Difficult Day!
Today, I find myself in an extremely difficult position. I am only here because I cannot afford to live on my own. My relationship with my husband has changed, and I feel that I am at his mercy. Whatever I had or came into the marriage with was used up and whatever we possess is in his name or community property. There is nothing set aside for my personal use. If I want or need something, I have to ask or consult him, if not, I have to do without. That is extremely difficult for me, not that he refuses me anything, but the having to ask. I would prefer to earn my keep than to be in what I consider a humiliating position.
A relative of mine died last night, and I feel horrible today. I cannot with a clear conscience ask for anything other than what is essential. The relative who died in California, normally reside in Belize and will be buried there. I want to be there for my cousins but going over seas is not essential to my existence. It may give comfort to me, but then again, I have been conflicted and not comforted for an awful long time. Another distressing moment is of no significant for the one who sent me or anyone. I know my presence would make a world of difference to others, but obviously that is not relevant either. I think it is wrong that I am in this position, and I certainly do not understand, why I am being allowed to be subjected to this. Neither do I understand how the one that was my partner for all of my existence could simply, not care. If anyone does not understand, how this betrayal has caused me not to care about any future promises, this is partly the reason. I desire nothing, but to walk away. Neither is there anything that can compensate me for all the grief that has been inflicted on me. Apart of me wanted who and what I am to be known, but that is insignificant in comparison to my desire to be free. I was once willing to take the blame for the demise of my marriage, if that meant, I would have gotten to walk away. Now that everything I have worked for have been destroyed, there is no point in holding unto my identity. Who and what I am, obviously, is not of any significance. It is just one of many things that I have lost.
How would you feel if someone were to say to you, that only when you had something that the world saw as being valuable, would they acknowledge you? For as long as you had challenges, what if a person hid from you, would you feel loved by that person? As long as you needed their assistance, what if they refused to associate with you, and literally cursed you, would you partner with such a person? Well that is the situation, the extent of my betrayal. I generally do not hold a grudge and do not love people for what and who they are but because I am attracted to them. The one thing I cannot do is make people love me. Neither do I want to be with a person whose sole intentions seem to me as if it is only to use me. So far in my experience on earth, the people that one would think ought to have loved me, I do not feel loved by them but used. These things were never relevant to me until I realized that the one that I belong to was no different from any of these. With the current situation, I am acutely aware of these things. The reason, I once compared my situation to that of a master who only chose to be with his slave after he is deserted by his chosen bride. That is what Isaiah 54 is about, and the promises. Isaiah, however wrote from his perspective, and does not go into detail. These journals are of how deeply I have been hurt by his desertion and the ways in which he deserted me.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
A relative of mine died last night, and I feel horrible today. I cannot with a clear conscience ask for anything other than what is essential. The relative who died in California, normally reside in Belize and will be buried there. I want to be there for my cousins but going over seas is not essential to my existence. It may give comfort to me, but then again, I have been conflicted and not comforted for an awful long time. Another distressing moment is of no significant for the one who sent me or anyone. I know my presence would make a world of difference to others, but obviously that is not relevant either. I think it is wrong that I am in this position, and I certainly do not understand, why I am being allowed to be subjected to this. Neither do I understand how the one that was my partner for all of my existence could simply, not care. If anyone does not understand, how this betrayal has caused me not to care about any future promises, this is partly the reason. I desire nothing, but to walk away. Neither is there anything that can compensate me for all the grief that has been inflicted on me. Apart of me wanted who and what I am to be known, but that is insignificant in comparison to my desire to be free. I was once willing to take the blame for the demise of my marriage, if that meant, I would have gotten to walk away. Now that everything I have worked for have been destroyed, there is no point in holding unto my identity. Who and what I am, obviously, is not of any significance. It is just one of many things that I have lost.
How would you feel if someone were to say to you, that only when you had something that the world saw as being valuable, would they acknowledge you? For as long as you had challenges, what if a person hid from you, would you feel loved by that person? As long as you needed their assistance, what if they refused to associate with you, and literally cursed you, would you partner with such a person? Well that is the situation, the extent of my betrayal. I generally do not hold a grudge and do not love people for what and who they are but because I am attracted to them. The one thing I cannot do is make people love me. Neither do I want to be with a person whose sole intentions seem to me as if it is only to use me. So far in my experience on earth, the people that one would think ought to have loved me, I do not feel loved by them but used. These things were never relevant to me until I realized that the one that I belong to was no different from any of these. With the current situation, I am acutely aware of these things. The reason, I once compared my situation to that of a master who only chose to be with his slave after he is deserted by his chosen bride. That is what Isaiah 54 is about, and the promises. Isaiah, however wrote from his perspective, and does not go into detail. These journals are of how deeply I have been hurt by his desertion and the ways in which he deserted me.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
Comments
Post a Comment