Realization
It is a fantastic feeling to have one bright day after having ten horrible ones. It was not so much what was happening in my days that made them horrible, but the internal struggles, I had. I just could not reconcile with having not healed my daughter’s mind. I was disappointed. The worse part was that, I saw my husband as the obstacle but a highly necessary figure in her life. The reason I saw him as an obstacle was because he accepted, whatever she says as truth, and many times, she was not telling the truth. It felt to me at times, that he was accepting her words over mine. The reason I felt that way was because, he would question every thing I told him about all our children, even this child. Even after knowing she had a pattern of making poor choices. I interrupted his questioning me, to mean that he did not believe what I was telling him. I felt that both the child and I saw this as his being supportive of her. I felt his responses were enabling her behavior, and not discouraging it. It caused her to stay on the same destructive path, not that he was encouraging her.
It got to the point where, I felt ineffective as a parent and mistrusted as a wife. In many ways, I felt alone and unsupported as his wife and partner. It made me wonder, why would God or anyone treat me like this? Why is this happening? Why do I constantly, feel unsupported, pushed aside for someone else? I do not mean unsupported, money wise, because my husband is an excellent provider. I meant that I was emotionally unsupported. I do feel that my husband's role in the life of this child is pivotal, but his actions created an enormous obstacle. Due to the way he communicates and the way I feel about it, there is this gigantic wall between us. With that, the partnership is strained, and the tension between us is insurmountable. This is not as a result of my daughter acting out but it seem more like an impossible difference. I do believe, that my daughter did take advantage of that to further her own agenda.
After sitting out of two weeks of my daughter’s family therapy sessions, I decided to attend one alone, today. My husband attended the last two sessions by himself. Without my presence, the therapy was not as effective. My daughter said, she had been crying herself to sleep almost every night for the last two weeks. She said she was angry with me for abandoning her. Well the extent of my abandonment is that I have not seen her in two weeks. She also said she was still pretty angry with her birth mom and sometimes felt loved by me but most of the time, she did not. She also said that in general, she does not feel anything. Sadly to say, that was one of the things, I saw in her, a lack of remorse. She appears so indifferent, as if, she did not care how her behavior or action affected others.
This whole situation created so much internal turmoil for me, as a result, I recalled a lot of things from the past. In general, I am so task oriented, that I tend not to reflect on life too much. I usually tend to finish with one thing then move on to the next. I think what I ended up doing is departmentalizing. I looked at my past relationships, past loves, family, partner and God. Then I figured that I was wasting my life with an individual whose responses constantly caused me sadness. Anyone who seem to value others more than they value me, should be with someone else and not me. I know that, at times, we all have problems and issues that need addressing, but I certainly do not want to be secondary to issues. If a person is a responsible adult then, I am not willing to put up with juvenile behavior from them.
Today was a much better day because I was able to come to terms with all this. No one is worth a moment of my time that does not treat me as if I am worth spending time with. Anyone who constantly chooses the interest of others over mine, value others and not me. If they are skeptical about anything that I say, they do not believe me. If they are uncomfortable and cannot relate or identify with me, they should not be with me.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
It got to the point where, I felt ineffective as a parent and mistrusted as a wife. In many ways, I felt alone and unsupported as his wife and partner. It made me wonder, why would God or anyone treat me like this? Why is this happening? Why do I constantly, feel unsupported, pushed aside for someone else? I do not mean unsupported, money wise, because my husband is an excellent provider. I meant that I was emotionally unsupported. I do feel that my husband's role in the life of this child is pivotal, but his actions created an enormous obstacle. Due to the way he communicates and the way I feel about it, there is this gigantic wall between us. With that, the partnership is strained, and the tension between us is insurmountable. This is not as a result of my daughter acting out but it seem more like an impossible difference. I do believe, that my daughter did take advantage of that to further her own agenda.
After sitting out of two weeks of my daughter’s family therapy sessions, I decided to attend one alone, today. My husband attended the last two sessions by himself. Without my presence, the therapy was not as effective. My daughter said, she had been crying herself to sleep almost every night for the last two weeks. She said she was angry with me for abandoning her. Well the extent of my abandonment is that I have not seen her in two weeks. She also said she was still pretty angry with her birth mom and sometimes felt loved by me but most of the time, she did not. She also said that in general, she does not feel anything. Sadly to say, that was one of the things, I saw in her, a lack of remorse. She appears so indifferent, as if, she did not care how her behavior or action affected others.
This whole situation created so much internal turmoil for me, as a result, I recalled a lot of things from the past. In general, I am so task oriented, that I tend not to reflect on life too much. I usually tend to finish with one thing then move on to the next. I think what I ended up doing is departmentalizing. I looked at my past relationships, past loves, family, partner and God. Then I figured that I was wasting my life with an individual whose responses constantly caused me sadness. Anyone who seem to value others more than they value me, should be with someone else and not me. I know that, at times, we all have problems and issues that need addressing, but I certainly do not want to be secondary to issues. If a person is a responsible adult then, I am not willing to put up with juvenile behavior from them.
Today was a much better day because I was able to come to terms with all this. No one is worth a moment of my time that does not treat me as if I am worth spending time with. Anyone who constantly chooses the interest of others over mine, value others and not me. If they are skeptical about anything that I say, they do not believe me. If they are uncomfortable and cannot relate or identify with me, they should not be with me.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
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