A Series Of Unfortunate Events!
After I gave birth to my last child, my husband and I decided that we had to do something about acquiring a more suitable place for the size of our family. We were living in a four bedroom house that was a little less than half the size of where we are now. At first, we looked at homes for sale in the area where we lived. There were large homes, but they had no more than the same four bedrooms, we had. The exception was that they had many other areas for entertainment. With that, we decided that would not be suitable for us. We then concluded that it would be better just to purchase land, and build what we needed. While actively looking, we came across an ad. that lead us to our current location. So when our last child was ten months old, we bought the land we now live on.
At that time, it was a bit challenging paying for two places simultaneously, but we managed to pay off the land in two years. In the mean time, we discussed and researched what we needed, and the best way to accomplish it. Based on what we thought would be suitable and after meeting with contractors, we hatched a plan. My husband decided the only way we could afford the kind of house that would meet our needs, was if I became the general contractor.
Life during that time was extremely trying because I had seven small children. Four of which had various emotional and educational struggles. A large amount of my time was spent taking them to see a psychiatrist and for therapy, in addition to meeting their physical, and educational needs. They were still young, so I had to do quite a bit for them. At that time, I did not have any help with their physical care or with anything else. Once my husband decided that the feasible thing to do would be for us to build, he told me that, since I was at home not doing anything, I should be the general contractor. If, he had said, given that he had a job, and we could not afford for him to quit, then I had to do it, that would have made an enormous difference, as opposed to what was said. Given that statement and based on his past responses, I felt that he was only using me. I was not a partner in the relationship and was more like his maid servant. I felt that, he placed no value on whatever I was doing for our children. It also showed that he was totally unaware of the struggles; I faced on a daily basis, or just did not care.
Being the general contractor entailed, buying all the material that was needed to construct our home. I had to meet with contractors, get bids, and then decided who I wanted to go with. That was not the hardest part; it was keeping up with each contractor and notifying them in a timely manner concerning their start date. There were times when my husband would over rule and hired someone without my knowledge. Almost everyone that, he hired, messed up in some way, either they stole from us or did such a horrible job that caused us problems later. It was frustrating for me because I still had to keep up with the children’s needs plus our home. He went to his job every day and on weekends and some times after work he would do some of the work by himself. I also built portions of the house with the help of one of my brothers.
It took us two years to complete our house. Those two years and the months that followed was the worse years of my life. I must say the project lasted that long because I did research before we started, and decided to build a poly-steel house. Poly-steal is a process where the frame of the house is constructed out of Styrofoam, and the Styrofoam is filled with concrete and steel. I also built the frame and the frame of the roof with steel. The exterior walls took about three months to build. The interior walls and the roof frame took about nine months. The architect measured the beams based on the plans, and not the actual structure. For some reason, the structure and the dimension on the plans were not exactly the same. In my opinion, that was their error. They approached my husband, and he did not argue with them but assume the cost for that mistake. In general, he tends to take the path of no resistance, with other people but not with me. Normally, I am non-confrontational, but I have learned to defend myself when I feel that I am being taken advantage of. Our views on most things are so different and our approach, therefore, taking on a project of that enormity was truly the demise of our relationship.
For the most part, I was inundated with the care of the children, and even though he was not helping me with that, it was not a problem. Those years were literally the first time that we were forced to work on something together. It was also the first time that he was around the children other than when he sang with them. During the process of building our house, I decided I did not like him very much. I then decided that after the house was completed, I would leave. The problem was that I was physically and mentally exhausted and could not literally get up and go. I became a bit devastated as I got to see that side of him. He was harsh with both our children, and I and it continued even after we moved into our new home. It did not stop until; I sat him down and told him about how he was behaving. I then also told him that because of his behavior, I no longer wanted to be with him. He had a million excuses as to why he was behaving the way he was, but I was not buying it because at various times in the past he had been unkind to me. I will refrain from going into details.
It was at that point, that I decided to reach out to the Lord, and asked for his help. I seriously needed encouragement from someone. Although, he has ecstatic to hear from me, he was not helpful. He caused me more grief than I already had. I now sincerely regret having reached out to him. My relationship with my now husband, at times, has been polite, but not loving. It certainly did not help that he was questioning everything I told him in regard to our children's behavior. It made me feel as if he felt; I was the problem, and that, they did not have struggles. In the end, his defending them and doubting me has caused him to appear foolish. His responses resulted in us fighting because I was convinced that it was his way of saying, he did not believe what I was telling him. I would then become defensive and responded to him as I felt he did, while we were building our home. He had been unkind and inconsiderate of me, and I felt belittled and mistrusted by him, so on occasion, I dished it out too. In the last few weeks, he has realized that his oppositions have caused us grave difficulty. For that reason, he has been trying to be accommodating, except he has refused to do the one thing, I have asked of him.
