Difficulty with teens
As a child I was a very obedient and respectful therefore things that burden me as a parent were not a concern for my parents. They however would not accept anything less especially my father. I was very shy, quiet and indifferent to people and things that did not interest me. Even when provoked it was not always easy getting a reaction out of me. At my wedding that was one of my virtues my sister bragged about.
She said, “My sister usually says what she has to say and when she is finished she is done. She then puts whatever it is behind her and moves on.” She was telling the truth. Well on the surface at least I did not appear to hold any grudges. I say so because today I am far removed from that person especially with my family. I really do expect more from my offspring, than I do others. The dilemma is I find myself harping on the same issues over and over to the point where I find it distressing.
Not being able to move away from the same difficulties is tiresome. Today’s youth or children have rights but they fail to realize that they are not entitled to do whatever they want. It is their right to be loved, protected, given food shelter, and an education. As a part of protection come limits. If they want to venture beyond the boundaries set for them, defiance is not the way to do that. I know that the more I am tested and pushed the more resistant I am. Resistance does not necessarily get my children to obey. My strong willed self often takes over my logical side when I am disciplining them. I often start off being reasonable, meaning by having a conversation. I try to get them to view the situation the way I see it. The following incident is a typical scenario.
My 17 year old was invited to the prom by a senior. He invited her but imparted to her that she needed to pay her way. The prom was a senior and junior prom. She was a junior and therefore eligible to attend the prom.
I said to her, “Why is he asking a girl to the prom if he cannot afford to take one?”
“He does,” she said, “but he has responsibility, he cannot afford to pay for my ticket.”
“What kind of responsibility?” I asked her.
“He has to pay for his own cell phone and buy food for his horse. He also has to buy his own tux.”
“So, he has a job.” I remarked.
“Yes, he has a job,” she said.
“Then prom was a surprise expense for him?”
“No,” she said, “He just cannot afford two tickets.”
After that conversation, I told her, I would buy her a ticket for the prom and her dress as long as she promised me she was not going with him. I explained to her that I felt that he was being disrespectful to her. If that young man really wanted her by his side, he would find a way to purchase the ticket. If he could not afford the entire ticket, he should at least agree to pay a portion of her ticket. She outwardly agreed with me. In retrospect I can see it was because she wanted to go to the prom. True to her word she left our home along with her sister in her father’s convertible.
The next day was mother’s day and they made me an elaborate breakfast. At some point during the breakfast I asked them, “How was prom?”
“Oh it was lots of fun.” The girls went on to tell me all about the outfits and how the place was decorated.
“Who did you sit with?” I asked.
My 17 year old then said, “I hanged out with the (forbidden boy.)
“You mean the one I told you not to go with.”
“Yes, you said not to go with him, so I did not go with him.” “I met him there.”
This was one of those times when I said, “Do I have to tell you every single thing?”
“Do I need to spell out to you what do not to go with him means?” So I punished her by forbidding her from driving for a week.
Last week we took her sister to an orientation at the university she will be attending in the fall. I told the 17 year old no one was allowed to come to visit while we were gone. She asked if she could go to her end-of-year basketball party. I thought it only fair for her to go because she was a key member of the team.
After the party some of the girls asked her if she could give them a ride home. She happily obliged and took them home. While she was dropping the girls off she claimed she realized that she was in the neighborhood of one of the male basketball players, so she then decided to drop by.
“You said, you did not want anyone to come over here and I was bored so I decided to go there.”
Maybe I required too much by expecting the 18 year old boy to pay for her prom tickets. That however was not the issue. Obviously he was doing what his parents required of him to do. My concern was with getting my daughter to be trust-worthy and true to her word. It was vital that she kept her end of the agreement we had about that boy. When she did not I told her that this demonstrated to me that she was not to be trusted. Once trust is eroded then it would have to be earned back in order for it to be re-established.
With that I decided to by-pass her and handle things differently. I call the mother of the basketball player, whose house she visited. We both agreed that if she showed up at her house without making prior arrangements with her to visit, she would be asked to leave. If her son shows up at our place without our permission, he will be asked to leave. If I need to go out of town she will not be given permission to socialize with any of her friends or have them visit her. When she proves that she can be trusted, my confidence in her will be restored.
