Justification!
On occasion on a Sunday morning, I am usually in a place of worship. I find the singing which is a form of devotion quite enjoyable. After the singing is over, I tussle with the rest of the service which is the teaching or the preaching. The reason for my struggle is because of the inaccuracies in what is being taught as truths.
In the past, I diligently attended bible studies and most of those studies had a discussion aspect to it. During most of those, I actively participated imparting my opinion. Unfortunately, it has gotten to the point where if I were to be totally honest, it would appear as if my convictions were a totally different doctrine. The truth is that I have lost my desire to worship but only do so for the sake of my children. The purpose of my life was never about my pleasing myself, but was for the benefit of others; hence I continue to do some things solely for the sake of others.
I am as equally as guilty of having all human reaction, even with understanding my purpose. Given all that I had experience had it not been for the last few weeks, I was still struggling with identify with some human behavior. At this very moment, I can say, that has changed. I had expressed all that I had based on the effect that certain events had on me at the time of my writing. As with any other individual, I had dreams and ideals. I did not get to achieve some of my dreams but to me those things are trivial. I struggled more with the fact that the Lord chose to marry another and to turn his back on me. It is not until he has accomplished his earthly goals that he will then chose to be apart of my life.
I am the embodiment of certain human beings; and they have suffered certain injustices in this life. Therefore, I feel that God should have chosen not to have done this in the same manner as men have for centuries. I also know that, as God, his motives are different. I cannot change the way things were laid out, and I am not responsible for the way he has chosen to do this. All I can do is voice my opinion and my reaction to it all. I do understand the reason behind all these things, but I have sincerely taken on the plight of others; therefore, the hurt I feel parallel those that suffered these atrocities. Although, the reason maybe to condemn that behavior and not to justify it, yet it has created an enormous stumbling block for me.
Given my present earthly form this is not honoring to me but extremely hurtful and humiliating. That has caused me more grief than anything that I have experienced in this life. It has caused me to struggle with being here and has made me feel so unloved by the creator. This does not mean that he does not love me; just that whatever he is doing is of more significance than my comfort. It maybe his way of saying, I am putting my beloved through this in order that we may fully understand, and can then extend compassion to those that has suffered these things. For I have experienced suffering in the same manner that many have suffered, and in doing so, the responses of others maybe justified. The way the Father loves and the extent he would go to, in order to justify men is painful to both his servants. Hence in a previous blog, I have compared my situation to a master who established relations with a slave, only after his wife, deserted him.
I fully understand that we both came here for the same purpose which was to identify with man’s struggle. I am also full aware that together we could not achieve what we did separately. Therefore, there is a lot more as to why, I came to feel the way I do. As I struggled with my marriage and my children, I prayed about my situation. I felt unappreciated, despite all the efforts, I had given my union. I was serving my husband and my children but did not feel loved or appreciated by them. Neither did I have anything in my life for most years that validated me as a being. My aspirations and desires were pushed aside, and all I was doing was what was expedient for everyone else but me. It got to the point where I was literally empty.
I prayed to the Lord for seven years and instead of things getting better it got worse. I took it upon myself knowing that the Lord is here in the flesh to ask him. I know that he knows who and what I am, but for reasons unknown to me, he chose to respond to me by cursing me and calling me delusional. I am not delusional by a long stretch. I have revealed myself to several people, and I know the truth within myself. It was as a direct result of his response that I began to see him no different from my current husband. That was when I started to look back and saw that he was never truly there for me. That even in helping me in the past, he was doing so for his own benefit. I read the scriptures in order to know how my life will transpire. I see that Isaiah says that I will not be ashamed. He would not have said that had I not felt that the circumstances were shameful. I know in that moment if I am not ashamed it would be because I submitted. Not that I would be happy because the situation is turning out to be extremely disgraceful based on my ideals. The only thing I can do at this moment is to push this aside, because if I do not, then life would become unbearably hopeless for me.