When we had difficulty with my teen daughter, I believe it was the way he responded to me that caused her also to feel, I was the obstacle that stood between her and what she wanted. In addition, she felt that it was her right to do as she chose to and that I had no right to punish her. With that, she used that as her excuse for her behavior and hence made me appear no less than a monster. In doing so, I felt that her actions undermined everything I had done for her and her siblings. I was extremely hurt by it. It is only now that she has begun to realize how her folly has impacted her life.
I honestly value my name and reputation more than anything in this world. I would live under a bridge and eat garbage than to be known as a slot or a thief or even as a woman that did not care for her children. I gave up everything and invested myself into this. I cannot even walk away because I neglected my interest for the sake of theirs. Nonetheless in the last few months, I have pushed my feelings aside and have focused on her attaining wellness. All I have done for myself is applied for a few jobs, and blogged about my hurt and abandonment. I am acutely aware that I cannot do what I need to without financial help. My husband has made it quite clear that he will not undertake any such measures. I know that ultimately my father would have to make a way in order for me to do what I feel, I need to do. The more people I, however, reach out to, the more it frustrates me especially when the result of doing so is fruitless. So far, all that did was confirmed that I cannot depend on anyone but myself. It was what caused me to decide that if and when I get out of this, I would not form another partnership.
My desire is to one day return to where I was born, where people loved and treated me with respect. This is the reason, I say, I have lost a lot, and there is yet more to lose because I intend just to walk away. There is no amount of money or any love that is worth more than my dignity and integrity. The place where I was born people are poor, but they value people and here all I see is how quickly people devalue each other. I think that is what I miss the most. I have lost my significance, and I guess, I turned to the one person, I knew I once meant something to, only to find that was no longer the case. I say so because I relayed to him one of the events that I was very hurt by during the course of building this house. Even with hearing that, he still refused me help.
My husband had given me the list of doors needed for our home. I took the list to the supplier. There was a particular door that he wanted, in a specific style, that was not available. They might have relayed to me that they did not have that one particular door in that style. With that, I made the choice to purchase, whatever style it came in. I made a choice without his approval and forgot to tell him. When they delivered the doors, my husband immediately noticed that it was not what he specified. Instead of having the delivery person return it, he took it without saying anything. After the delivery truck left, he loaded the steel door in our van.
He then turned to me and said, "Now you take it back and get exactly, what I wanted." I did not respond. Instead, I took it and placed it in the garage at our old home. The way he handled the situation was disrespectful and humiliating to me. I was too exhausted to fight, but I was not going to give in to his demands either. This is one of the many instances that lead to the demise of our marriage. It was that kind of hurt that lead me to turn to my friend. For this precise reason, I have said all that I have and have arrived at specific conclusions. No matter how many times any of these ever tell me that they care for me, I will never believe that they do. Even if I am here to understand, I have had what I have concluded to be unnecessary sufferings. Anyone who does not know better can say that the Lord loves and cares for me but again, those words would be based on their own ignorance.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
At that time, it was a bit challenging paying for two places simultaneously, but we managed to pay off the land in two years. In the mean time, we discussed and researched what we needed, and the best way to accomplish it. Based on what we thought would be suitable and after meeting with contractors, we hatched a plan. My husband decided the only way we could afford the kind of house that would meet our needs, was if I became the general contractor.
Life during that time was extremely trying because I had seven small children. Four of which had various emotional and educational struggles. A large amount of my time was spent taking them to see a psychiatrist and for therapy, in addition to meeting their physical, and educational needs. They were still young, so I had to do quite a bit for them. At that time, I did not have any help with their physical care or with anything else. Once my husband decided that the feasible thing to do would be for us to build, he told me that, since I was at home not doing anything, I should be the general contractor. If, he had said, given that he had a job, and we could not afford for him to quit, then I had to do it, that would have made an enormous difference, as opposed to what was said. Given that statement and based on his past responses, I felt that he was only using me. I was not a partner in the relationship and was more like his maid servant. I felt that, he placed no value on whatever I was doing for our children. It also showed that he was totally unaware of the struggles; I faced on a daily basis, or just did not care.
Being the general contractor entailed, buying all the material that was needed to construct our home. I had to meet with contractors, get bids, and then decided who I wanted to go with. That was not the hardest part; it was keeping up with each contractor and notifying them in a timely manner concerning their start date. There were times when my husband would over rule and hired someone without my knowledge. Almost everyone that, he hired, messed up in some way, either they stole from us or did such a horrible job that caused us problems later. It was frustrating for me because I still had to keep up with the children’s needs plus our home. He went to his job every day and on weekends and some times after work he would do some of the work by himself. I also built portions of the house with the help of one of my brothers.
It took us two years to complete our house. Those two years and the months that followed was the worse years of my life. I must say the project lasted that long because I did research before we started, and decided to build a poly-steel house. Poly-steal is a process where the frame of the house is constructed out of Styrofoam, and the Styrofoam is filled with concrete and steel. I also built the frame and the frame of the roof with steel. The exterior walls took about three months to build. The interior walls and the roof frame took about nine months. The architect measured the beams based on the plans, and not the actual structure. For some reason, the structure and the dimension on the plans were not exactly the same. In my opinion, that was their error. They approached my husband, and he did not argue with them but assume the cost for that mistake. In general, he tends to take the path of no resistance, with other people but not with me. Normally, I am non-confrontational, but I have learned to defend myself when I feel that I am being taken advantage of. Our views on most things are so different and our approach, therefore, taking on a project of that enormity was truly the demise of our relationship.
