Always, For Their Benefit, Never Mine!

I am fully aware that I have a myriad of complains concerning not doing with my life, what I desired and have done, just not on a full time basis. To me, that is equivalent to not being given because that was my passion more than being a wife and mother. Something I desired more than wealth or a partner or even the home that we own. That is the reason I say, I have never won but only lost. It was promised me that eventually, I will be published on a national scale, but I will never get to be or become what I wanted to in life. It is the one thing I do not comprehend. Why place that desire in me just to deprive me? I wrestle with that both day and night. I prayed about every single thing I chose to do. I prayed for guidance and direction, and I honestly feel that I was lead towards a world of hurt. I understand that all this was apart of my purpose. In my heart, I wonder if we could have achieved the same thing without placing me with individuals that do not appreciate me as a person. Makes me feel as if not even my father appreciates what I have done. Perhaps he truly does, but I believe if he did, I would have been validated as a human being. In my soul, I do not feel as if I am. It would not be wise for me to be entirely forthright. I have my personal hurts, but God is still God and the innocent, takes priority, over me. I, however, am at the point where, I want to matter, for once in my life.

Everyone has the desire to be loved and apart of me do too. If not, I would not feel disappointed with my relationship or with the way my daughters respond. I know that, in many ways, I keep people at arms length, and that it was never intended for me to do that. That is probably the reason why I was allowed to get to the point where I was forced to form a partnership. When life is forced on us, eventually it becomes burdensome. This is particular true when we make certain choices hoping for a specific gain and instead, end up losing as opposed to gaining. I know the hurt that results from such action.

I might have the desired experience we hoped for, but it caused a lot of resentment on my part. It certainly brought about separation from my spiritual partner, and I honestly no longer care for reconciliation. I feel that no effort will be made to repair whatever went wrong, and I have accepted that. I can see that no efforts will be made based on the events of my tomorrow. This is an enormous struggle for me and that I am still involved in this parade of my current circumstances. I do not have personal resources to correct this. My solutions are currently being hindered because it involves other innocent parties becoming devastated. Again, this too would be contrary to what I wanted to do with my life, which was to enable people, not crush them. Hence, I just want to stop, if only but for a moment, to recover or mend, put myself back together. I know it will not happen because that would be mercy, and that was meant for humans, not me.

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