My State of Being!
According to my purpose, I am supposed to experience almost every aspect of humanity. To date, I feel that I can identify with almost all humans struggles. Some times I wish that I was consistently a career woman and never a wife and mother. I wish I had the option to stick with one thing. Although working as a nurse had its challenges and it is a field where there is room for advancement, it was never my preferred career choice. My life is orchestrated in a way that I have no choice but to do what the father wants of me. For that reason, I should not truly hold anyone responsible for the things I am inflicted with. This does not mean that I am not upset with them. It simply means that I recognize that God is in control. He at times, causes men to respond or not respond or reacts according to the direction, he wants me to go.
Yesterday, when my husband came in, he handed our daughter a sticky note to give to me. The note had the information given him from my doctor’s office. He refrained from inquiring as to why; I needed to make an appointment with a surgeon. This came as a relief to me and yet it was rather odd that, as my husband, he did not care to know, the reason I needed surgery.
There are times when I become exhausted not only from physical activity but from emotional stress. The anxiety caused from not knowing the result of my biopsy, and from not being able to choose the doctor that would do my surgery has proven to be a bit much. I did not do a whole lot more than blog yesterday and yet I had to stop to take a nap. Of course, I walked a little more than two miles in the morning, but that is routine for me. I feel that I do need a gust of energy in order to insist on getting the kind of care that I need. Yesterday, my daughter asked me to buy her a pair of boots and even though I like to shop, I could not muster the strength to go shopping. For that precise reason, I did enlisted a friend to help guide and encourage me along. There are some things, however, which no one can do for me, and I need to do for myself.
When I am in whatever cycle of life that I am supposed to experience, I realize no matter how difficult, there is never an out for me. As painful or difficult as it may be, if I complain or ask for help it is not given me. The truly weird part about this is I do have a lot of friends in the medical field and several surgeons that I call a friend. Of all of these only one lives in my state and he is a cardiologist, not a breast surgeon. This is a prime example of how I become boxed in and cannot escape whatever experience God wants me to have. He does not want me to die; therefore, my mass is not cancer. If removed it is not a threat to my life, but if not, it can lead to other things. Whatever I am experiencing parallels the emotions and trials of people who have had breast cancer.
I know that my period of being a nurse is finished. Oddly enough, as much as there is a shortage of nurses, my situation, caused me to be unemployable. Although, I have not had paid employment, I do not consider myself a kept woman. I am singularly responsible for the care of my children. I may not currently have paid employment, but caring for a large family is equivalent to having a full time job. I some how feel that the kept woman experience will not be one that will be apart of my repertoire of experiences. I was a happy woman for the majority of my life, but that seem to have slowly faded. For me, that would have been the one thing I would have wanted to be consistent no matter what I was going through. I know that I have heard it said that happiness is a choice, and that can be easily said until you have walked a mile in several different shoes.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
Yesterday, when my husband came in, he handed our daughter a sticky note to give to me. The note had the information given him from my doctor’s office. He refrained from inquiring as to why; I needed to make an appointment with a surgeon. This came as a relief to me and yet it was rather odd that, as my husband, he did not care to know, the reason I needed surgery.
There are times when I become exhausted not only from physical activity but from emotional stress. The anxiety caused from not knowing the result of my biopsy, and from not being able to choose the doctor that would do my surgery has proven to be a bit much. I did not do a whole lot more than blog yesterday and yet I had to stop to take a nap. Of course, I walked a little more than two miles in the morning, but that is routine for me. I feel that I do need a gust of energy in order to insist on getting the kind of care that I need. Yesterday, my daughter asked me to buy her a pair of boots and even though I like to shop, I could not muster the strength to go shopping. For that precise reason, I did enlisted a friend to help guide and encourage me along. There are some things, however, which no one can do for me, and I need to do for myself.
When I am in whatever cycle of life that I am supposed to experience, I realize no matter how difficult, there is never an out for me. As painful or difficult as it may be, if I complain or ask for help it is not given me. The truly weird part about this is I do have a lot of friends in the medical field and several surgeons that I call a friend. Of all of these only one lives in my state and he is a cardiologist, not a breast surgeon. This is a prime example of how I become boxed in and cannot escape whatever experience God wants me to have. He does not want me to die; therefore, my mass is not cancer. If removed it is not a threat to my life, but if not, it can lead to other things. Whatever I am experiencing parallels the emotions and trials of people who have had breast cancer.
I know that my period of being a nurse is finished. Oddly enough, as much as there is a shortage of nurses, my situation, caused me to be unemployable. Although, I have not had paid employment, I do not consider myself a kept woman. I am singularly responsible for the care of my children. I may not currently have paid employment, but caring for a large family is equivalent to having a full time job. I some how feel that the kept woman experience will not be one that will be apart of my repertoire of experiences. I was a happy woman for the majority of my life, but that seem to have slowly faded. For me, that would have been the one thing I would have wanted to be consistent no matter what I was going through. I know that I have heard it said that happiness is a choice, and that can be easily said until you have walked a mile in several different shoes.
Visit ruthspoetry.rahtimes.com/ for more on the Author.
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