Restless!
At the present moment I cannot sleep. I keep thinking about my last therapy session with my daughter. After seeing that I had the same unforgiving spirit as her, I felt like forgiving the Lord. A greater part of me, however, felt that she was being manipulative. I had those feelings because she did not express any concern about my health. Her main grief was about how my walking away would affect her. It is bothering me immensely that anyone that is following my blog could miss the part about my having breast surgery next week.
I was in excruciating pain after my biopsy, but because she asked me to bring her a pair of boots, I took it to her. I cannot sleep because I recognized that at no point has she expressed any concerns for me. I was heavily burdened following that biopsy and wrote quite a bit about that. The only thing she had to express was that my desire to leave was causing them to act out. There was no recognition that the opposite is true, or even an awareness of how much their behavior has affected my health.
I was immensely surprised when she gave me a printed copy of my blog. I saw how upset she was. Like any mother, all I wanted to do was to take away her pain, and to be there for her. It caused me to want to stay and not hurt her. I cannot understand why she believes that my leaving would only affect her and her younger biological sister. Why would that not be the same for the children I gave birth to?
Personally, I keep looking to the Lord, but I have a history with him, and that is one of desertion. In my poem, forgiveness, it was him that I forgave. In forgiving him, I know that it does not mean that he will be there for me. He has never been, and I also said that I do not want reconciliation. I said that because I know the hurt he has caused me, and when he finally assist me it will not be because of love for me. I want to move beyond all this and simply accept that he chose who he chose. He would not provide for me, but he would certainly use me. That has caused me a whole lot of pain and his presence would only remind me of that. I am convinced that not until, I have something that he wants would he ever be gracious to me. I am tired of being used. In as much as a person can expect me to be there for them while they drain me emotionally and physically and not display any concern but can ask me to care about them more than myself, so would he. All my life I had placed the welfare of others before mine. It is apparent that all these would never once put their self aside to consider me. Never will any be truly sorry for any pain they have inflicted on me. For that, I feel horrible, but in forgiving, I get pass that, so that I may not sorrow.
Who is more unhappy and sad about going into a surgery without having any family by my side more than I am? Who is more sad about the why my children has been behaving? Who wants to feel unloved by her spouse, children and the Lord? Yet, that is the reality of the situation. In the moments when any could have chosen to show me compassion, they chose to be more concern about their desires.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
I was in excruciating pain after my biopsy, but because she asked me to bring her a pair of boots, I took it to her. I cannot sleep because I recognized that at no point has she expressed any concerns for me. I was heavily burdened following that biopsy and wrote quite a bit about that. The only thing she had to express was that my desire to leave was causing them to act out. There was no recognition that the opposite is true, or even an awareness of how much their behavior has affected my health.
I was immensely surprised when she gave me a printed copy of my blog. I saw how upset she was. Like any mother, all I wanted to do was to take away her pain, and to be there for her. It caused me to want to stay and not hurt her. I cannot understand why she believes that my leaving would only affect her and her younger biological sister. Why would that not be the same for the children I gave birth to?
Personally, I keep looking to the Lord, but I have a history with him, and that is one of desertion. In my poem, forgiveness, it was him that I forgave. In forgiving him, I know that it does not mean that he will be there for me. He has never been, and I also said that I do not want reconciliation. I said that because I know the hurt he has caused me, and when he finally assist me it will not be because of love for me. I want to move beyond all this and simply accept that he chose who he chose. He would not provide for me, but he would certainly use me. That has caused me a whole lot of pain and his presence would only remind me of that. I am convinced that not until, I have something that he wants would he ever be gracious to me. I am tired of being used. In as much as a person can expect me to be there for them while they drain me emotionally and physically and not display any concern but can ask me to care about them more than myself, so would he. All my life I had placed the welfare of others before mine. It is apparent that all these would never once put their self aside to consider me. Never will any be truly sorry for any pain they have inflicted on me. For that, I feel horrible, but in forgiving, I get pass that, so that I may not sorrow.
Who is more unhappy and sad about going into a surgery without having any family by my side more than I am? Who is more sad about the why my children has been behaving? Who wants to feel unloved by her spouse, children and the Lord? Yet, that is the reality of the situation. In the moments when any could have chosen to show me compassion, they chose to be more concern about their desires.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
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