I am So Convinced!
Unconditional love and acceptance in my opinion is the greatest gift that one life can bestow on another. In my experience from living in this country and abroad and traveling and interacting with different people from all walks of life, I found that it is a lot easier for the less fortunate to love unconditionally. This is one of the reasons; I enjoyed volunteering my time to help with missions. I especially appreciate the way; I have been received in the past. I have friends and family that I interact with here, yet whatever it was that I experienced when interacting with those, I served was a lot different. Perhaps it was because their love was all they have to give, so they willingly gave it. Or it could also be that they knew that I expected nothing in return. I think it ironic that I am more comfortable in the company of the neediest of human beings than those that are wealthy, or of similar economic status as myself.
When people have a lot of possession, I believe it becomes a hindrance. They are often guarded, and I think prudently so. Although, I can understand, how being different can cause a person to feel the need to protect one self because for the most of my life, I was truly highly guarded, just not for the same reasons as one of substance. I had nothing to lose, but wanted to be love, not for who I was connected to as a person or being, hence my walls. The sad part is that based on my experience I now prefer people of lesser means than I do affluent ones. Perhaps that is because my purpose was to see their trouble. I also realized that, for the ones that genuinely trust God, they have a childlike faith that is truly refreshing. In addition, I think I am not so tolerant of repeated human folly.
I have been thinking a lot on these things and about the direction that I would like to take. I had to consider the past and my experiences to understand myself and to know when I felt loved, and if not, what I believe the issues were. I was happiest when I was by myself and serving others. I was lonely and longed for companionship, but that brought me a world of trouble. I can appreciate all my friendships and even marriage and my partner desertion of me because I learned from all these things. I do not think what I have learned was ever the lesson that any individuals intended to impart to me, but intentions and result some times differ. As guarded as I was, I believed I still trusted the wrong people. I am still terribly confused about that. I certainly do not understand why the Lord had proven himself to be so untrustworthy, when it came to me. I know that there are many that would be up in arms about this statement. He has been faithful to many, but not to me, and this is my personal testimony.
I was told that my life and circumstances will soon change and how life will transition for me in the next year. While apart of me, long for change, a greater part, just want to hide because I feel, things will still not be ideal. I believe there is a time to build, a time to reap, a time to be finished, and for me, I believe that time is now. I sincerely do not want the frustration that comes from having a spouse and young children again. In the past, I trusted God to provide me with the right person for me, based on the events of my marriage I would say that did not happen. With that, I have learned I cannot depend on him or trust that his choices are in my best interest. I feel that as much as I enjoy the company of others, that my first instinct to keep my distance from men was better. The things that I chose to do are the things that made me happy, not people and what they do or accomplish. So the one thing I know about the future is that whatever I decide, I need to continue to do what fulfills me. Another person should not be in charge of my happiness because they will always chose to do what makes them happy not me.
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When people have a lot of possession, I believe it becomes a hindrance. They are often guarded, and I think prudently so. Although, I can understand, how being different can cause a person to feel the need to protect one self because for the most of my life, I was truly highly guarded, just not for the same reasons as one of substance. I had nothing to lose, but wanted to be love, not for who I was connected to as a person or being, hence my walls. The sad part is that based on my experience I now prefer people of lesser means than I do affluent ones. Perhaps that is because my purpose was to see their trouble. I also realized that, for the ones that genuinely trust God, they have a childlike faith that is truly refreshing. In addition, I think I am not so tolerant of repeated human folly.
I have been thinking a lot on these things and about the direction that I would like to take. I had to consider the past and my experiences to understand myself and to know when I felt loved, and if not, what I believe the issues were. I was happiest when I was by myself and serving others. I was lonely and longed for companionship, but that brought me a world of trouble. I can appreciate all my friendships and even marriage and my partner desertion of me because I learned from all these things. I do not think what I have learned was ever the lesson that any individuals intended to impart to me, but intentions and result some times differ. As guarded as I was, I believed I still trusted the wrong people. I am still terribly confused about that. I certainly do not understand why the Lord had proven himself to be so untrustworthy, when it came to me. I know that there are many that would be up in arms about this statement. He has been faithful to many, but not to me, and this is my personal testimony.
I was told that my life and circumstances will soon change and how life will transition for me in the next year. While apart of me, long for change, a greater part, just want to hide because I feel, things will still not be ideal. I believe there is a time to build, a time to reap, a time to be finished, and for me, I believe that time is now. I sincerely do not want the frustration that comes from having a spouse and young children again. In the past, I trusted God to provide me with the right person for me, based on the events of my marriage I would say that did not happen. With that, I have learned I cannot depend on him or trust that his choices are in my best interest. I feel that as much as I enjoy the company of others, that my first instinct to keep my distance from men was better. The things that I chose to do are the things that made me happy, not people and what they do or accomplish. So the one thing I know about the future is that whatever I decide, I need to continue to do what fulfills me. Another person should not be in charge of my happiness because they will always chose to do what makes them happy not me.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
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