I Stand Alone!
Yesterday, as I sat in a doctor’s office waiting for my son’s name to be called, a woman entered with her child. He was blind and ambulate with a walker. I felt sorry for her. If she has already accepted her child’s handicap, she probably is not grieved. In my mind, all I wanted to do was touch her son, to restore his sight. To my knowledge, I am not a miracle worker and certainly not what I am here for.
There were a few instances when relatives of mine were close to death’s door and miraculously were revived. I remembered a concrete post fell on a cousin when she was a small child. As she laid in a coma for several days, my mother told her brother to tell her, I had asked for her. They did so, and the girl immediately opened her eyes. When they told me what they did, I was pleased.
When one of my brothers was about five years old, he was hospitalized for a long time. The doctors did not know what was wrong with him. Then one day, we were told he would not live through the night. At that time, the congregation we attended had a prayer meeting specifically for him. I was about seven years old. I remembered that I stayed at home and for as long as those people prayed, I prayed. Needless to say, forty years later, my brother is alive. A few years ago, he had a brain aneurysm, and I flew to his hospital bedside. We were given a horrible prognosis. Again, it was not my desire to lose him. I thought if I could get, the great physician to go to him, then surely, he could heal my brother. I did literally try to reach him, but as he now does, he ignored me. With that, I asked my brother if he would like for me to pray for him.
He said, “Yes.” Along with my mother and sister and him, we all prayed. That event brought back memories of the time all those years ago, when we prayed, and he survived. So, with the same child like faith, I believed, he would survive, despite what we were told, and he did. I hardly hear from him, nowadays except when he is sick, he always calls for me. The last few times, I refrained from going to his bedside.
I know God, and I know that he at times, does heal and grant the impossible. I also understand the reason behind every difficulty, I faced. I know that, at times, David felt forsaken by him. I know that there are times, when he allows things to happen for his own glory. I know that he has given abundantly to his other servant that is here but has with held everything from me. I know that I have been obedient to a fault. I know that all this was so that I would have an authentic experience of life, but I too have my limits. Any person can criticize me and devalue me or anything that I say, but could any of them walk in my shoe. If your life is all that you know, then you do not know better, but I do. There is a lot that I am not divulging because as it is written: who are you that you should criticize the Lord’s servant. We walk at the same time but obviously separately. I would have preferred for us to walk together, but it is not by my desire that anything is done. Even the precise word of God talks about the three strands, so why did he choose to leave me alone to become broken. I know that I have many times appealed to the fleshly man for help and from the time I departed from his presence, I became as any other person to him. Do not deceive yourself in thinking that I am not alone because that is exactly how it was recorded. I would not lie!
What I can do is extremely limited. I am fully aware that as far as tolerance and what I am willing to do, I have reached my limits. I also know that steps could have been taken to prevent a lot of my frustrations. There also being grace and endurance that are provisions that prevent discouragement, which I honestly feel were with held from me. I now assume for the sake of those that are being ministered to though my writings.
For whatever reason, it seemed as if, even my husband heart and understanding was made limited. Yet he is one of the brilliant minds of today, earning a MSE from Cal Tech before the age of twenty-two. As a result of his lack of understanding, I have suffered many unnecessary things. Ironically, as a direct result of my situation, I longed to heal that woman’s son. I can identify with the peril of having a sick child. Although, my child, do not have a physical sickness but behavioral and mental health issues which is less acceptable and not as discernible. I know what it means to grow weary from trying to get help for a child. I know what it is like to have unanswered prayers. I know what it is like to lose and never win. The one thing I do not know is the joy of winning. Yet that is one of the promises that were made to me. What I do know is that in winning it would profit me nothing. Therefore, as far as I am concerned, even then it will not be for my benefit. Whatever victory I will experience in this life will be for the benefit of others. All those things are timed precisely for those I am here to represent.
