Conflicted
I am so overwhelmingly concerned about my daughter that is mentally ill. As a parent, it is difficult to accept certain truths about a child. If she had a physical illness, it would be a lot easier for me to grasps. Yet the fact remains and as much as I do not want to believe that the cause of her behavior is mental illness that is the way it is. I know that I have said so in my writings, but I was still struggling to believe it.
Yet apart of me remain frightened because, in the past, her behavior placed me in harms way. I think my concerns have increased slightly over the last few weeks because while interacting with her I have not seen any improvement in specific areas. After reviewing her updated treatment plan, I saw where it was documented that she is still struggling with hearing me. As her adopted mother, I represent the mother that abandoned her. In addition, she sees me also as the obstacle that's preventing her from doing what she wants to. As she deals with her issues and resentment, she directs her misgivings at me. This has caused me to feel unsafe. Currently, she has only been verbally lashing out at me.
My husband has never taken my complaints to heart. His views differ from mine when it comes to any of the children. While I look ahead and anticipate problems, he does not. In the past, he waited until he could see tangible evidence before he reacted. Unfortunately in the last year and a half my concerns have been validated many times. Hence I think it is crucial that I do not sit around and wait for my fears to become a reality. If I can leave home and be on my own at 18, I should be able to defend myself at this stage.
I know that I have been hinting that something is wrong, but have not been going into details, and this is what it is. I have been going back and forth with what I want to do because I have been trying to get a job first. Oddly enough I heard from a job I did not even apply to. Of all the hospitals, I applied to, from reading the mission statement of this place; it would seem as if this job would be more in line with what I prefer.
I do have some concerns because I have not worked in sixteen years. I am also concerned about my younger children but have to come to terms with the reality that there is nothing I can do about those concerns. I am also a bit troubled because I have had paid employment for a relatively short period in comparison to the years I have not.
When I first left home at eighteen years of age, I was extremely apprehensive. Some how I over came my fears and did well with little assistance. It is different this time because I have minor children. I cannot take my children with me because I have no idea how things will turn out. I am a thinker, and as I consider my actions I am writing about them. I requested a tour of the facility in about a week from today. School is about to start, and I want to take care of these children’s needs before my own. In many ways, I do not believe them to in any kind of danger. It is just extremely difficult to leave them behind.
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Yet apart of me remain frightened because, in the past, her behavior placed me in harms way. I think my concerns have increased slightly over the last few weeks because while interacting with her I have not seen any improvement in specific areas. After reviewing her updated treatment plan, I saw where it was documented that she is still struggling with hearing me. As her adopted mother, I represent the mother that abandoned her. In addition, she sees me also as the obstacle that's preventing her from doing what she wants to. As she deals with her issues and resentment, she directs her misgivings at me. This has caused me to feel unsafe. Currently, she has only been verbally lashing out at me.
My husband has never taken my complaints to heart. His views differ from mine when it comes to any of the children. While I look ahead and anticipate problems, he does not. In the past, he waited until he could see tangible evidence before he reacted. Unfortunately in the last year and a half my concerns have been validated many times. Hence I think it is crucial that I do not sit around and wait for my fears to become a reality. If I can leave home and be on my own at 18, I should be able to defend myself at this stage.
I know that I have been hinting that something is wrong, but have not been going into details, and this is what it is. I have been going back and forth with what I want to do because I have been trying to get a job first. Oddly enough I heard from a job I did not even apply to. Of all the hospitals, I applied to, from reading the mission statement of this place; it would seem as if this job would be more in line with what I prefer.
I do have some concerns because I have not worked in sixteen years. I am also concerned about my younger children but have to come to terms with the reality that there is nothing I can do about those concerns. I am also a bit troubled because I have had paid employment for a relatively short period in comparison to the years I have not.
Life has always had it challenges. Having such a large family has not been as problematic as the persistent difficulties of having children with special needs, that is what made life particularly cumbersome. Yet in many ways, I enjoyed being at home and all the opportunities I had as a direct result of that. I am fully aware that there are totally different rewards from having paid employment. Paid employment can be frustrating and gratifying in a lot of ways, so my fear is not about working. It is the uncertainty, the difficulty of leaving the comfort of my home.
When I first left home at eighteen years of age, I was extremely apprehensive. Some how I over came my fears and did well with little assistance. It is different this time because I have minor children. I cannot take my children with me because I have no idea how things will turn out. I am a thinker, and as I consider my actions I am writing about them. I requested a tour of the facility in about a week from today. School is about to start, and I want to take care of these children’s needs before my own. In many ways, I do not believe them to in any kind of danger. It is just extremely difficult to leave them behind.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
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