prone to making mistakes, I cannot rely on my own knowledge. For this reason, I trust that whatever I do, that it will be the right thing. I believe that there is a purpose in everything, no matter how devastating. I am responsible for my children’s welfare and to keep them safe for as long as they are under my care. When they become of age, only then am I excused from that responsibility. I do take this seriously. Most times, I do not have the answers. I, however, do I like being challenged, but I keep on doing what I know to do. I am acutely cognizant that it is tremendously pertinent to impart to my children that no matter what they do, they will never lose my love. I also know that seeking help from professionals can offer a solution and that I have done often. I am also very much aware that to the contrary that busy bodies can inflict more harm that aid. I know that I personally never welcome unsolicited advice, not even from my mother. I get defensive at times even if my own husband questions me too much. Unless I am willing sharing, I take offense to being probed. This does not make me any more or less of a person. This is who I am, and understanding that, is being accepting of that. If my actions are embarrassing or immoral, then to save me from my own stupidity by all means correct me. Like-wise that is essentially the role parents have in the life of their children. They are supposed to be their guiding light, and at times, their moral police because at the very least we correct our children out of love. On the other hand, the police will not be as kind or tolerant especially of repeat offense. My desire for her as a parent is for her to learn from me and to feel loved and secure.
I know one of my vices is that I am a thinker and not a talker. By the time, I express my opinion it is mainly because I have thought things through and is ready to take action, not to have a discussion. This frustrates everyone around me including my children. In this instance, however, I am all talked out. There are some things, which I cannot do on my own, in my marriage. If we do not agree, at times nothing gets done, other times he has the final say.
At this juncture, I am not the only person who apparently is frustrated with this situation. It is at the point where my oldest son has become highly annoyed with how we have been handling my daughter. He voiced his concerns about his sister to his youth group. I sat down with him to talk about it.
“Can you not see that whatever you are doing is not working?’ “I was concerned and I thought if I made other people aware of the circumstances it would help,” He said to me. I felt that his thoughtfulness was the beauty of innocence. I think that I, as a single person, have done as much as I can do, but I keep certain things hidden from her peers. I also do not want to include outsiders especially if they are not part of the solution.
My daughter decided that she did not like my rules so one day when I went to pick her up from school she went mysterious missing. Her teacher helped me checked all the bathrooms for her and asked the other students that were around if anyone had seen her. Well apparently she had decided she was not returning to our home, so she went off with a woman she met in her class. Later that night she called me and defiantly told me that she was staying with this woman.
“I am not coming home because I do not like to be told what to do.” This is not the first time she has decided to go off. In the past, I went out and retrieved her and brought her back. My son was upset because it was over a week, and it appeared as, though, I was allowing this.
This morning I awoke with a number of questions of my own. What should the next course of action be when verbal communication fails? I know for me that I get frustrated after I have explained myself only to have to go through the same thing again. In this case, my daughter always seems to articulate an understanding. I am fully aware that she knows what the rights answers are. Or should I say she knows the expected answers and, therefore, regurgitates them well.
After repeated effort of doing things the same way, and we see the same result, would the best course of action not be to do things differently? If a person or a child is being willfully disobedient and over and over we try to correct the child, should we succumb to the child’s will or be determined? What if the behavior is endangering the child, then would it be right to explain the dangers and leave it at that? In this case, we have denied her privileges. I have given consequences, tried counseling, and nothing seems to work. Does there ever become a time when as a parent, that we should just give in? Would you let your child choose to become a prostitute or a serial killer? What if others verbalize to you that this was encoded in their DNA, would this affect how you chose to handle the situation? My son feels that my interventions are not having any bearing on her behavior. Well at least not in a way that is bringing about change.
I fully understand what he was trying to convey to me. When I was young I also thought that I could change the life of others in a way that would bring positive transformation. I as an individual have accepted that I cannot change the hearts of men, that is a God size problem. I can only do what I was called to do. If nothing else this child’s behavior has caused me to examine myself. Through comparing her actions to my own, I have gotten to know myself.
I know that I am a strong willed person. I am also aware that as a young person that it was a lot easier to influence me then that it would be now. So my fears are that even though she is strong willed that she might be taken advantage of, because she is young.
As a person, I made mistakes at various times throughout my life. As a result of being a flawed man who is prone to making mistakes, I cannot rely on my own knowledge. For this reason, I trust that whatever I do, that it will be the right thing. I believe that there is a purpose in everything, no matter how devastating. I am responsible for my children’s welfare and to keep them safe for as long as they are under my care. When they become of age, only then am I excused from that responsibility. I do take this seriously. Most times, I do not have the answers. I, however, do I like being challenged, but I keep on doing what I know to do. I am acutely cognizant that it is tremendously pertinent to impart to my children that no matter what they do, they will never lose my love. I also know that seeking help from professionals can offer a solution and that I have done often. I am also very much aware that to the contrary that busy bodies can inflict more harm that aid. I know that I personally never welcome unsolicited advice, not even from my mother. I get defensive at times even if my own husband questions me too much. Unless I am willing sharing, I take offense to being probed. This does not make me any more or less of a person. This is who I am, and understanding that, is being accepting of that. If my actions are embarrassing or immoral, then to save me from my own stupidity by all means correct me. Like-wise that is essentially the role parents have in the life of their children. They are supposed to be their guiding light, and at times, their moral police because at the very least we correct our children out of love. On the other hand, the police will not be as kind or tolerant especially of repeat offense. My desire for her as a parent is for her to learn from me and to feel loved and secure.
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