My Heart's Desire
There is a lot going on but nothing I can publicly talk about. This is one of those times when a girl needs her best friend. This reminded me of another situation pretty much like this when I needed a friend to talk to. Unfortunately, the person I chose was not having a terrific day himself. As he answered the phone, I could tell immediately that I made a mistake. The curt way in which I was received caused me to say something quite different from what I intended to convey. That day was one that I have never forgotten. Not so much because of my troubles but in the days to follow, not much seemed to have changed in his demeanor. That was what caused me to decide to turn away from him, although, I was extremely fond of him. Today, I regretted having done that. What I thought was the deal breaker for a friendship, does not seem as if it truly were.
Everyone is entitled to an off day. He was openly displaying his frustration, and I also, was not being empathetic. Perhaps if, it were not for my poor timing, things would have been different. I took it very personally and even now, I am particularly cautious with the few communications I attempted to have with him. Oddly enough, with my current difficulties, as I remembered the incident I long to discard the past and confide in him the way I wanted to. I wish to forget our childish indifference and put the past behind us and to be at ease in knowing that I would be gladly received. This, however, is my desire not necessarily a realistic possibility. My love for others was not necessarily their's for me. With time, I learned that was the case in this senerio.
I remembered how I would make such an effort not to whine and complain, for his sake and not even mine. I do not even know why I was that way with him. I experienced the same kind of frustration back then that I now sometimes feel and complain about. I was aware that I could not make him chose to listen to me or be for me what I wanted him to be. Our friendship was not about sharing each other's burden. The one day I attempted to share, I was met with indifference. He was clearly frustrated; therefore, I picked the worse time to call. I felt that he clearly communicated that the phone call was an intrusion, on my part. That was the real last thing I wanted to do. So I chose to take the message that was being transmitted and walked away. It was difficult, but I felt as if I had no other option.
With a spouse and child, however, there is a certain amount of security. I know where I stand with my husband. I know that my children love me even though they often chose to hurt me. I do still get frustrated with them, and I do not feel understood and supported by them sometimes. The difference also with my spouse is that, it is not as easy to walk away. I do shut down and turn away at times, when I feel hurt and disappointed. If I cannot get any comfort, I find that a pity party sometimes works, as well. Unfortunately at this point no one ever comes to my rescue. The role of rescuer has been mine for too long. It is precisely for this reason, I just want to stop and find rest in a friend or even my spouse.
Everyone is entitled to an off day. He was openly displaying his frustration, and I also, was not being empathetic. Perhaps if, it were not for my poor timing, things would have been different. I took it very personally and even now, I am particularly cautious with the few communications I attempted to have with him. Oddly enough, with my current difficulties, as I remembered the incident I long to discard the past and confide in him the way I wanted to. I wish to forget our childish indifference and put the past behind us and to be at ease in knowing that I would be gladly received. This, however, is my desire not necessarily a realistic possibility. My love for others was not necessarily their's for me. With time, I learned that was the case in this senerio.
I remembered how I would make such an effort not to whine and complain, for his sake and not even mine. I do not even know why I was that way with him. I experienced the same kind of frustration back then that I now sometimes feel and complain about. I was aware that I could not make him chose to listen to me or be for me what I wanted him to be. Our friendship was not about sharing each other's burden. The one day I attempted to share, I was met with indifference. He was clearly frustrated; therefore, I picked the worse time to call. I felt that he clearly communicated that the phone call was an intrusion, on my part. That was the real last thing I wanted to do. So I chose to take the message that was being transmitted and walked away. It was difficult, but I felt as if I had no other option.
With a spouse and child, however, there is a certain amount of security. I know where I stand with my husband. I know that my children love me even though they often chose to hurt me. I do still get frustrated with them, and I do not feel understood and supported by them sometimes. The difference also with my spouse is that, it is not as easy to walk away. I do shut down and turn away at times, when I feel hurt and disappointed. If I cannot get any comfort, I find that a pity party sometimes works, as well. Unfortunately at this point no one ever comes to my rescue. The role of rescuer has been mine for too long. It is precisely for this reason, I just want to stop and find rest in a friend or even my spouse.
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