All these things even in knowing have saddened me and caused me to feel, this is unjust! I am yet to find a human person that would be willing to do anything simply for my sake. So, why is my entire life and work only for the benefit of others? Precisely because of this all, I want to do is walk away. Why does he get to reap the fruits of his labor and I get grief for mine? I do not see honor as the Lord does, and I would never choose to be honored through the struggle of my children. I think it is shameful and not honoring.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
There were a few instances when relatives of mine were close to death’s door and miraculously were revived. I remembered a concrete post fell on a cousin when she was a small child. As she laid in a coma for several days, my mother told her brother to tell her, I had asked for her. They did so, and the girl immediately opened her eyes. When they told me what they did, I was pleased.
When one of my brothers was about five years old, he was hospitalized for a long time. The doctors did not know what was wrong with him. Then one day, we were told he would not live through the night. At that time, the congregation we attended had a prayer meeting specifically for him. I was about seven years old. I remembered that I stayed at home and for as long as those people prayed, I prayed. Needless to say, forty years later, my brother is alive. A few years ago, he had a brain aneurysm, and I flew to his hospital bedside. We were given a horrible prognosis. Again, it was not my desire to lose him. I thought if I could get, the great physician to go to him, then surely, he could heal my brother. I did literally try to reach him, but as he now does, he ignored me. With that, I asked my brother if he would like for me to pray for him.
He said, “Yes.” Along with my mother and sister and him, we all prayed. That event brought back memories of the time all those years ago, when we prayed, and he survived. So, with the same child like faith, I believed, he would survive, despite what we were told, and he did. I hardly hear from him, nowadays except when he is sick, he always calls for me. The last few times, I refrained from going to his bedside.
I know God, and I know that he at times, does heal and grant the impossible. I also understand the reason behind every difficulty, I faced. I know that, at times, David felt forsaken by him. I know that there are times, when he allows things to happen for his own glory. I know that he has given abundantly to his other servant that is here but has with held everything from me. I know that I have been obedient to a fault. I know that all this was so that I would have an authentic experience of life, but I too have my limits. Any person can criticize me and devalue me or anything that I say, but could any of them walk in my shoe. If your life is all that you know, then you do not know better, but I do. There is a lot that I am not divulging because as it is written: who are you that you should criticize the Lord’s servant. We walk at the same time but obviously separately. I would have preferred for us to walk together, but it is not by my desire that anything is done. Even the precise word of God talks about the three strands, so why did he choose to leave me alone to become broken. I know that I have many times appealed to the fleshly man for help and from the time I departed from his presence, I became as any other person to him. Do not deceive yourself in thinking that I am not alone because that is exactly how it was recorded. I would not lie!
What I can do is extremely limited. I am fully aware that as far as tolerance and what I am willing to do, I have reached my limits. I also know that steps could have been taken to prevent a lot of my frustrations. There also being grace and endurance that are provisions that prevent discouragement, which I honestly feel were with held from me. I now assume for the sake of those that are being ministered to though my writings.
For whatever reason, it seemed as if, even my husband heart and understanding was made limited. Yet he is one of the brilliant minds of today, earning a MSE from Cal Tech before the age of twenty-two. As a result of his lack of understanding, I have suffered many unnecessary things. Ironically, as a direct result of my situation, I longed to heal that woman’s son. I can identify with the peril of having a sick child. Although, my child, do not have a physical sickness but behavioral and mental health issues which is less acceptable and not as discernible. I know what it means to grow weary from trying to get help for a child. I know what it is like to have unanswered prayers. I know what it is like to lose and never win. The one thing I do not know is the joy of winning. Yet that is one of the promises that were made to me. What I do know is that in winning it would profit me nothing. Therefore, as far as I am concerned, even then it will not be for my benefit. Whatever victory I will experience in this life will be for the benefit of others. All those things are timed precisely for those I am here to represent.
All these things even in knowing have saddened me and caused me to feel, this is unjust! I am yet to find a human person that would be willing to do anything simply for my sake. So, why is my entire life and work only for the benefit of others? Precisely because of this all, I want to do is walk away. Why does he get to reap the fruits of his labor and I get grief for mine? I do not see honor as the Lord does, and I would never choose to be honored through the struggle of my children. I think it is shameful and not honoring.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
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