Rah Times

I only, sometimes know what drives me to write the things that I do. I convince myself that it is the perfect way of expressing myself than the alternative. I started journaling and writing poetry shortly after I got married. This is my way, apart from this I do not have a whole lot to say. I guess that makes me a different kind of girl. For me, the hidden, unspoken things have greater significance sometimes, more than the surface weighted events of life. As I took the lonesome path of a frightened girl, I was not so shy, I knew of another who walked. Hostility was no longer hostile, my sadness was a smile. That which was beneath me reluctantly I did, would gladly do if it meant, I could see your smile. Truth, fantasy, lies; all instruments that deceives a person. The truth which lies guarded within my chest I know because I have lived it, experienced it. Besides, who was there along side me to see? You are my significance, my desire, my love. The mystery of the ...

In my book fantasy controversy or my reality, I thanked my parents for protecting me from the harsh reality of life. This morning I am reconsidering those words. In keeping me sheltered, they inhibited me. As a parent, I know they did their best. I am reconsidering my words because, as a result, I was unnecessarily cautious, at times when there was no need. Then, there were times when I trusted the wrong people. To say, I was naive would be a gross exaggeration. People, I once thought as friends, as a mature person, I can now see their craftiness or self serving intentions for seeking my friendship. Although, I was aware that there were evil in his world, I failed to see error as the motivator. As I mentioned before, I was truly an obedient child. I did my best to satisfy my parents. Today, I see that as being dishonest to myself. There is no joy to be had from living to gratify others. Honoring and respecting ones parent’s is always the right thing to do. There is, however, a time w...

Today, I realized that there is no joy or reward from proving that I was right, and another was in error. All things remained the same, and the situation and circumstances did not change. If anything, it left me exhausted and even more broken hearted than I already was. If, the truth were to be made known the other party did not acknowledge any wrong doing but held fast to his own convictions. Oddly enough, in doing so, I felt that was evidence of indifference; therefore, my own actions were justified. This was actually not the best time for me to be unwavering in pursuing this futile battle. I am physically and emotionally drained from dealing with my highly demanding family. As an individual, with my own needs and desires, I was convinced I needed this to know how I would precede with life. I guess I will continue as I am persuaded. If I, however, do not think my well being to be of importance and aim for contentment and satisfaction, no one will do that for me. Most of my children...

God’s plan for salvation was to free the souls of men. In contrast religion oppresses them. When I say this I speak from personal experience. As I related before, I grew up in a highly conservative Christian environment. I was expected to carry myself in a certain manner, respond in a specific way, socialize only with people from this group and finally chose a partner with similar back ground. Being a very compliant person as much as my heart desired to do otherwise, I did as I was expected to do. Today a lot of my remorse comes from following the letter of the law and not the principle for which these things were intended. It is always right to obey ones elders and parents until one become of age. So, in so doing I did the right thing. In my home, my parents did not recognize my coming of age as independence. According to my mother a girl does not leave her parents home until she marries. When I left home at age eighteen, I left on my own. I did have my parents blessing to do so. I ...

There is a lot going on but nothing I can publicly talk about. This is one of those times when a girl needs her best friend. This reminded me of another situation pretty much like this when I needed a friend to talk to. Unfortunately, the person I chose was not having a terrific day himself. As he answered the phone, I could tell immediately that I made a mistake. The curt way in which I was received caused me to say something quite different from what I intended to convey. That day was one that I have never forgotten. Not so much because of my troubles but in the days to follow, not much seemed to have changed in his demeanor. That was what caused me to decide to turn away from him, although, I was extremely fond of him. Today, I regretted having done that. What I thought was the deal breaker for a friendship, does not seem as if it truly were. Everyone is entitled to an off day. He was openly displaying his frustration, and I also, was not being empathetic. Perhaps if, it were not ...

I believed in a loving caring God, but for the last few years, I can rightfully say that my opinion of that has changed. I know that he occasionally reveals himself in the form of a parent, a spouse or in the smile of a child. I have been a bit illusive in the things that I have written and even now I am not going to give details. I can, however, say that having a partner whose approach differs from mine and a child whose life style and choices differs has been extremely trying. Today I promise myself to let go and accept that this is the way things are and will be. I cannot change the way people relate to me or attain the things I wanted to do with my life, given these circumstances. I have tried to stay positive and not be discouraged by writing and painting and studying the word of God. While I have felt blessed by him in the past, today I feel deserted. I know that there is nothing one can do to elicit anyone's love, and I have learned that through my children, parents, and...

I believe in a loving caring God, but for the last few years, I have been unable to see him that way. I know that he occasionally demonstrates his love through a parent, a spouse or in a child- parent relationship. I have been majorly illusive in the things that I have written and even now I am not going to give details. What I will say, is that I have purposed, to stay away from him who always was and is here. I write to keep my spirit up, to stay positive, but my decision is already made. In the past, I would not only write but I would also painting and studying the word of God. While I used to feel blessed by my minute accomplishments, today I realized how foolish that was. Perhaps I did not realize it before because I took responsibility for acquiring my needs. The moment I decided that my situation was beyond me and that I needed help, then and only then did I turn to him for support. That, I would never do that again, he failed me profoundly. Whereas, it is written in the same ...