For the most part, I was inundated with the care of the children, and even though he was not helping me with that, it was not a problem. Those years were literally the first time that we were forced to work on something together. It was also the first time that he was around the children other than when he sang with them. During the process of building our house, I decided I did not like him very much. I then decided that after the house was completed, I would leave. The problem was that I was physically and mentally exhausted and could not literally get up and go. I became a bit devastated as I got to see that side of him. He was harsh with both our children, and I and it continued even after we moved into our new home. It did not stop until; I sat him down and told him about how he was behaving. I then also told him that because of his behavior, I no longer wanted to be with him. He had a million excuses as to why he was behaving the way he was, but I was not buying it because at various times in the past he had been unkind to me. I will refrain from going into details.
It was at that point, that I decided to reach out to the Lord, and asked for his help. I seriously needed encouragement from someone. Although, he has ecstatic to hear from me, he was not helpful. He caused me more grief than I already had. I now sincerely regret having reached out to him. My relationship with my now husband, at times, has been polite, but not loving. It certainly did not help that he was questioning everything I told him in regard to our children's behavior. It made me feel as if he felt; I was the problem, and that, they did not have struggles. In the end, his defending them and doubting me has caused him to appear foolish. His responses resulted in us fighting because I was convinced that it was his way of saying, he did not believe what I was telling him. I would then become defensive and responded to him as I felt he did, while we were building our home. He had been unkind and inconsiderate of me, and I felt belittled and mistrusted by him, so on occasion, I dished it out too. In the last few weeks, he has realized that his oppositions have caused us grave difficulty. For that reason, he has been trying to be accommodating, except he has refused to do the one thing, I have asked of him.
When we had difficulty with my teen daughter, I believe it was the way he responded to me that caused her also to feel, I was the obstacle that stood between her and what she wanted. In addition, she felt that it was her right to do as she chose to and that I had no right to punish her. With that, she used that as her excuse for her behavior and hence made me appear no less than a monster. In doing so, I felt that her actions undermined everything I had done for her and her siblings. I was extremely hurt by it. It is only now that she has begun to realize how her folly has impacted her life.
I honestly value my name and reputation more than anything in this world. I would live under a bridge and eat garbage than to be known as a slot or a thief or even as a woman that did not care for her children. I gave up everything and invested myself into this. I cannot even walk away because I neglected my interest for the sake of theirs. Nonetheless in the last few months, I have pushed my feelings aside and have focused on her attaining wellness. All I have done for myself is applied for a few jobs, and blogged about my hurt and abandonment. I am acutely aware that I cannot do what I need to without financial help. My husband has made it quite clear that he will not undertake any such measures. I know that ultimately my father would have to make a way in order for me to do what I feel, I need to do. The more people I, however, reach out to, the more it frustrates me especially when the result of doing so is fruitless. So far, all that did was confirmed that I cannot depend on anyone but myself. It was what caused me to decide that if and when I get out of this, I would not form another partnership.
My desire is to one day return to where I was born, where people loved and treated me with respect. This is the reason, I say, I have lost a lot, and there is yet more to lose because I intend just to walk away. There is no amount of money or any love that is worth more than my dignity and integrity. The place where I was born people are poor, but they value people and here all I see is how quickly people devalue each other. I think that is what I miss the most. I have lost my significance, and I guess, I turned to the one person, I knew I once meant something to, only to find that was no longer the case. I say so because I relayed to him one of the events that I was very hurt by during the course of building this house. Even with hearing that, he still refused me help.
My husband had given me the list of doors needed for our home. I took the list to the supplier. There was a particular door that he wanted, in a specific style, that was not available. They might have relayed to me that they did not have that one particular door in that style. With that, I made the choice to purchase, whatever style it came in. I made a choice without his approval and forgot to tell him. When they delivered the doors, my husband immediately noticed that it was not what he specified. Instead of having the delivery person return it, he took it without saying anything. After the delivery truck left, he loaded the steel door in our van.
He then turned to me and said, "Now you take it back and get exactly, what I wanted." I did not respond. Instead, I took it and placed it in the garage at our old home. The way he handled the situation was disrespectful and humiliating to me. I was too exhausted to fight, but I was not going to give in to his demands either. This is one of the many instances that lead to the demise of our marriage. It was that kind of hurt that lead me to turn to my friend. For this precise reason, I have said all that I have and have arrived at specific conclusions. No matter how many times any of these ever tell me that they care for me, I will never believe that they do. Even if I am here to understand, I have had what I have concluded to be unnecessary sufferings. Anyone who does not know better can say that the Lord loves and cares for me but again, those words would be based on their own ignorance.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
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