I honestly feel that the things and ways by which he has promise to bless me does not make up for the hurts and what I find offensive. Again, I have voiced these things, and I have expressed my hurt, and desires, and that is all I can do. At this moment in time, I am here like everyone else, in that it is not I that determine the course of life. If I did, I would have chosen to satisfy myself and would not have given myself such a difficult path. No matter the reason behind these things, his reaction was inappropriate and unnecessary and the main source of my struggle. Psalm 45 bear testimony to what I have written here and is a literal prophetic text and not a symbolic one.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
In the past, I diligently attended bible studies and most of those studies had a discussion aspect to it. During most of those, I actively participated imparting my opinion. Unfortunately, it has gotten to the point where if I were to be totally honest, it would appear as if my convictions were a totally different doctrine. The truth is that I have lost my desire to worship but only do so for the sake of my children. The purpose of my life was never about my pleasing myself, but was for the benefit of others; hence I continue to do some things solely for the sake of others.
I am as equally as guilty of having all human reaction, even with understanding my purpose. Given all that I had experience had it not been for the last few weeks, I was still struggling with identify with some human behavior. At this very moment, I can say, that has changed. I had expressed all that I had based on the effect that certain events had on me at the time of my writing. As with any other individual, I had dreams and ideals. I did not get to achieve some of my dreams but to me those things are trivial. I struggled more with the fact that the Lord chose to marry another and to turn his back on me. It is not until he has accomplished his earthly goals that he will then chose to be apart of my life.
I am the embodiment of certain human beings; and they have suffered certain injustices in this life. Therefore, I feel that God should have chosen not to have done this in the same manner as men have for centuries. I also know that, as God, his motives are different. I cannot change the way things were laid out, and I am not responsible for the way he has chosen to do this. All I can do is voice my opinion and my reaction to it all. I do understand the reason behind all these things, but I have sincerely taken on the plight of others; therefore, the hurt I feel parallel those that suffered these atrocities. Although, the reason maybe to condemn that behavior and not to justify it, yet it has created an enormous stumbling block for me.
Given my present earthly form this is not honoring to me but extremely hurtful and humiliating. That has caused me more grief than anything that I have experienced in this life. It has caused me to struggle with being here and has made me feel so unloved by the creator. This does not mean that he does not love me; just that whatever he is doing is of more significance than my comfort. It maybe his way of saying, I am putting my beloved through this in order that we may fully understand, and can then extend compassion to those that has suffered these things. For I have experienced suffering in the same manner that many have suffered, and in doing so, the responses of others maybe justified. The way the Father loves and the extent he would go to, in order to justify men is painful to both his servants. Hence in a previous blog, I have compared my situation to a master who established relations with a slave, only after his wife, deserted him.
I fully understand that we both came here for the same purpose which was to identify with man’s struggle. I am also full aware that together we could not achieve what we did separately. Therefore, there is a lot more as to why, I came to feel the way I do. As I struggled with my marriage and my children, I prayed about my situation. I felt unappreciated, despite all the efforts, I had given my union. I was serving my husband and my children but did not feel loved or appreciated by them. Neither did I have anything in my life for most years that validated me as a being. My aspirations and desires were pushed aside, and all I was doing was what was expedient for everyone else but me. It got to the point where I was literally empty.
I prayed to the Lord for seven years and instead of things getting better it got worse. I took it upon myself knowing that the Lord is here in the flesh to ask him. I know that he knows who and what I am, but for reasons unknown to me, he chose to respond to me by cursing me and calling me delusional. I am not delusional by a long stretch. I have revealed myself to several people, and I know the truth within myself. It was as a direct result of his response that I began to see him no different from my current husband. That was when I started to look back and saw that he was never truly there for me. That even in helping me in the past, he was doing so for his own benefit. I read the scriptures in order to know how my life will transpire. I see that Isaiah says that I will not be ashamed. He would not have said that had I not felt that the circumstances were shameful. I know in that moment if I am not ashamed it would be because I submitted. Not that I would be happy because the situation is turning out to be extremely disgraceful based on my ideals. The only thing I can do at this moment is to push this aside, because if I do not, then life would become unbearably hopeless for me.
I honestly feel that the things and ways by which he has promise to bless me does not make up for the hurts and what I find offensive. Again, I have voiced these things, and I have expressed my hurt, and desires, and that is all I can do. At this moment in time, I am here like everyone else, in that it is not I that determine the course of life. If I did, I would have chosen to satisfy myself and would not have given myself such a difficult path. No matter the reason behind these things, his reaction was inappropriate and unnecessary and the main source of my struggle. Psalm 45 bear testimony to what I have written here and is a literal prophetic text and not a symbolic one.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
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