For now, I am thankful that there is one other parent out there who is willing to support me in this way. Without support, as difficult as I think it is being a mother of teens, it would be a lot more difficult without backing.
She said, “My sister usually says what she has to say and when she is finished she is done. She then puts whatever it is behind her and moves on.” She was telling the truth. Well on the surface at least I did not appear to hold any grudges. I say so because today I am far removed from that person especially with my family. I really do expect more from my offspring, than I do others. The dilemma is I find myself harping on the same issues over and over to the point where I find it distressing.
Not being able to move away from the same difficulties is tiresome. Today’s youth or children have rights but they fail to realize that they are not entitled to do whatever they want. It is their right to be loved, protected, given food shelter, and an education. As a part of protection come limits. If they want to venture beyond the boundaries set for them, defiance is not the way to do that. I know that the more I am tested and pushed the more resistant I am. Resistance does not necessarily get my children to obey. My strong willed self often takes over my logical side when I am disciplining them. I often start off being reasonable, meaning by having a conversation. I try to get them to view the situation the way I see it. The following incident is a typical scenario.
My 17 year old was invited to the prom by a senior. He invited her but imparted to her that she needed to pay her way. The prom was a senior and junior prom. She was a junior and therefore eligible to attend the prom.
I said to her, “Why is he asking a girl to the prom if he cannot afford to take one?”
“He does,” she said, “but he has responsibility, he cannot afford to pay for my ticket.”
“What kind of responsibility?” I asked her.
“He has to pay for his own cell phone and buy food for his horse. He also has to buy his own tux.”
“So, he has a job.” I remarked.
“Yes, he has a job,” she said.
“Then prom was a surprise expense for him?”
“No,” she said, “He just cannot afford two tickets.”
After that conversation, I told her, I would buy her a ticket for the prom and her dress as long as she promised me she was not going with him. I explained to her that I felt that he was being disrespectful to her. If that young man really wanted her by his side, he would find a way to purchase the ticket. If he could not afford the entire ticket, he should at least agree to pay a portion of her ticket. She outwardly agreed with me. In retrospect I can see it was because she wanted to go to the prom. True to her word she left our home along with her sister in her father’s convertible.
The next day was mother’s day and they made me an elaborate breakfast. At some point during the breakfast I asked them, “How was prom?”
“Oh it was lots of fun.” The girls went on to tell me all about the outfits and how the place was decorated.
“Who did you sit with?” I asked.
My 17 year old then said, “I hanged out with the (forbidden boy.)
“You mean the one I told you not to go with.”
“Yes, you said not to go with him, so I did not go with him.” “I met him there.”
This was one of those times when I said, “Do I have to tell you every single thing?”
“Do I need to spell out to you what do not to go with him means?” So I punished her by forbidding her from driving for a week.
Last week we took her sister to an orientation at the university she will be attending in the fall. I told the 17 year old no one was allowed to come to visit while we were gone. She asked if she could go to her end-of-year basketball party. I thought it only fair for her to go because she was a key member of the team.
After the party some of the girls asked her if she could give them a ride home. She happily obliged and took them home. While she was dropping the girls off she claimed she realized that she was in the neighborhood of one of the male basketball players, so she then decided to drop by.
“You said, you did not want anyone to come over here and I was bored so I decided to go there.”
Maybe I required too much by expecting the 18 year old boy to pay for her prom tickets. That however was not the issue. Obviously he was doing what his parents required of him to do. My concern was with getting my daughter to be trust-worthy and true to her word. It was vital that she kept her end of the agreement we had about that boy. When she did not I told her that this demonstrated to me that she was not to be trusted. Once trust is eroded then it would have to be earned back in order for it to be re-established.
With that I decided to by-pass her and handle things differently. I call the mother of the basketball player, whose house she visited. We both agreed that if she showed up at her house without making prior arrangements with her to visit, she would be asked to leave. If her son shows up at our place without our permission, he will be asked to leave. If I need to go out of town she will not be given permission to socialize with any of her friends or have them visit her. When she proves that she can be trusted, my confidence in her will be restored.
For now, I am thankful that there is one other parent out there who is willing to support me in this way. Without support, as difficult as I think it is being a mother of teens, it would be a lot more difficult without backing.
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