Heal Me!
I have had three breast biopsies within a year. So far the last two has been negative, and that gave me a tremendous amount of reassurance. Today was my six months follow up, and I had an idea of how things would go. First, I had a mammogram, followed by the news of my needing an ultrasound, told to me, by a technician that appeared reluctant to deliver the message. It did not phase me any and even as the radiologist tried to tell me that this mass was different from the others. I argued with her that this too was of no significance just like the others but agreed to the biopsy.
The doctors seemed way more adamant than they typically had been in the past. I tried my best for it not to upset me. I remained calm through the entire procedure, but became upset after I left the hospital. I knew that the doctors were only doing their jobs and that they were only expressing their concerns. So that was not what caused me to become upset.
As I drove to my next stop, I thought about all the things, I believe to be true. I know that I am here to experience the things that men are strongly affected by. I knew that, the human body is made up of cells and some times cells multiply erratically, causing cancer. My body like every other person is also prone to those things, with that; I have to take all the same precautions and interventions. I am plagued by all the same daily nuances and frustrations. I, however, feel like an outsider, although I was placed in a family and have one that I take care of. In both scenarios, those I was placed with were often not there when I needed them most. In my current family, I do for my husband, and children and I feel that is the extent of the family dynamics.
In the past, I have also faced some difficult challenges alone. It saddened me then also, but I was able to move on and leave all that behind me. On some levels, I feel that all is justified because I am not totally related to any of them. I guess for that reason at some point I stopped and turned to the one that is more like me. When he also failed me like everyone else, it gave clarity as to why life seems more like a long, arduous journey for me. Today, as I once again contemplated these things, I was extremely distressed. The truth is I feel that he truly does not care about my current struggles. Although, I feel that he is the only being I have any kind of connection with, I know it would be self defeating to reach-out to him in my hour of need.
The person that is truly supposed to be supporting me at this time in my life should be my husband. Yet, he has never truly been emotionally supportive of me. I, therefore, typically do not share these things with him. He is currently out of town and for whatever reason, every time I have had one of these procedures, he has been out of town. The regular doctor that normally over sees my procedure did not see me today; instead, they sent in the director of that department. That in its self unnerved me.
I seriously do not know what it is that I would do, if I require other medical intervention. Perhaps I may not have any other choice but to tell my husband, but honestly do not want to. I feel that his indifference will cause me to feel a lot worse than I do right at this moment. I know that I can arrange quality medical care, if I need it. It is more comforting to have emotional support, and I am terribly aware of that, hence my distress. The last few months of difficulty we had with our daughter was distressing enough and getting my husband to come along side me. At this precise moment in time, I do not need any more conflict. This is why, I am a little unhappy about this. I promise myself to do my best and to maintain my composer and to handle this like the strong person I am. Which means, I will not run to my mother or call or write anyone, if my father wanted me to have earthly support, I am sure, he would have provided that for me.
I know that I have said several times that I am alone, and it is days like these that have caused me to feel that way. I also know that I have friends that would gladly be there, but it is not the same. After all this is not the first time, I had to deal with a tough situation alone. I know that I will not turn my back on myself and if I am not enough then so let it be.
Heal Me
The doctors seemed way more adamant than they typically had been in the past. I tried my best for it not to upset me. I remained calm through the entire procedure, but became upset after I left the hospital. I knew that the doctors were only doing their jobs and that they were only expressing their concerns. So that was not what caused me to become upset.
As I drove to my next stop, I thought about all the things, I believe to be true. I know that I am here to experience the things that men are strongly affected by. I knew that, the human body is made up of cells and some times cells multiply erratically, causing cancer. My body like every other person is also prone to those things, with that; I have to take all the same precautions and interventions. I am plagued by all the same daily nuances and frustrations. I, however, feel like an outsider, although I was placed in a family and have one that I take care of. In both scenarios, those I was placed with were often not there when I needed them most. In my current family, I do for my husband, and children and I feel that is the extent of the family dynamics.
In the past, I have also faced some difficult challenges alone. It saddened me then also, but I was able to move on and leave all that behind me. On some levels, I feel that all is justified because I am not totally related to any of them. I guess for that reason at some point I stopped and turned to the one that is more like me. When he also failed me like everyone else, it gave clarity as to why life seems more like a long, arduous journey for me. Today, as I once again contemplated these things, I was extremely distressed. The truth is I feel that he truly does not care about my current struggles. Although, I feel that he is the only being I have any kind of connection with, I know it would be self defeating to reach-out to him in my hour of need.
The person that is truly supposed to be supporting me at this time in my life should be my husband. Yet, he has never truly been emotionally supportive of me. I, therefore, typically do not share these things with him. He is currently out of town and for whatever reason, every time I have had one of these procedures, he has been out of town. The regular doctor that normally over sees my procedure did not see me today; instead, they sent in the director of that department. That in its self unnerved me.
I seriously do not know what it is that I would do, if I require other medical intervention. Perhaps I may not have any other choice but to tell my husband, but honestly do not want to. I feel that his indifference will cause me to feel a lot worse than I do right at this moment. I know that I can arrange quality medical care, if I need it. It is more comforting to have emotional support, and I am terribly aware of that, hence my distress. The last few months of difficulty we had with our daughter was distressing enough and getting my husband to come along side me. At this precise moment in time, I do not need any more conflict. This is why, I am a little unhappy about this. I promise myself to do my best and to maintain my composer and to handle this like the strong person I am. Which means, I will not run to my mother or call or write anyone, if my father wanted me to have earthly support, I am sure, he would have provided that for me.
I know that I have said several times that I am alone, and it is days like these that have caused me to feel that way. I also know that I have friends that would gladly be there, but it is not the same. After all this is not the first time, I had to deal with a tough situation alone. I know that I will not turn my back on myself and if I am not enough then so let it be.
Heal Me
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